Saturday, April 12, 2014

ROBOT SEX

ARTICLE FROM THE FUTURE - DWINDLING POPULATION

I was reading an article from the future about what is starting to kill humanity off.  Sadly, I didn't get a good look at the date on the news piece but had to quickly scan it to get the gist.

It showed Ted, a pretty normal looking guy coming home after a long rough day at work.  As he walked in, a pretty young lady entered the living room.

"Ted, you're home!  And just in time to - I just finished with the laundry!  It's still warm from the dryer!  Lets make love on it!"

A couple more delighted squeals from other young women who wished to aid with this noble endeavor as a smiling Ted dropped his briefcase and hurried after the young lady.

Hyper realistic sex toys have met robotics.


I think the company that makes them was called - will be called Sextel.  Is this the adult version of Mattel?  Sex + Intel?  I don't know.  Best to get stock in both Mattel and Intel I suppose.

From the commercial and news story - they seem combined in the future - these are selling like hotcakes.

705% more sex
87% less drama
67% less bitching

In law robots sold separately.  Apparently, not popular models.  They do sell some, usually bought as gifts by angry live ex-girlfriends.

The writer of the article was concerned because people weren't having babies any more and women were getting more ignored.

Will this be in the distant future or will I receive one for a birthday?  Stay tuned!



URBAN FANTASY

I've been reading a lot of the 'Urban Fantasy' genre.  Usually, books written by women are much different than those written by men.  Here are some examples of how:

a) Women always use knives.  Not sure what the fascination with knives is all about.  Even when a sword would be more efficient - or brass knuckles - no.  Despite the creativity often shown in the setting, for some reason women prefer knives.

b)  Ignore any book with a cover which looks like it is actually a 'romance' book.  It is.

c)  Women writers seem to love to populate their worlds exclusively with good looking men.  Even the evil ones.  The protagonist seems to be inwardly extremely horny but outwardly restrained.  Sadly, we have to constantly hear about how horny they are.

d)  Even when the female protagonist should be acting on a clear course of action, they are constantly inwardly distracted about the most inconsequential things.   "I must stop this evil ritual to save the world!  Did I leave the oven on?  Oh Dustan is so hot!"  While I personally have no experience in how women think it makes the protagonist sound necrotic and flighty.  If women do actually think like this, it would go a long way toward explaining why I am a bachelor.

e)  If there is a vampire in the book, chances are that you have been fooled and the book is actually a 'romance novel' dressed up as 'urban fantasy'.

This one is for both male and female writers - the hero or heroine will either figure out the good solution by luck or somehow intuitively stumble across it at the last possible minute as the author attempts to keep readers turning the pages.



MOVIE TALK

What the hell is up with Hollywood?

Just got done watching yet another remake of 47 Ronin.  They have to put the year after these so you know which one you are talking about!  47 Ronin (2013).

You might have gotten it confused with the 1941 version.  Or the 1958 version.  Possibly the 1962 version.  But Logan, these are all old movie!  They haven't done anything recently, have they?

Discounting the 1994 version and the 1993 and 1995 TV episodes, absolutely not.

Well, OK.  Surely there can be nothing wrong with a small budget tastefully done film though?

Perhaps, but in the most recent (2013 version) they wasted an awe inspiring $175,000,000.

Did you know that was very close to what it cost to make part one of the Hobbit?

Either the executives are so old they remember with great fondness one or more of the original much lower budget ones and are thinking 'this can make me money' or they are have window lickers with no common sense working at Universal.

Even Logan who is in no way connected with the movie industry could have been asked:

"Hey, we have 180,000,000 dollars we want to toss at a movie.  Would the Hobbit (part 1 of 3) be a good choice?"  Sure.  "Would another remake of 47 Ronin be a good choice?"  Nobody gives a fuck about 47 Ronin aside from possibly some people actually descended from them who live in Japan.  Nobody else.

"But Logan, we're going to have Japanese fantasy monsters and mythology intertwined in this movie!"  See above about nobody giving a fuck.  I've seen them and thought "Sorry - these may be causing death and devastation but they look pretty sissy to me.  The scariest part of meeting one would be the shame of being killed by something like that."

Looking at the gross the movie made bears this out - $38,000,000 and change.  Can Universal suck up a $140,000,000 loss?

Sure hope they don't want a 'bailout' - the US Government is the kind of place that just might give them one.



UKRAINE AND THE EVIL CAT

Evil Cat would have made the kind of university teacher that people remembered throughout their lifetime.  Maybe with fondness, maybe not.  But memorable.  Universities have lost out by not having him on their staff.  However, the stereotypical retiring academician would probably freak out having this guy around.

One of his great strengths is that he can explain complicated shit easy enough that Logan can understand it.  As those who know Logan will say, Logan is a simple creature.

I'd asked him why countries like Poland were able to get their shit together when it appears that countries like Ukraine will never (ever) be able to do so.  "They're all Poles."  Here in Ukraine, 30% (or so) of the population is ethnic Russian.  This is why they have a lot of bad shit happen.

For example, they can't agree on one language for the country.
Some people still want to go back to being Russian - but they don't want to move.

But just as interesting is the fact they have so little interest in just getting along with each other in a civilized society.  They regularly do stupid stuff like blocking in each others cars, drive like idiots, steal light bulbs out of the hallways of their own buildings.

Heck, even their elected officials in parliament like to have a good ole fistfight from time to time.  Think about that.  How often do other governments have a brawl between their elected officials?

I'm thinking the country won't change for the betterment of the citizens.  The citizens won't change for the betterment of themselves.

This doesn't really distress me - I'm just a visitor.  The difference between this country and others is interesting.  Finding interesting stuff is why I travel.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

CURRENT UKRAINE SITUATION

Logan's Totally Uninformed Opinion on What's Currently Going on in Ukraine!

(Note, still probably better than Fox News which goes out and surveys people to find out what they think is going on...  It's easier than real journalism.)

In two months, they are suppose to have an election.  As in the TV series South Park, they will have a choice of votes between a giant douche and a turd sandwich.  Or, in this case perhaps the 'Chocolate King' vs the 'Gas Princess'.  Gosh - that makes them sound like characters in a romantic fairy tale.  Unless prevented from doing so, Darth Vader will also run in the election.  He vows "I alone can make an empire out of a republic, to restore former glory, to return lost territories and pride for this country...".  I don't rate his chances of winning high.

