GEARING UP FOR UKRAINE

[Disclaimer:  Some of this has appeared previously on my Facebook.  Some has not.]


THE EXPECTED RANT

Eastern Europe.

SE Asia is nice but it seems like I've been here for quite a while and would like to bugger off for a bit.

I'm thinking of living near Kiev for three months in a rental property. Since Russia grabbed Crimea like a fat kid grabs candy (or Logan alcohol) their currency has crashed hard.

A furnished apartment with all utilities is under $200 per month. Maybe under $150 per month. For a nice place. With fucking wifi. It better have fucking wifi. I've been assured there will be wifi. Deep breaths.

The problem is 'after'. Fortunately, there are several countries which are only a few hours from Ukraine. Many even touch it.

Starting to think 'hey, I might be able to explore E Europe again'.

My goal in living for three months (in Logan's terms, that's a long long time) in one place is to save money so I can eventually get a new laptop (GTA5, etc), visit the USA and save the world.

The problem - it's going to be almost as much to fly to Kiev as the USA. Believe it or not. Apparently, a lot of (horny) people from the USA - wait - did I say horny? I meant 'hungry for culture'. Anyway, a lot of people fly from the USA to KL/Bangkok, hence the airline fares are much cheaper than (where the hell is) Ukraine.

Downside about Ukraine? Russian and Ukrainian languages. Really a bummer. I can get by (basic stuff) in like fifteen languages but no Slovak ones. At all.

So that will be a bit of a burden.

We'll see what happens.

Another fun fact, the only place that I have found (thus far, still looking) that sells 'reasonably priced' (under $600) tickets seems a bit on the dodgy side of 'a layover in one of the 'Stan' countries. Yeah. So that will be just loads of fun. Heavy research needed as it seems that no matter where I fly, the cost is about the same for some reason.



SUPER FUN RESEARCH

Research.  To some people, it is a way of 'dream building' their vacation.   They love nothing better than taking a few hours, days or weeks to find just the right hotel.  Figuring out the schedule.  To some people, it is a way of going on vacation without ever leaving their cubical.

Did this for years with co-workers and bosses I'd have gladly lit on fire.  Hated it.

For Logan, it is just a huge pain in the ass.

Either way, it is an integral part of travel.   As a philosophic traveler once told me, "A traveler without information is a bird without wings."

If you have a lot of money and don't mind spending it, you don't need to do as much research.  If you have even more money, fuck it - hire someone to do your research for you.  And guides.  And porters.  And people you can hurl whiskey bottles at when you're feeling low.

That's right - drink first, then throw!

Since I'm poor (and know absolutely no 'wealthy' people) I do my own research.  Like most people who read this.  Hopefully, you'll have more fun with it.

Because research is vital and you will be doing it should you ever decide to travel, I am putting down my research notes for your perusal.  They can be skipped if you really don't want to read about the work that goes into travel but if you've read this far you'll probably give them a light scan.  Unlike my brain, I will try to keep these notes on topic.  When talking about birds above, a couple minutes went away to fantasizing about eating turkeys.  No turkeys in SE Asia.  It's very sad.

Disclaimer:  There are actually turkeys here according to the internet but I've never come across them on a menu so as far as I'm concerned - no turkeys.  No gravy, cranberries, decent mashed potatoes (you'd think this isn't that hard to make, you'd be wrong), stuffing, etc.  Gosh I miss that.

All of this is being prompted because my long (free!) visa in Malaysia is coming to the end of it's 90 days.  I've explored a bit of the Island of Borneo and haven't been that impressed.  The people are friendly, you don't see a lot of tourists but there isn't anything you can't see on the mainland here that I've come across.  Sure, there are loads of 'wilderness sanctuaries'.  If I was thirty years younger and didn't rely on wifi for my very soul I might be more interested.  Well, that's a lie.  I've never given that much of a shit about being eaten by mosquitoes.

If there is even a small hole in the mosquito netting, you might as well have this for all the good it will do you.  Either way, sleeping under netting sucks so much...  (For those who don't know why, it is damned hot - no air movement.)

I've got a couple friends who are a husband/wife reporter team I've known for a few years.  They live in Ukraine.  I'm fortunate enough to get occasional correspondence (via Facebook, long may it reign) from Sergey.  He told me (and I quote) "one one-room apartment rent 80 USD with WI-fi and utilities, tasty and big pizza delivery 4 USD, 40 minutes of massage performed by a doctor 3 USD, beer in Restaurant 0.8 USD".

I thought "Isn't that interesting?"

"On my way!"

[As an interesting side note, to get this picture I actually googled 'Logan Horsford happy'.  Odd because being on a camel is not a happy time for anyone with testicles.  Also, I don't take nearly so many selfies as much of the world seems to.  I count that as a win.]

After messing about in SE Asia for another month I was bored of it.  The only three countries I kind of like are Cambodia (Mexican food), Thailand (good value for money) and Malaysia (most modern of the three).  The rest, not so much.

Sick of SE Asia.

This is what you get when you google 'sick of SE Asia'.  Funny.

The town Sergey lives in is near Kiev and Chernobyl - as in 'whoops reactor go boom' back in the old days of communism.  Sadly, just like all those plastic bags that last forever in landfills, that whole radiation thing is still with us.

But the area he is talking about is well out of the Fallout zone.

Some people actually know why he is doing the thumbs up and looking only through one eye.  Count yourselves as clever and educated if you do.  If not, just believe he is a happy fellow!

Let's be honest though - for those prices I might risk being a whole lot closer to the radiation zone.

And being in Ukraine does put Eastern Europe pretty damned close to me.  Closer than many trips I've taken to play NERO.

Problem 1:  Getting to Kiev.

The plane schedule from where I am (Miri, Malaysia) to get to the big hub (Kuala Lumpur AKA KL) looks like this:

10:00 - 12:15
14:20 - 16:30
18:55 - 21:05

The flight from KL to Kiev looks like this:

10:55 - 20:45

You know what that means?

That means I am fucked.

Imagine being the person who actually took this picture saying to their friends "Guess what I saw today?"

Yep.  It will be a long assed night wandering the terminal, smoking and sitting around with all of my shit.  Oh, but why not fly there, get the train or an over priced cab into town to pay top dollar for a grotty place to sleep so that you can get up real early  to try to make it to the airport three hours before your flight leaves?  And spend a bunch of useless money?

Because it's not really a clever idea.  Even if part of me thinks "Yeah, sure, I'd only have to get up by six in the morning, find a taxi running that is happy to rip me off..."

If you google 'evil taxi driver', you get the zombie taxi driver from Ghostbusters.  Apparently, actual evil taxi drivers are too evil to photograph.

Nope.  It's a lot of useless money I'd rather give to Starbucks in the airport so I can bitch about their wifi.

So I have a long night to look forward to.  Not a huge deal at KL airport.  They don't close it and drive the patrons into the streets like some airports I've been to in the past.

Once in Boryspil International Airport (the one the plane flies into) it is a 50 UAH (thats about $2) bus into Kiev.

Because as my good friend and travel mentor Adam posted...

OK.  Got that part settled.

Sadly, the town Sergey was talking about doesn't seem to have a lot of rental properties.  Switch to plan B.  Kiev, Lviv then Chernihiv.  They go down in price in that same order as well.  The latter two also put me close to the borders of other interesting countries.   If prices are cheap (or you are rich), plan B is not difficult.



BUYING AIR TICKETS ON LINE

Buying tickets on line is always stressful.  Because they really don't have their online shit together as much as we all wish they did (especially from less tech savvy countries) buying airline tickets always feels like wagering a good chunk of money at a craps table.

Not that I've ever gambled a 'good chunk of money'.  You have to have one first with which to gamble.

Getty Images - not really realizing that once you put a picture out there that putting your name on it won't keep people from using it or caring.  Getty Images is gratefully acknowledged as having either taken or bought this picture.  Like you care.

So anyway, it feels a lot like you are gambling several hundred dollars on a bet.  Will the ticket go through?  Will you think it did but it didn't?  Will the company keep your money and blow up the plane?  Who knows.  Either way, when you click it, it's gone.

Unless your fucking credit card doesn't work.

My bank (in the states) though helpful is way overprotective.  I have to literally tell them about every country I want the card to work in and update them frequently.  Apparently, they hadn't been planning on me doing business with 'one of the -stans'.

After calling my bankers (I love skype) I got the payment pushed through.