In fact, things have gotten so weird that even a biker gang President Putin rides with has shown up in Crimea to 'sort things'.  It is interesting that the president of a country rides around with a biker gang from time to time.
I can't make this shit up.

Having the president of a country invade at the head of a large biker gang would be quite a visual image.  Perhaps reminiscent of 'The Humungus'.
Imagine instead a Russian flag behind him.  His message also matches Putin's:  "Just walk away..."

Meanwhile, after invading the sovereign territory and completely getting away with it (let's face it, other countries haven't demonstrated giving a shit about Ukraine) Russia has decided more stick instead of carrot.

"Remember that good deal we were going to give your last president on the gas you guys need from us?  The one we were going to give you to not be interested in getting with the EU?  Well, fuck you.  We're raising gas prices."

This is a confusing move.  From what a Russian guy told me, there is a lot of unspecified 'confusing stuff' going on within the Russian government as well right now.  Like deciding 'Screw it - lets go after another piece of land.'  Don't think that even if they get Alaska it will generate much emotion within the USA.  It's not mainland, it's cold and well crap - I got work on Monday...

As to the people in Ukraine, they still seem split three different ways on how they think it should go.  Some are pro-Russian, others are pro-EU and many are 'Let's just keep Ukraine in Ukraine.'

One of these three choices isn't working out worth a shit but nationalism keeps it on the table.  Most people seem to just be going on with their lives.  This is a huge contrast to the sensationalistic crap CNN is trying to roll out about a possible start to WW3.

Lets consider money.  Ukraine it'self is pretty much out of gas and oil.  I presume it was mined out and shipped back to Russia in the good ole days of the USSR.  That's their main import from Russia.  Their main export, iron mostly goes to their biggest customer, Russia.

Despite what the people think with their strong sense of national identity, Russia has them by the balls monetarily.  In addition to Russia being their biggest customer and supplier, Ukraine owes them just a little bit of money.  About ten billion dollars.  In a country where the presidents normally flee with tons of cash as their way of resigning from office, this seems a bit exorbitant.   It does make me wonder if Ukraine wouldn't have been better off just selling Crimea for 10 billion dollars.  Guessing a lot of people from there wouldn't have been too happy about that...

The big question doesn't really concern 'where will Ukraine be after the elections.  As we've stated before, nobody outside Ukraine really seems to give a shit.  Sure, the USA put a couple minor sanctions on Russia but everyone is more concerned about how that will affect the bottom line than actually getting Russia to give back Crimea.  Heck, the neighboring countries are more concerned about 'what does this mean for us' than the actual situation in Ukraine.

Well, Russia itself is still in a state of flux.  Putin is doing stuff that should make people a bit concerned - like bringing back the 'health and fitness' programs we last saw in the USSR.  People are 'expected to participate'.  Hell, if they tried to do something like that in the USA they would probably have riots surpassing the 'Occupy Movement' in what it actually achieved.  Which was 'raising awareness' and 'encouraging dialog'.  (In other words, pretty much nothing as I'd stated at the time it was going on.)  Force a fat man to stop eating his fast food burger which he is too lazy to use his own hands to feed himself and he may just get up enough anger to riot.  Unless that fat man is in a state with legalized pot.  Hard to get worked up and mad when you've had enough pot.

But as to Ukraine, only Russia really seems to care.  Sure, the EU would like to have closer relations with Ukraine.  However, Russia might this (or worse still, Ukraine joining the EU) as a large mishapen penis sticking into their country, as illustrated below:

Not a terribly happy thing for Russia and no lube.  Hell, even China is getting cozy with the EU.  Maybe Russia is starting to feel like Jay in this short movie clip.

Perhaps this is how Russia would like to see the map look:
 Now who has the penis in them eh?

If someone drove tanks into the (continental) USA, Americans would doubtless shoot at them with completely ineffectual weapons, as Tom Hanks demonstrated in "Saving Private Ryan".

Of course, Americans generally have more effective weapons...
It shoots through schools!  Good times.  Pictured above, typical American preschool teacher on her way to work.  And the training some American children do here.  Possibly to combat their teachers.

However, in Ukraine, the response has been one of...well...nothing really.  There is a lot of useless double talk and mincing around with words but everything always seems to come back to the May 25th elections.  Putin seems happy about that.

Ukrainians seem to think that everything will get sorted out then.  Russia is probably also waiting.  If someone pro-Russia is elected (despite them seizing just a little bit of the country here it could happen) they won't have to do anything else to get the rest of the country.

I'll go on record and put in my prediction for a good ole post election riot, just like their neighbor Turkey.  Hell, they can't even agree what language to speak in this country.  Agreeing on a new president seems bloody unlikely.  Hence, I predict the country will become a flailing shit storm for awhile and probably Russia will either control the new leadership or bribe the country.  This is a country that understands and appreciates heavy bribery.


Logan Horsford is not an international news affiliate.  He has never written for nor been published by such respected news agencies as Yahoo! News, HuffingtonPost, CNN, Google News, New York Times and Al Jazeera.  Even the dubious and seedy Fox News has failed to contact - or more importantly - pay him.  This could be in part at Logan's stubborn refusal to learn more than ten words in Russian or even his complete lack of expertise on nearly all subjects.  Though Logan was born in the USA, he managed to escape at the tender age of forty five and now lives almost exclusively in countries considered by most in the USA to be 'third world countries'.  Simply, because that is all he can afford.  If you wish to contribute to Logan's ongoing stomping around the world, please feel free to give a donation via paypal.com to logan9a@yahoo.com.  All donations are appreciated.

For those not familiar with my lifestyle, at the time of this writing, I've lived in Ukraine for two months...



AND NOW, A MESSAGE FROM THE RUSSIAN BOARD OF TOURISM

This is a video of daily street life in Russia.  Here is the news story from that abhorrent video.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

CHANGES

CHANGES IN AMERICAN CUSTOMS

There have been a lot of big changes just in my brief lifetime.  While many of them (the rise of the computer, gay acceptance, etc) are daily hammered into us, here are five which are less well publicized.


CARRYING THE BRIDE OVER THE THRESHOLD

While some have claimed it's "So the bitch can't escape" the actual answer seems a bit more complicated than that.
I mean, there are easier ways to make sure the bride can't run off...