The day after, I went to check the bank (and Paypal that I'd used for the local ticket Miri to KL) to see if the payment went through.  This is actually a good tip - inspect what you expect.  The big ticket went through, the Paypal one is still 'pending' for some damned reason.  I sent them a message.  You see?  Stressful.  In addition, you should receive confirmation letters and such in your e-mail.  Check out all of this stuff closely.  Make sure they have been paid and are happy.  Other travelers tell me stories about their payment not going through and the airline looking all surprised when they showed up with 'reservations' - but no tickets/seats.


THE HUMP

Of course, you need plane tickets to get over what I personally think of as 'the hump'.

I'm pretty sure that I've discussed it before but these are the countries I wish were cheap, safe, fascinating tourist meccas (probably not the right word there...) but sadly they've gone the other way.  I need to take a plane to get over them.  Generally, they are not good places to go either because of high cost or low survival expectations.

And getting over the hump is always a few hundred dollars.  No budget airlines fly over the hump - which is sad.  It's weird but the price to get over the hump is about $150 less than it is to fly from KL to the USA.  Strange, eh?



UKRAINE RAIL MAP

I think there are a lot more minor rail connections than are shown but this does tell me they seem to have a pretty extensive rail system in Ukraine.  If prices are as cheap as I'm seeing, there could be some sightseeing and exploration by rail going on.  Yes, I know I am one to take advantage of a countries' problems but this is a unique opportunity to see a bit more of Ukraine.  Possibly before Russia decides it wants another slice.

"Hey - I am too cool being - like your Fonzie.  But with a nuclear missile where my dick was."

Oh that crazy Putin.  What ever will he do next...

Anyway, since I need to absorb off the cost of flying to Ukraine, for my first couple months I'll be seeking and staying in places for a longer term.  A month - two if very nice and I'm not sick of the town.  Then, go outside of Ukraine for a bit - check out other Eastern European countries then back in unless I'm sick of the place.

It's a solid plan and oddly, my travel mentor isn't telling me it is a stupid plan.  This makes me feel pretty good about it.

He also advised me to bring some extra 'hard currency' as a negotiating tool for rent.  It's been so long I had to double check what he was talking about.  Yes, dollars and euros.  Same kind of 'hard currency' they use to go on and on about back in the bad ole days of the USSR.  Sadly, it is a pain in the ass to get in Miri as banks regard it as the job of the money changers.  The money changers regard it as their job to rip you off.



TRAVELER'S TIP

The day after making a payment (especially for airfare) look at your accounts online to see if the money was actually paid out.  If not, make inquiries.  While it is an extra step you shouldn't be required to do when dealing with professionals, remember that the merchants frequently aren't and that banks are mutherfuckers.  Though the people who help you individually may be quite nice.  [I put that disclaimer in for all the really nice people who have helped me over the years at my bank.]



BOOK REVIEWS

I'm listening to The Walker Papers.

It's a decent urban fantasy series...aside from the fact that the author makes all of the men again attractive. Does this mean the author owns a lot of cats? I don't know - but that does seem to be a common theme for romance writers.

One of the ladies various love interests (they always juggle several because...cats...) is the captain of the police force she works for.

Ever see the TV series "Person of Interest"? Remember the dirty cop who was strong armed onto the good guy's team and eventually became a good guy? Fusco? Yeah. I have retaliated and am using his image as her captains.

This makes me rebelliously happy and makes some of the scenes much more interesting being that he is 'short and blocky' and I'm thinking not considered handsome by any women in the classical sense of the word. Maybe not any sense. I've no idea.

Why am I listening to a book series (not just one book but a series) that I am subverting? Because there just don't seem to be enough decent series out there in the urban fantasy stuff. Most of them are written (and consequently read) by women. There are some women readers who are OK (like the one who reads the Walker Papers) but many of them make me wish I were gay.

Sigh.

I'd put this series at a 5/10. It's a book series for when you are needing something to read.



MOVIE REVIEWS

(Hell, reviews of both books and movies?  This blog really has it all, huh!)

War of the Worlds (2005)

Gave this really freakishly expensive (though it did make a lot of money) a 3/10.

The positives: Lots of nifty death and dramatic action.

The negatives: The most annoying, unlovable family who I desperately wanted to have get picked off one at a time all survive despite logic and common decency.

Why they would want to make the main characters so annoying and ones you'd like to back over with your car is strange. Usually, you want people you would hope to have survive so that you can get all sympathetic and cheer them on. I cheered on the Martians though I knew they were doomed from the beginning. Wells told me so.

What really scares me is that some of my readers will know who Mr. Wells is by sight.  [For the rest of you, am I fucking with you?  Yes.  Yes I am.  Enjoy.]

PRICES (MIRI)

Local food - small dinner, under 10 MYR.  Big dinner, double that.  Includes 1-2 plates of food (small or big) and two ice teas.

Beer:  Fuck that, it's way too expensive here.  Only tourists, rich folks and desperate alcoholics drink a bunch of that here.  Go to Cambodia to drink.

DROPPING BOMBS FOR FUN AND PROFIT

BARTERING IN MALAYSIA

Finally managed to corner the guy I believe to be the owner and did some bargaining for the room.  If I were to pay everything up front for an entire month, I save $2 per day.  Two dollars!

While that is a savings of 11%, I'm thinking I'd rather leave than stay that long here with the crazy lady.

But wait - we have a government website that we can put in a complaint on.  If we get enough complaints then...well, probably nothing will happen.  And no, I won't agree to give you your money back should she return.

For fun (ie I knew it would be fucked up and I'd have a story to write about) we tried the government website.  Unless you fill out every field correctly you get an error.  And some of them are so obscure the locals had to establish a 'brain trust' to figure out what they meant.

Malaysian government website - works just like this.

After all of those hurdles, when you get to the end you get a lovely message saying the government's shit is broken and will be repaired (not) soon.

Talking with locals I've found out they really haven't gotten to the point where they have real estate agents or anything who (for a small fee) will help put people into rental homes here.  Not quite to that point yet.  What they have is a newspaper in English called 'Star'.

I'll check it out but it is becoming apparent to me that soon it will be time to buy my plane ticket and GTFO.  I'd stay longer - even without the pretty much useless discount on the room - but getting screamed at repeatedly while trying to sleep is wearing thin pretty quick.  That may account for some of the divorce rate.

I think I am one of the people who would actually put this to good use - and no more room rental cost!

CONTINUING THE CRAZY

This morning - early - she was particularly loud.  She had discovered that some of the voices in her head needed to be screeched at for a half hour.

For me, I'd pretty much decided to just suck it up.  I've got some of the locals met at the Speakeasy looking into places to stay because the newspapers are completely useless.  Figured I might not be staying all that long at my current abode in the Star Lodge.

And they told me a room four down had opened up.

Why not?

It's amazing how many trips it takes you to move all your shit when it is unpacked.

Feels like that.

Now set up in a new room it seems much quieter.  I can't hear her scratching around.  What was she doing?  I have no idea but it sounded like endlessly rubbing plastic bags on concrete.  [Edit:  Correction, I can still hear her scratching around.]

Hopefully it won't sound as though she is in the same room when she decides to start screaming tomorrow.

No idea if any of the people I spoke with are going to come back with useful housing but I've told them that it has to have everything included, wifi, electricity and so on.  One old man objected to this and said 'But you don't know what it will cost!'

If I had a place and needed 600 MYR to make the rent, electricity was normally 100 MYR during the expensive months and I charged 1000 MYR for it, I'm guessing I could cover even high electricity use.  It is not that fucking hard to figure out.

With our team of accountants, scientists and statisticians, we can figure this out!

The place has to be at least as nice as where I'm staying and cheaper.  Otherwise, there is no reason at all to move.  To give up the massive flexibility of 'Bored, lets fucking move' it has to be special.

Looking at places will provide some possible entertainment however.

Note on the crazy lady - I'm not planning on going and photographing her or filming her.  I get that this is a rough period in her pretty sure to be fairly short life.  Going with 'basic human dignity' here.  However, I am allowed to bitch.  If she wants to bitch about fat tourists waddling around and judging her solely based on the amount of screaming she does, she can make her own blog.  Maybe call it "Screaming in Peace".  Also, I turned down the offer of a Malaysian gentleman who offered to get me firecrackers I could throw at her to attempt to drive her off.  Is this a normal method of dealing with the homeless?  I am unsure.

Can you believe the kind of shit you see in this blog?  That's what you get for reading 'edgy' travel blogs!