In the olden days there were a lot of kidnappings and some how having the man's hands full of woman - instead of weapon - prevented it.  Doubtless if your bride was a midget, you'd have an easier time of things.  Yet another reason midgets are superior.
Plus, you'd have the whole 'Mad Max' thing going.

Evil spirits might enter the bride unless she was carried over the threshold.  That was a problem back then.  These days who wouldn't want a 'demon in the sack'?
Being out of your mind insane - or better still possessed - while having sex is probably a huge turn on for most men.

Carrying a woman over the threshold also highlighted her modesty - she didn't want to appear to keen to lose her virginity.  By her husband grabbing her and carrying her in, he was asserting his manly dominance and she was just the helpless party.   According to a study, seven out of ten people have had sex by the time they're nineteen years old.  It is unknown if the other three are lying.  Hence, your chances of carrying a virgin are pretty slim.  In this age of women still working to get liberated women may or may not have had as many or more sexual partners than the men.

Lugging your bride over the threshold also sought to escape the bad luck that would befall the wife were she to trip over the threshold while entering her new home.  Honestly, if her husband fell on her, her luck would probably be worse.

Especially if these two were trying to carry each other...

These days you might trip over one of her children from a previous hookup while entering the house.  Which brings us to -


BASTARD

The dictionary definition of a bastard is 'a person born of parents not married to each other'.

Back in the eleventh century (a couple years before even my time) the term 'bastard' had more severe connotations.  It was a big deal.  Even William the Conqueror was sometimes called William the Bastard.  Presumably when he couldn't hear it.
Free room and board for calling the king 'a bastard'?  Who wouldn't be excited about that?

In popular culture and usage, the word's primary definition has slowly changed to become a mild insult.

The reason is that in the USA there is one divorce every thirty six seconds, your chances of knowing or being a 'bastard' are pretty good.

"If the divorce rate is 50%, when two people say 'I do', one is lying." - Logan Horsford.

To get away from a lot of bastards, you might need to take a -


ROAD TRIP

Back in the 1980's, Americans would regularly take road trips.  European's apparently haven't had this custom since their early 1900's as gas prices seem to be double or triple the USA.

In the USA, you'd typically pile into a car with several friends and drive off to somewhere else on a fairly flimsy premise for anywhere from a couple hours to a whole day.  Heck, they even built special roads back in the 1950's which helped out with this.

For longer road trips, things like the iconic Route 66 became popular.

Soaring gas prices have ensured the last most people have heard of 'Road Trip' was the mediocre movie released in the year 2000.

Of course, you might not need to take a road trip for something special when you can just do some -


DRUGS

One of the earlier conversations I overheard a group of adults discussing was drugs.  They were discussing them in hushed, serious tones.  Apparently, one of the older boys had been caught with some...marijuana.

In the 1970's, many non-hippies believed that doing any sort of drugs would inevitably lead to snorting cocaine off a hookers ass
Love the internet.  You want a picture of someone sorting coke off a hookers' ass?  You got it.

Eventually, drugs would cause you to spin out of control and exhibit bizarre, anti-social behavior.
Like dressing in garb from the ninetieth century.

Back then, drugs were bad, but today have gained a lot of social acceptance.
But paling in comparison to drugs are all of the other -


DISTRACTIONS

Drugs aren't the only wildly addictive thing.

Statistics for texting and driving are pretty shocking.  Not enough for people to stop it - clearly causing several hundred dollars in damage to your (or your parents) car is preferable to any delay in seeing a message that won't really influence your life.
Screw my life and the lives of others.  I'm entitled to be able to do this!


While it's a great ad campaign, you're going to have to wait until a specific person runs over a kid.  Will that stop them from texting while driving or will they want to immediately text "Ran over kid LOL, FML."

Because anything is better than having a conversation with the person you are actually...with.  It's a new way to live 'in the moment'.  Not the moment you are actually in but one that obviously can't be delayed.  Look at the bright side - if you were actually with the person who was texting you, you would probably ignore them in favor of anyone else who sent you a text.

Does anyone else consider it  boorish behavior when people ignore you to yammer on their cells or text?  This is especially tragic since many people haven't seemed to figure out that cell phones enable speaking to a person who is at a distance.  Hence, you don't need to yell.
They are taking away time we have together.  Time we will never have again.  Then again, with people like that, perhaps it is not a bad thing.

With all of the electronic devices yammering for our attention, multitasking has become a popular enough buzz word that even spell check recognizes it.

Despite corporations banging on about how they want people who can do it and people believing they can, studies have shown this to be a myth.  Hence, when you think you are paying attention to someone talking to you in a restaurant but 'just checking something real quick' you are lying to yourself and being rude to the person you're with.  Or you are trying to signal them that spending time with anyone anywhere else would be preferable to hanging out with them.




PRICES (ODESSA, UKRAINE)

Carton (10 packs) of cigarettes, approximately $15  (for US readers, that's a buy 1-3 packs and get the rest free)

Glasses:  These vary widely between $15 and $100, including everything.  Eye exams are free.

Dental:  Getting a teeth cleaning is a bit pricey but everything else is cheaper here.  People regularly travel to Ukraine for 'dental tourism'.  Cleaning with free X-ray, approximately $50.

Beer:  1 liter, approximately $1.50.

Hot dog, very small building on the street, grab and go, about $2.

Note that imported goods are much more expensive, especially when the local currency plummets in value as it is now (29/3/14).



CONTACT INFORMATION

Questions or comments?  Follow me on Facebook (look for the Logan Horsford that looks like me) or twitter @logan9a




Tuesday, March 11, 2014

BJ ALLEY AND SATAN

FORWARD PLANNING

Did some preliminary studying of the potential route I'm contemplating after I get done in Odessa.

Some people will say "Why does he concentrate so much on room costs?"  Because that's pretty much your major cost.  You can eat crap from grocery stores deli counters or food stands to decrease your expenses.  The room cost is the big one though.

Varna, Bulgaria.  It's looking like the room cost will probably be between $12-16 per night.  Unless I'm really taken with the town or find something cheaper when I'm there, I won't be there for long.

Thessaloniki, Greece.  Clench yer butt cheeks folks.  I've heard a lot about their recession and down turn in the economy.  Apparently, this news hasn't reached the hotel or hostel industry.  For an eight bed dorm it's about $20 per night.  Clearly, I will only be there for a couple days.  Not sure if I want to go to other places within Greece or not.  More research on Greece will be required but the total time there will probably be a week or two.