LOGAN AND HIS IRRATIONAL HATRED OF MUSIC

At the Speakeasy, everyone is sitting around and having great conversations.  Suddenly, the guy pictured below starts blaring some music and puts on a badly performed show involving several different props.  He's trying to whirl them around, hitting his arms as he does so.  Fine, get a picture.  If he'd stopped the music after he had tired preforming his mating dance, I'd be good with that - but no, he wants to continue playing his shitty music.

The most elaborate courtship ritual ever.  Guessing just for short term mating as people who aren't broken usually don't stick with selfish children.

I mention it and he gets upset.  "I came here for conversation and there is already music going on someone else is playing."

"I don't like it" he says.  Well, too fucking bad you entitled fuck, I don't like your music either.

Goes back to my essay written in an earlier blog (do not ask me which) about why I now prefer the sounds of cats fucking to music.



COSTS

Hooker - streetwalker, 150 MYR
Hooker - brothel, 200 MYR (kind of seems like you might want to spend the extra on this).

[Disclaimer, no I haven't been making the rounds on hookers.  They were all mysteriously killed.  But finding out the price is still interesting!]

Dammit, Matt!

THE AMAZING 400TH BLOG POST!

YES AMERICA, THERE ARE OTHER COUNTRIES

Thanks to Travis G for that wonderful title.



THE AMAZING 400TH BLOG POST

For those of you just joining us, this is our 400th blog.  That averages out to about 100 posts per year of the four years I have been continuously traveling.  I would like to say 'thank you' to all of the fans of the blog and 'eat a dick' to all of the people who tell me that ten posts does a blog make.

Newer readers may think we're going to be doing something special and magical for the long awaited 400th post.

They would be wrong.

Sadly, life doesn't work like that and since I'm not Fox News, I don't just make shit up.

Sorry.  [Editor:  This is clearly a lie as he makes shit up later in the blog.  Watch for it!  He blames the whiskey.]

The Simpsons make a big hullabaloo about their four hundredth episode so I suppose I can at least include some fanfare.

On a more serious note, I'd like to thank all of the loyal readers that are still reading this.  Mainly because I can't swear at those who don't read it.  To all of the new readers, I hope you enjoy this gritty look at 'how things really are for travelers' - at least from Logan's perspective.



THE CRAZY LADY WHO LIVES BEHIND MY ROOM

She's been getting louder.  I wandered around looking for a different room.  At the same price (50 MYR) I can get a shitter room.  Yes, shittier than this decent room with my own madwoman out back.

From time to time, the neighbors here get sick of her and call the police.  They don't do anything.  In the past, they've even called the Malaysian equivalent of 'social services'.  They came and collected her and she went to a place where she received the help she needs.  Probably medicine.

This cured her so they let her leave.

In no time she was back in the alley putting worms into her hair.

And annoying Logan.  (Yes, poor Logan.  I know.)

Talking to the desk clerk it appears that in a couple days a room further away from 'crazy pants' will open up.  I'll go take a look at it.  [Note, this didn't happen.  They really don't care so long as they get paid at cheaper hotels.]

Till then, I get to hear her ranting at the voices in her head.

If it gets too annoying, I'll just go live in Chinatown in KL and be able to bitch about the prostitutes and such there I suppose.

Or, might just get that plane ticket (there and back again) to Indonesia and go see what's happening there.

Could go to Korea but the cost does worry me a bit there.

Realizing the crazy lady does give me quite a bit to write about in the blog, I know part of me should thank her loud ass.   "Excuse me, but could you be crazier in a more quiet fashion?"  Don't see that working.

If I can find a way to mitigate the crazy, I might just stay here a bit longer.

Not her - note this is an entirely different crazy woman.

In San Francisco they sometimes use water to keep the homeless off the stairs of places like churches.  Because everyone knows God hates the homeless.

Sometimes, acid is instead used.  One homeless man was hosed down with acid.  The church assumed this homeless man named Gordon had been killed.  Some people were happy when they discovered he was indeed still alive.  [Editor:  Three unrelated things and a healthy dose of lying just to be able to finish it up with the 'Gordon's Alive' video?  You've been watching that too often recently.  Suggest cutting back.  Also, remember you are NOT Fox News.]

Well, it does make people too stupid to use the internet happy I suppose.  "You have to keep track of what's going on!"  Yeah, right.

CHINA AND THANK YOU PRESIDENT OBAMA

Using this picture is probably as close as I will ever get to having a beer with Obama.