Ohrid, Macedonia.  I'm calling it that because the 'former Yugoslav etc' is hard to pronounce.  It gets very reasonable quick but of the cities close to where I'm contemplating going, only in Ohrid.  About $16 for a private apartment or room.  Unfortunately, it's within the 'schendigan agreement' lands so that limits the time within the country were I to find a 'good deal' on rent.

Next up to study, Albania.

What my goal is would be to have a cheap country I can hang out in for a few months to let my funds regenerate.  Was thinking about Egypt but they are shooting tourists there AND one of the future potential presidents of the country has failed to answer me on Facebook so I'm thinking wait till it calms down.  If I can't find a good country to sit and regenerate money, my backup plan is to get back to SE Asia so I can undergo the wonderful rioting within Thailand.  So happy there, I'm sure.

My travel mentor suggested I head straight over to Macedonia then Albania saving Greece with it's three month in three out till later.  This may be a very good idea.  It also puts me close to Turkey.  If I'm feeling too poor by the end of this, I can flee back to SE Asia for six hundred dollars or less.



WORDS FROM A DIFFERENT DIMENSION

New word of the day:

Cockbarrow.

In a world in which some sort of cheap and easy way existed for men to enlarge their own penis, this would be the wheel barrow men would push their penis around in.

News story:

May White, 22, was accused of killing seven men by whistling at them.  The stunning blond would find someone pushing a cockbarrow and whistle at him.  The man would get an erection, the cockbarrow would explode and his body would be instantly drained of all blood.  When asked why she had done it, Ms. White angrily responded "They were all such dicks!"



ROAD WARRIOR PICS

Courtesy of Evil Cat

Master blaster!
Mel is not happy with me.
At least I have a helmet!



BJ ALLEY (A story from Logan's distant past)

Giving you fair warning.  I even consider this next post offensive.  If you feel you have the capacity to be offended, are religious in any way or Korean you might consider just skipping to the next section.

Note that the names (aside from Bill whose actual name I couldn't remember) are real.  However there are so many people with the same names or the actual people are dead I figure it doesn't matter.

I'm calling this story 'Violations' because several things were violated.  Freedom, religion and even the principles of good story telling.  Many asides and little jaunts will be made.


The setting was Korea of the late 1980's.   Korea was a very different country then.  The first sight you had landing at the airport was huts sprouting television antennas.  The people were poor, the prices were cheap, hookers were either $10 for a quick in and out or $20 if you wanted to spend the night at their place.  And in to this den of iniquity was dropped a young Logan with money to burn and the self control of Charley Sheen.  I would like to note that Korea has changed massively in the last few decades.   Hell, even their internet is about four times faster.


Cast of characters

Sergeant George S Nelson.  One of his most awe inspiring features is that he spoke just like Elmer Fudd.  I'm not joking and neither was he.  He worked in S2 (intelligence) section and was my bosses boss.  By some strange twist of military logic, he was also in charge of the military police (MP) on the base.  I think he wanted to take me under his wing and mentor me but at the young age of eighteen, the voices in my head were louder than his and I figured I knew everything about everything.  He would often take me downtown to investigate the various sleazy bars to make sure they weren't in violation of any codes.  He never told me what the codes were but his fast paced walk from bar to bar to check in on things had two different interesting side effects for me.  The MP's at the locked gates figured I must be a young officer to be hanging out with such a senior (E-7) sergeant.  They would salute me, I'd salute back and was careful to never wear my uniform off base.  Sgt Nelson never bothered to correct  their mistake and tell them I was just a private.  As a bonus, every bar we inspected gave me a free drink.  After a few bars, I eventually became too drunk to continue the inspection and the sergeant would leave me to wallow in the whore pits.  How I miss the whore pits.


Hubbard.  He was a strange, perverted man.  The story which most speaks to his character was when we had a new lieutenant show up at the base.  "Take me to my driver, Horsford!"  Yessir, I replied.  We walked out toward the vehicle Hubbard sat in.  I was alarmed and the officer angry when we saw the look on Hubbard's face.  It appeared he was getting a blow job in the vehicle.  The windshield wipers slowly went back and forth.  As Hubbard thrashed around more and more, the wipers sped up.  Eventually, he started to convulse and the sprayers went off.  During Hubbard and the trucks' orgasm, we discovered nobody else was in the vehicle and Hubbard had both hands on the steering wheel.  As the officer stared in horror I simply gestured toward the vehicle and said "Your driver sir!", spun on my heel and left.


'Bill'.  I don't remember this guys actual name.  What I do remember is his fanaticism.   Not sure which flavor of Christianity he subscribed to but he loved talking about how he didn't drink, smoke or fuck - like it was a good thing.  It saddens me that in today's 'anti-bullying', politically correct era these sorts of people who preach their religion non-stop can't get punched in the face.


One night, Hubbard decided he'd had enough of Bill's religious rantings.


As the MP's sat around the locked gate, they saw eight people head toward them.  One, a young man they believed to be a young officer walked a bit ahead of the group of people who were all holding on to a wildly struggling spreadeagled man.  They couldn't understand the muffled grunting and pleas as the man had his mouth well duct taped.  The officer gestured to the gate as he approached it.  They opened it and the entire company passed out into the town.

Once we got Bill off base and told him that if he attempted to escape we'd beat him to death and stash the body he calmed down.  He must have told himself he'd just have to ride this one out then he could put us all on report later.

Fair enough.

We took him to a bar and ordered 燒酒.  He didn't know what that was either.  It was soju.  For those who don't know, this is strong (40-80 proof) alcohol.  The taste is vile to anyone not from Korea.  Perhaps even to some Koreans.  It is so bad that soldiers often had Kool-Aid powder mixed in just so they can choke it down.  We ordered a more expensive one that had Codeine (an opiate based pain killer) added just to give it an extra kick.

We told Bill to drink his or we'd give him a beating.

"This Kool-Aid tastes like shit!" extremely sheltered Bill exclaimed.

Hubbard slammed down his hand on the table and looked around wildly.  He hissed "Don't let the Koreans hear you say that!  If they think you don't like the drink they'll slit all our throats!"

Bill believed him and downed his.  And another.

With strong alcohol slamming into his virgin system along with the codeine, he was now docile.

The rest of the group began wandering off.

Hubbard eyed me across the table.  "We should take him to BJ alley."

Bill had no clue what that meant.  I happily nodded and we hoisted Bill up and took him there.  My memory does not recollect how many more bars we stopped by on the way there.

Eventually, we made it to the notorious 'blow job alley'.  Bill was leaning drunkenly against the wall.  Sadly, it was the same wall I was urinating on.  Too close to him.  Much too close to him.

Hubbard was deep in negotiations with the mistress of the whores, the 'momma-san'.
The actual momma-san was more hideous than this.  She was missing tufts of hair.  One eye was droopy and pussing.  She had the stumps of five or six blackened teeth remaining in her crooked mouth.  Her body looked like  a worn out punching bag.

Hubbard:  "How much, momma-san?"
Momma-san:  "Ten dollar, any girl you want."
Hubbard:  "I want you, momma-san!"

Momma-san made a squack of surprise.  I faced back to the wall to make sure the right amount of urine was going onto Bill and to make sure none of that horror would become lodged in my brain.

As I finished up, a young woman came and opened up Bill's fly and popped his cock into her mouth.

"Uh!  What's going on?" shrieked Bill.

"Relax," I responded.  "They're real friendly 'round here."


Bill was downtown nearly every weekend after that.  Like many sheltered people who get a taste of the 'bad life' he went completely off the rails.  Drinking, smoking, drugs, whores.

I began to suspect I might be a bad influence.

For religious types reading this, fear not.  I got a thank you card from Satan.



DINNER

Folks in Odessa have often told me that restaurant food sucked.  I was anxious to try a home cooked meal to compare.  Fortunately, a couple friends of mine were very gracious and had me over to their home to try an actual Ukrainian meal.

These were the friends
Roxanne and Sergey, caught in what they may consider to be not their best photo.  Really nice people and both speak English which is good as I still haven't learned Russian.

And this is what we ate:
Meat with some sort of seasoning on it then fried

Vegetables with a zesty tasting sauce, served at room temperature.  I didn't think I'd like it but ended up eating all of it.

And potatoes with 'pig fat' (British 'crackling', American 'pork rind') and a bit of onion on top.

The meal was very good.  After dining with them, I had to change my opinion on Ukrainian food.  It's good unless you are dining at a restaurant.

Thanks again to my hosts!



VIDEO

Odessa Interiors

Thursday, March 6, 2014

UKRAINIAN POLITICS

UKRAINIAN POLITICS

For those who want a lot more information than Logan gives, I've gotten some information from my travel mentor who I have dubbed 'Evil Cat' in order to respect his privacy on line.

This is a copy/paste of some things he'd said on Facebook concerning various facets of 'what's going on here and what led up to it'.  Know that this is the kind of guy that major newspapers and such have requested interviews of but hey - he doesn't give interviews.  In short, he's probably one of the more qualified (through university, personal research and living there) and erudite people I've heard discuss these things.

David Holt:  Here's something you don't always see. Soldiers patrolling without any markings of nationality. These guys were photographed at Simferopol in Crimea securing the airport. The BBC reported that they might be pro-Russian militia.


Logan Horsford:  That's quite possible. I've heard rumor that the Crimea wants to form their own 'break away state' or some such. Lets ask Murlka Kisha (who is much better informed on these things than I) who they are. Are they goons for hire? Ukrainian military that couldn't afford uniform patches? Thugs?


David Holt:  The rhetoric from Moscow is similar to what was heard before the invasion of Georgia in 2008. The major difference now is that Ukraine knows that Russia is willing to invade, because of the example in Georgia.


Evil Cat:  Russia has no such pretext in Crimea...lack of political representation (as claimed by ethnic Russian speakers in Crimea) is a far cry from being bombarded by artillery and the ethnic cleansing instituted by the Georgians in 2008...Politically so far the Crimean parliament has been dissolved and referendum is slated for May 25 (Same date as Presidential elections) to vote for increased autonomy for what is already the Crimean Autonomous region. The vote was carried by the ProEU-Maidan supporters, the ethnic Tatars of Crimea, AND the moderate ethnic Russian bloc.

It is the vocal yet small Russian Nationalists who were defeated on a call for separatism. However it is a marriage of convenience on the referendum vote..The Tatars are not such supporters of the Maidan/EU bloc, they are looking for increased autonomy for themselves. Maidan/EU supporters are willing to give the Tatars more autonomy if it keeps Ukraine whole...The moderate Russian bloc know that economically the EU is the better bet but don't wish the Ukrainianization that they fear will follow if the Nationalists win the presidency and parliament...so they are willing to wait to see at least see what the outcome of the elections and referendum will be

There is only a small minority of ethnic Russians who wish to return Crimea to Russian rule...in the 3 years I was in Sevastopol I never met anyone whole supported Russian Rule... Independence and pro Russian policies? Yes but not rule. People basically want to keep the Russian Naval Base (40% of the economy) and keep the Russian 'nature' and history of the city.The 60% ethnic Russians in Crimea do not want to be dictated to by Nationalists in Kiev.

As for these armed sentries at the airport they are either Ethnic Russians formed into a self defense militia...or possibly marines from the Russian Naval Base on emergency deployment and requested by the Pro Russian Mayor of Sevastopol....In Simferopol (the administrative capital of Crimea) they will be either self defense units or anti-Nationalist soldiers from the Ukrainian Army...remember centralised control of the armed forces is in force in Ukraine but perhaps rather sketchy in the Autonomous region of Crimea.

Up until 2 years ago there was no civilian airport in Sevastopol...they renovated a soviet era airbase...the fear will be that Kiev will send military units by air to suppress Sevastopol thus the pro Russians are making a show of securing the airport....its the only way into Sevastopol quickly from Kiev


David Holt:  Thank you for that excellent detailed information.

I don't believe that the Russians have anywhere near the pretext for invasion that they had in Georgia in 2008. It would be like comparing apples to oranges.

Russia is, however, taking many of the same steps they took prior to that invasion. They've offered dual Russian citizenship to ethnic Russians in Ukraine ("protection" of whom can act as a pretext for invasion), and they've declared large scale military exercises in Russia's Western and Central military districts.

The message that invasion is at hand is very clear. Hopefully the threat of invasion is the only objective. A display of power, rather than the prelude to an exercise of power.