Yes, Obama actually did something which directly helped me.  First time from any president.  Go him.

It is now much easier to get a visa to go to China.

"Yes, Rogan come in to my web.  I've been waiting for you, you so slow and fat!  How you get so fat?  You think you Buddah?  You no Buddah!  Die fatboy!"  - Courtesy of Chinese Consulate.

They still have some weird rules and I'm not sure what I can actually get but if I end up hanging out in Kuala Lumpur, it might be worth it to go to the Chinese embassy to consult.

And thank you Mr. Ambassador.

As you can see in the picture above, any visa for US citizens costs the same.  Why wouldn't someone want to get the multiple entries for ten years?  I'm thinking they might say "Despite it costing the same, we will only issue you this lesser visa" - but I could be wrong.  The webpage this is from is here.

Note that I found out China is more expensive even than Malaysia.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  And again.  I have no problem going to a fucked up country but when it is expensive what is the fucking point?  I can go somewhere nice 'for expensive'.



KUALA LUMPUR

This is an expensive city and finding a fairly cheap hotel (or even hostel) which isn't a complete horror show took some doing.

What a creepy fucking kid.  Note to our readers, if any of your kids are this creepy, please send in their pictures.  We'll get them into the blog.  Note, if they are actually 'cute' and you are trying to pass them off as creepy we will ignore or mock you.  Nobody cares about your cute kids.  Only your creepy little spawn of Satan pyro kids.

The best value for money I could find is about 60 MYR but it isn't the kind of place I'd want to stay for long.

Checking on hotels near the airport, change the same price into USD.  For some of the airports double it.

My best bet would be busing to KL, going straight to the airport and sitting around for a few hours waiting for my flight?

Why no officer, I wasn't slitting my wrists in boredom.

"Oh, Logan - don't you want to see Kuala Lumpur?"

As tempting as yet another 'they kind of all look the same' glass and steel city is, I'd rather go to a smaller place that costs significantly less money and is more interesting.



ENGLISH

Two things.  First, there is a great chance here of finding people who not only speak some English but fluently, though heavily accented.  Second, English in this country is actually required on some official government forms.

That's why when I run in to people from here who don't speak it, this always comes to mind.



SPEAKEASY

"The Speakeasy" is not it's official name.  Not sure if it has one.  However, given the 'grey market' ('black market'?) nature of the business, I figured 'speakeasy' fit.

Because both tourists and locals freely mix, it is a great place. Well, that and cheap booze.

Do you know what nemesis means?

Sometimes, there are tons of people that flood in. One of the tourists wanted to try to get everyone into one big group. He had them sit in a huge circle.

I'm thinking "This is lame, I can't even hear people from the other side of the circle."

Got my chair into the middle and started working my way around the circle.

A picture taken as it happened.  Photo credit to Josi H. and a big thank you.

Fuck thinking 'inside the box'. Or, in this case, the circle.

For those who don't know - but care - I believe the red arrow points to about where the watering hole is.

SHOPPING

There is a huge tower which would be absolutely fabulous to go up and take a long majestic look at the city.  In 2017, you might (might) be able to do that.  Because they are 'refurbishing' it.  Better than it collapsing, I guess.

Around the base are three malls connected by bridges.  The stores in them range from the guy with a table of crap to modern stuff you see in 'westernized' countries.

The shops are all manned by phone zombies who seem to have no skills outside of playing with their phone and express heavy annoyance when taken away from their phone to deal with customers.

Carefully questioning fat natives revealed two stores which had clothing huge enough for even me.  Needless to say I was excited.

Just like this guy.  So...excited...  (Disclaimer, not my pic - I've not seen grass here.)

After spending time rousing the zombies, I managed to buy a pair of shorts.  Sounds simple for other people but for me to get some that actually fit is not easy.

My role model.

The shorts themselves can be seen above in the picture which I'm surrounded by other travelers.  These were the least messed up looking shorts I was able to find.  Asian fashions...woohoo...



WHILE SHOPPING

Be sure to try out these massage chairs.

Here is how much they cost.

Totally...worth...it...

At some point, I'm going to go there to just spend an hour in one.   Five and a half dollar per hour entertainment I can do for an hour.



VIDEO

The Malaysian reincarnation of Elvis belts out one of his numbers.  (Note, I apologize how dark it is.  My cheap camera doesn't like the night.)