Russia invaded Georgia in 2008, directly across the Black Sea from Ukraine and under alarmingly similar circumstances. They tore the place up, destroyed Georgia's military infrastructure, and generally shat all over the place.

What they do not have in Ukraine that they did have in Georgia was a clear pretext for invasion. Russia has a reason to invade Ukraine, but lacks a justifiable pretext. At the moment.


Evil Cat:  The main motivation behind the Georgian conflict was the Russian desire halt Georgia's move towards NATO under Saakashvili. Russia only 'invaded' the Ethnic Russian parts of Georgia that were already autonomous regions within Georgia and were former autonomous Republics within the USSR...its not like they invaded the core Georgian SSR. ...and Logan if you don't recall anytime since WW2 maybe you missed Hungary in 56, Prague in 68, and Afghanistan in 79...these invasions were based on an 'invitation' by fraternal communist parties for military assistance and intervention.

The current Russian exercises are for the domestic Russian audience who have been whipped into a anti fascist frenzy with by the bias media in Russia...as if Russia is ready to go!...If the referendum somehow managed to produce an separate independent Crimea then that new government would 'invite' Russia to provide security...not technically an invasion then..It would be difficult for Ukraine to dislodge the Russians since Crimea (under a democratic mandate) would have extended an invitation to Russia...The rest of the world probably would not recognise Crimean independence but Ukraine could not stop it without a war...that they would lose and cannot afford.


I'd then asked Evil Cat what would happen next.  He said it's anybody's guess but believes we won't find out until May when they have elections and such.
According to Dave Holt, I am everywhere.  Thanks for putting me in this now very awkward picture, David.

And I'm apparently the 'man on the ground' here.
Poor Bogart looks like "Even after I have been dead for close to sixty years I'm still forced to be in a picture with Logan?  And he's upstaging me?"



LOGAN'S VIEW

I don't know much about politics but have begun to suspect that Ukraine's position may have become untenable.  They are wanting to get Russia out while 'maintaining good neighbor relations' with Russia.  They want to be friendly with the EU while not joining.
What a difference one month makes!


Ukraine for Ukrainians seems to be what may people want here.

But if you don't have a strong military and are wedged between two giants I'm not sure if that is realistic.

It may come down to 'pick one and commit'.

But the Ukrainians are so internally divided if a vote was held tomorrow there may be a three way split.

And the crappy leaders they have put into power and will put into power don't seem to be helping matters.

It will be quite awhile before this stuff is resolved.  I will make a prediction that the election will not suddenly make everything better.  In fact, I predict that there will be a kick off of some sort of new trouble as two thirds of the country won't be happy with the vote.
Well, shit.  Here comes Russia!



FUCK CNN

While I was eating, a Russian guy was watching CNN on his computer.

Logan: "You realize it is the worst of all American news?"
Guy: "It is my favorite. They do great disinformation."

On CNN, they were making various statements that I will now translate:

"The situation is complicated."
Translation: CNN doesn't understand the situation.

"The president should have made a more bold statement."
Translation: We don't know what he should have said but this one was barely news worthy.

"...in the Baltic Sea..."
Translation: We don't know geography. Black Sea, Baltic Sea - it's all the same, right? Hell some of our viewers can't even find Canada on a map - that is so far away they're not going to know any better.

IMO if you watch or listen to CNN, you deserve it.

Here is some new ramblings that didn't make it on to Facebook for those who think the blog has fast become a recap of the stuff I've previously released on Facebook.  Which may be.

Revolutions last a long time.  Months or even years.  If one can stay in the press for a whole month, they're doing pretty well.  I believe a lot of press agencies love nothing better than to help stir up trouble - for as long as it does their circulation good then they piss off to what is new and interesting.  This leaves the people like those from 'Arab Spring' to try to sort out the pieces.

Unethical.




ENDORSEMENTS

From Kevin DeJaynes:  Logan you are the type of guy who would invite someone over for a fun night of drinking after shave and playing pin the tail on the "almost fresh" corpse of a dead hooker. When the building catches on fire after an unfortunate accident involving the last bottle of aftershave, a prison shank and a flame thrower made from a super soaker squirt gun, a gallon of jet fuel and a butane torch you would get caught red handed by agents of the local law enforcement. You would then be taken for questioning and after three days of interrogation you would be released because 9 on the people who questioned you committed suicide via auto erotic asphyxiation. Soon afterwards you would publish an article on your blog stating how much 7 bottles of aftershave cost. Its a special kind of insane my friend, a special kind.


Another one from Kevin DeJaynes:

Logan Horsford is a world traveler, not because of some noble sense of adventure, not because he has a need to enrich himself by experiencing other cultures and not because he was gifted with an endearing wanderlust. No Logan travels the world because he feels the need expose all of civilization to his depraved and immoral outlook on life. Be warned Earth, something wicked this way comes and its name is Logan.


If you would like to write something like this, send it to my Facebook or put it in the comments on the blog.  If I like it, I'll stick it in the blog and give you credit.



FOR SOME GOOD READING

Check out THIS article.



MEME

At last, a meme which has been saying what I've been trying to tell people for years:
It's good advice.







Thursday, February 27, 2014

IGNORE THE PRESS

IGNORE THE PRESS - HERE IS WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON

UKRAINE AFFAIRS 24/2/2014

Well, it looks like the president of Ukraine has fled.  In accordance with the custom of many of the more corrupt countries, it was with a couple suitcases stuffed with cash.

The protests are done and I was informed of this a mere seven hours after it happened.

Hurrah for Ukraine.

Note that fleeing with a lot of money is normal for the presidents of many countries.

To me as perhaps to a lot of Ukrainians, this came as a bit of an 'anti-climax'.

Many people would have rather had the 'storm the Bastille!' moment.

Seriously though I'm glad the violence and killing is over.

Well, for now.  In a couple months they are going to have a new election where they will get a choice of a couple different corrupt scumbags and we'll see which one gets into power and if they try to tear the country apart while looting a few hundred million.


UKRAINIAN MOOD AND WILD SPECULATION 27/2/2014

Most of the difficulty is going on in parts of the country I'm not.  Odessa seems to be all about money.  So long as the money continues to be made, everyone is happy.

The news media has to really make things seem a lot more gritty than they actually are.  Now make no mistake, there may be some gritty shit where I'm not.  I totally accept that.

Walking around the town daily (for my British habit of a 'daily constitutional') I keep an eye on people.  They don't seem particularly more 'wary' than normal.  However, this is the time that the country could go a lot of ways.  They may get a breakaway state in the Crimea like Moldova has with Transnistria (yes, I was there before, very clean).  The country could be torn apart by some lady politician (forgot her name) who was just released from jail.  Ukraine is amazingly divided on a lot of stuff anyway.  Some want to join the EU.  Some want to join Russia.  Some want to just be Ukraine and not go either way.  Some people speak Ukrainian, some Russian and only Russian, some speak both.  Some politicians try to force Ukrainian down the throats (pun intended) of the Russian only speakers making them linguistically foreigners in their own country.   Has the storm finished or is it a lull in the action?  Nobody knows - but the media will speculate as wildly as I in this paragraph because we both need content.



DIFFERENT DRINKING CUSTOMS

USA

Go get drunk.  There may be some dubious nuts on the bar but if you want anything else you have to order it.  Most don't.   After getting extremely drunk, you go to any of the various places that serve breakfast twenty four hours a day.  Order way too much food, don't eat much of it.  Next day, suffer colossal hangover.


British

Go get drunk at a pub.  After getting extremely drunk, go buy regretable food such as a greasy shawarma from a place you'd never eat at sober.  Next day, suffer colossal hangover.


Eastern European

While drinking, dinner is served.  You eat a little, drink a little.  Order more dishes as required.  Next day, rarely get hangover.

Getting people to change their mode because it feels so 'foreign' is amazingly hard.



STRANGE TV

What kind of bizarre TV show is this?

I didn't catch the entire set up but from what I gathered some very strange sexually deviant woman had a patient delivered from the hospital to her house to have sex with.  The patient had some sort of disease which caused significant parts of her body to be discolored in disgusting ways.

Despite the disease not being communicable, the patient even wore a hospital mask as she lay in a stretcher.

The woman stood over the patient and just gazed down at her for a long time.  Their eyes met.  The woman saw fear but also hope in the patients eyes.  But not lust.  A sort of desperation.  She began to remove the mask.

"Don't - I'm hideous!" the patient cried.

Then the woman understood.  She removed the mask, smiled at the patient and just hugged her.  She instantly knew what the patient needed and discarded her perversion to have this tremendous mutual outpouring of emotion with the patient.  Or maybe that's how she got her freak on.

Some questions popped in to my mind as I watched this frigging weird scene:

Did the stretcher bearers wait outside or did they have the woman just sign for the patient like a UPS parcel and leave?

What kind of hospital normally delivers their terminal patients to people who want to have sex with them?  Is it a subscription service?  Flavor of the week?

Who is using my brain to watch this sort of shit while I am asleep?  It makes no sense to me.  I don't recognize any of the people and remember it way too clearly.  I don't find it creepy, I find it irritating.



WHO LIVES AT THE HOSTEL?

It's always interesting living with a bunch of different people for a while.  You get to know them a bit.  When you are talking about a hostel in a foreign country, the people tend to be a bit more interesting than usual.

After a time, everyone gets a nickname.  Since I am respecting their privacy, I am not posting any actual names.

Boss, aka 'Evil Cat'.  That's the person who puts up pictures of naked men with my head attached and such.

'Dancing Queen' aka 'The Irishman who teaches English but none of us can understand'.

'Nipples the town drunk'.  I'm not sure how he got the nickname 'nipples' but he does get drunk fairly quickly and has epic hangovers.

'Lord Byron'.  He isn't a poet and the actual LB had MUCH shorter hair than he does.

My nickname is the 'huge fat pain in the ass for christsakes stop bitching' - I think.  That's what 'evil cat' calls me anyway.

There are also a couple ladies that live here.  Since they don't really speak much English, they haven't gotten colorful nicknames yet.  One is called 'the girl with red hair' and the other 'the singer' because she is actually a professional singer.



IN CASE YOU MISSED IT

If you haven't seen this video, I'd suggest watching it.  May change your outlook on the muppets entirely.  Do I even need to say that it's NSFW?

Much like this picture:



MEMES

Often, I've felt like this...



THANKS TO EVIL CAT
The little people are in pursuit!  (Yes, it's photoshopped.  Sadly, I am fatter.)



PRICES

Giant shopping market, per bag of groceries approximately 100 grivna (10 euros)


Friday, February 21, 2014

VIVA LA REVOLUCION

ODESSA PROTESTING

Saw a couple hundred people marching near the cathedral in Odessa chanting "Stand up Odessa".   This was the first time (19/2/14) I'd seen any kind of protest here.  I mentioned it to the owner of the hostel.  He told me (paraphrased) "Odessa is all about money.  They'll protest unless it interferes with the money."

One of these days I hope to catch a daytime protest on camera so I can put it in the blog.  This one was pretty simple though.  Just a lot of people marching on the sidewalk.  Not even any signs.


20/2/2014

There were long lines at the ATM's.  I managed to get a bit of money out but not nearly as much as I wanted.  None of the ATM's that didn't work charged my card unlike South America.

So, I got a little money.

It was a lot like being back in the good ole USSR.  Lots of people standing in lines.  Sometimes you got something, often you didn't.  But you stood in line for a long time because it was your only shot.

For those who want to snidely say "How would you know?  Have YOU ever been in the USSR?"  Yes.  Yes I have.  Shut up and sit down.

Also today they closed down the borders to any of the 'western' countries.  I'm not sure what that means but apparently if I want to go to Russia I still can.  I've been told that (but not bothered to confirm) airplanes, buses and trains have all been shut down.   This doesn't worry me over much because I'm already where I want to be for a bit.

It may be a matter of time before the internet is brought down to try to keep the rebels from using it to organize.  This will irritate me because I then won't be able to read clever things from my friends and play Minecraft.

Fortunately, I already have several movies downloaded.  I'd also have Jim Galford's book if he'd hurry up and get it in an audio format for me.  Lazy lemur.

So, I may be trapped in Ukraine for a bit.  Ironically, I chose to come here so that's OK for awhile.  If my visa was almost up I'd be more worried.