COSTS

Aside from drinking, I've gotten my costs down to about $25 per day.  Drinking could add another $6.  Not bad for several hours of entertainment talking to interesting people but still a significant addition.

Excellent Indian meal, 12 MYR

Scooter rental, 30 MYR or 60 MYR, depending on the horse power.

Camera Museum, 20 MYR.  (No, I didn't go.  Cared more about having 20 MYR than seeing cameras.)

Three mimosas and a paper packet of rice, 3.50 MYR.

PUNCHING THE FART BOX OF TRAVEL WITH MY TONGUE

PUNCHING THE FART BOX OF TRAVEL WITH MY TONGUE

As I'd mentioned, it is a wee bit hot here.  I rate the heat in several different stages.

Not:  No bandanna required.  May get a light sweat or develop a sweat if I wander around much.

Bit hot:  Bandanna required simply to keep sweat from splattering onto my glasses.  When you toss your bandanna away and it goes 'plop', that's sweaty hot.  It is outstanding to wander around in this because it isn't long until you are drenched with sweat.  You really feel like you did a hard work out.  Even if you didn't.

Dangerous:  Above something like thirty five degrees it is time to scurry from one shade to another.  Generally, I only encounter this sort of heat when I'm in deserts.  Hopefully, I will be wearing 'Arabic style' clothing.  By this I mean of course a djellaba and keffiyeh.  Best things you can wear in that climate.

In Malaysia, it's a 'bit hot'.

After wandering around the town for thus far three days, I'm not sure what it is people come here for.  There are tons of tourists, European and Asian.  But it's not all that nifty of place.

It's also a bit difficult to walk around given the lack of sidewalks.

To clarify, they do have them but about 30-50% of them are used for other things (restaurants, parking for mopeds, shops, garbage storage and so on) and are pretty much impassable.  It's like they'd heard of them but figured they could re-purpose them for better things.

I'm going to keep wandering around for awhile to try to find the attraction of this city.



THE HOMELESS LADY

Outside of my window lives a homeless lady.

I believe she is completely off her rocker.  She spends all day just sitting there scratching around.  No idea what she is up to, don't much care.

Aside from the occasional noise.

I asked a guy who works in the hotel what was up with her.

"She is homeless.  Very sad."

Obviously not so sad that anyone does anything about it.  More of the 'isn't that fucking tragic' as you step over them or ignore them kind of sad.

It always amuses me in a black humor sort of way when people say "Oh, isn't that tragic!" or "It's so sad."  Almost like they're programmed to.  People generally don't give a fuck about these people beyond saying "So sad!"  No aid comes.  So why pretend to be sad?  Perhaps it is an unconscious effort to show other humans we are good people.  Perhaps it is a way to affirm we/our tribe/our nation has it better than others.  I've no idea.

Shit, we even care a bit more about animals than other humans, by a few years!

For me, I don't waste time pretending to care.  It has as much use as those people who promise to 'pray for you'.  They get to give you some lip service about how they care but honestly, they're doing nothing.  I don't bother to give the lip service.  Does that make me a bad person?  In the eyes of people I probably wouldn't like, perhaps.  Realistically, does it make me just like everyone else?  I've no idea.

One of the great measurements of how good the people of a land and their government are is how well they actually take care of the poor, the sick, the mentally ill and so on.   Which again passes the buck and puts it in the hands of government.  Unless we have to pay taxes to help keep this up, then we bitch.



HUMANS IN SPACE

In this gif (where does this shit come from) the human is played by the monkey.  The goat plays any and all alien races we come across.  If aliens did show up, this would go a long way to explain why they keep anal probing people.

Behold, the real reason the internet was invented.  If you would like to see this very NSFW tragedy in all it's dubious glory, click here.

COSTS

Decent Indian meal (with pretty horrible waiters), 21MYR

New sandals (at last, with absolutely no warranty), 81MYR (that's about $22)



DAILY COST

Just for you guys I did something I normally do not do.  I kept track of everything I've spent money on today.  Unless I go crazy for a soda or something later.  Here is a list of a fairly average day.  All prices in ringgits.