For those who want to say "I'll pray for you" how about instead donate $10 or $20 to my paypal?  It'll help out later.  The paypal e-mail address is logan9a@yahoo.com.  Praying is just like 'raising awareness' - nothing happens.  If I get a few grand in donations something WILL happen.  What will happen?  See monetary goals below.

For those who want to say "Be safe" I would only respond "If I wanted to 'be safe' I certainly would not have come to Ukraine during a revolution.


21/02/2014

The owner of the hostel cautioned me not to go anywhere near the opera house.  That's where the government buildings are and it has been rumored there would be a protest there.  Also, the government might have 'hired goons' there to bust it up.

He smiled when he told me this because he knew I'd immediately head to the opera house.

So...I headed down to the opera house...

Yes.  Really.  Most people are so concerned with 'safety' that their lives are as bland as Wonder Bread.

The same people who continuously whine how bored they are never live a life with any risk.


The only stops I made were at various empty ATM's along the way to attempt to get money.   Eventually, I found a couple that were giving it out only 1000 grivna (about 100 euro) at a time so I got hold of some money.  I wanted to pay for March in the hostel and have a couple weeks of extra money.


Large groups of rough angry looking men with clubs absolutely failed to lurk around the opera house.
Absolutely nothing like this was happening at all in Odessa.

Pretty much the only change going on today was there were approximately twenty or thirty percent less people on the streets.  Compared to the 'bhans' (strikes) in Nepal, this was really disappointing.

It was so mellow, I went and got a shave and a haircut.

At least on some intellectual level, people have begun to realize that news reported in the USA may be a ...tad bit inaccurate.
So they rely on me for the news.  Not sure if that's much better but at least I'm not interested to lie to sell more copies of this blog.  Especially since the blog is only funded by your generous donations.  (If you've never donated but would like to, use paypal and donate to logan9a@yahoo.com.  If you have donated before thank you very much.  If you haven't donated and don't plan on it, then  you are KILLING BABY JEBEBUS AND YOU ARE HELPING CANCER.  You don't want to kill babies with cancer do you?  No.  So donate to the blog.)


MONETARY GOALS

Donation amount total, what will probably be done with the money

<$3000  Vodka.

>$3000  I will go to Scotland and Ireland.  There I will start a new game I thought of in the hostel called "What's the Irishman saying?"  We will try to find an Irishman to say five different sentences.  You get one point per word in the sentence you get right.  You can play this at home!  It could become a new game show.



TOO SOON?

For those thinking "Well, Logan is making rather light of the situation with those poor Ukrainians who are getting killed fighting for freedom..."

Well, perhaps.

However,

How many people have read up on, viewed videos and perhaps even started to care about the situation here who might not have before due to putting a darkly humorous slant upon things?



SPEAKING OF DARK HUMOR

From the notorious Felbrig:
For the slow of brain, this was Photoshop.  In the midst of such devastation, violence and tragedy as the riots of Ukraine I would not be smiling and drinking beer.  It would be vodka and probably straight from the bottle.



PEOPLE WRITING ABOUT LOGAN

From Tim VT:

"Before Logan Horsford was a buddhist he was the founder of Faith Healing. In his first year of faith healing he saved two lives out of seventy four with just the power of faith. It was a miracle the man is a saint. With out Logan I would not have found my true calling. Thanks Logan After being bitten thirty seven times and only losing my right hand and three fingers from my left hand I am still the head snake dancer at my local church. God is still protecting me from the devils venom."


From Carolyn N:

"Because what's an ice cream sundae without all the nuts?



SOME FUN INTERNET PICTURES, IN CASE YOU MISSED THEM
Or if the rest of the blog made you cry and you need a laugh to balance things out:







COSTS

Four packages of premium cigarettes (Camel lights for those wondering what kind), 50 grivna (about 5 euros).

Bottle of vodka, the biggest size I could find (naturally), about 70-80 grivna.  You can get cheaper, this is for the one we dislike least.

Single serving of Chicken Caesar salad from the deli counter, about 20-25 grivna.  Cheap meal, may be healthy.

Staying in a hostel during the off season, private room, about $12 per night if you pay for a month or so.

Shave and a haircut with the electric clippers, 60-70 grivna, less if you're a local.

PICTURES

{{2011}} London, GB | Rail N Sail | Amsterdam, Netherlands | Prague, Czech Republic | Budapest, Hungary | Sarajevo, Bosnia | Romania | Chisinau, Moldova | Ukraine: Odessa - Sevastopol | Crossed Black Sea by ship | Georgia: Batumi - Tbilisi - Telavi - Sighnaghi - Chabukiani | Turkey: Kars - Lost City of Ani - Goreme - Istanbul | Jordan: Amman - Wadi Rum | Israel | Egypt: Neweiba - Luxor - Karnak - Cairo | Thailand: Bangkok - Pattaya - Chaing Mai - Chaing Rei | Laos: Luang Prabang - Pakse | Cambodia: Phnom Penh | Vietnam: Vung Tau - Saigon aka Ho Chi Minh City

{{2012}} Cambodia: Kampot - Sihanoukville - Siem Reap - Angkor Wat | Thailand: Bangkok | India: Rishikesh - Ajmer - Pushkar - Bundi - Udaipur - Jodhpur - Jasalmer - Bikaner - Jaipur - Agra - Varanasi | Nepal: Kathmandu - Chitwan - Pokhara - Bhaktapur - (Rafting) - Dharan | India: Darjeeling - Calcutta Panaji | Thailand: Bangkok - again - Krabi Town | Malaysia, Malaka | Indonesia: Dumas - Bukittinggi - Kuta - Ubud - 'Full Throttle' - Gili Islands - Senggigi | Cambodia: Siem Reap | Thailand: Trat | Turkey: Istanbul | Georgia: Tbilisi

{{2013}} Latvia: Riga | Germany: Berlin | Spain: Malaga - Grenada | Morocco: Marrakech - Essauira - Casablanca - Chefchawen - Fes | Germany: Frankfurt | Logan's Home Invasion USA: Virginia - Michigan - Indiana - Illinois - Illinois - Colorado | Guatemala: Antigua - San Pedro | Honduras: Copan Ruinas - Utila | Nicaragua: Granada | Colombia: Cartagena | Ecuador: Otavalo - Quito - Banos - Samari (a spa outside of Banos) - Puyo - Mera

{{2014}} Peru: Lima - Nasca - Cusco | Dominican Republic | Ukraine: Odessa

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