52 Rent
9  Breakfast half dozen very small egg roll things and a big cup of coffee
2  Small soda
23 Dinner spaghetti with meat sauce and a baked potato inexplicably squashed flat with diet soda
9  Small package of six cookies, small packet of Q-tip wannabes, 1.5 liters of cold water

Total:  95 ringgits.  At the time of this writing, that is $25.76.  Before you say 'oh, that's cheap' remember that on top of this cost I will have laundry, replacement stuff (like my new sandals the other day), travel expenses (such as air fare, etc).  Over all, it seems to be in the neighborhood of what I should be spending today though.

I do realize that is what some people spend going to the movies.



VIDEO

My 52MYR room in Georgetown.

MALAYSIA, THE BOX FACTORY

TRAIN FROM HAT YAI (THAILAND) TO PENANG (MALAYSIA)

I really liked the train station in Hat Yai.  It was almost cozy.

Unfortunately, the train turned out to be as well.

If you are going to Penang, you have to go way down to one end of the train to embark.  Turns out that later, they unhook the rest of the cars for some reason.

This is not a good thing.

When I first got into one of the only two cars going to my destination, it turns out that not only is it crowded but the beds people have recently vacated are still set up.  The train workers aren't very quick about converting those back into seats.

So it was a cluster fuck.

There were also an older couple of rude American tourists on the train.  They didn't want to share their seats because others didn't have to...  The usual entitled bullshit.  Fortunately, they got stung by karma soon after.  [Note, Logan doesn't really believe in karma but it helps illustrate the point.  The hope someone  will get stung by karma is done by people incapable of dishing out retribution on their own.]

Met up with four nice backpackers who I ended up visiting with on the way down.  They had made the mistake of leaving a lot of their stuff on a completely empty abandoned beach while they went and played in the water.  When they came back, everything - including clothing, electronics, etc was gone.  This is always a thought I have before going swimming - where do I leave my shit so it doesn't get stolen?  On the beach - even if it seems abandoned - is not a good idea.  "Haven't you guys ever watched slasher flicks?"  I asked.  "Bunch of sexy teens down on an abandoned beach - I mean - wow."  They agreed it could have been worse plus their travelers insurance covered all of their losses.  But now they are a bit wiser, a bit more wary.

After an hour, the train arrived at the border.  "Take off all of your stuff!" we were told.  Since the tickets had no seat reservations, this meant that no seats were reserved.

Customs was a very fast breeze.  There were various people along the way to guide the crowd along.  Stamp here, stamp there.  I was heading toward the exit when one of the bag searchers - I routinely ignore them unless they stop me - asked me to open up my bag.

Her nose wrinkled as I pulled out the top bag - the dirty laundry.  "Just clothes in there?"  Yes, I replied.  And that was the end of the search.

Dirty laundry always goes on top.

Everyone got back on the train.  At last, the all four of the young tourists had seats and the rude Americans got to wander around and hope someone was nice enough to let them share a seat with them.

After three or four hours and a time zone change, we arrived in Butterworth, Penang.  As I exited the train station (which was designed by a mad man) immediately a sleazy cab driver popped up and asked if he could rob me.

I had to do the Archer "Nooope!" about five times - pretty much to anything he said - until he fucked off and went away.  Then I discovered right outside the door a free van to take us all to the ferry was pulling up.

That'll do.

They managed to wedge me and all my shit into the van and took us the short distance to the ferry.  I would guess from the time I left the train station until the ferry took off was about fifteen minutes.  I was impressed.



BASE CAMP

It appears my luck is holding.

Obviously, my luck comes from the fact that in the USA people are yelling 'Irish' and getting as drunk as possible.  People in Ireland itself don't celebrate that day nearly as hard.

When I got in to town with two hours of sleep and my body threatening to shut down, I went on the tour of different places to sleep.

I questioned various people, tourists and locals, "Where do all the tourists stay" to get directed to the general location.  Holy shit, there are a lot of tourists here.  Why, I am not sure but this is the kind of place people are bringing their babies to.

Once in the tourist district, I  went on a tour of some full places as well as a couple that were so sleazy you'd expect to find several dead hookers already stashed there.  I'm talking over the top shitty with beds nearly in the shape of a 'U', wildly dirty sheets, no screens and partially broken off windows.  Took a look at them and wondered how people could possibly be charging $10 per night to have anyone stay there.  Wouldn't want to stay there if they were paying me $10 per night.

If you push the mattress off the box spring, you get to find something my buddy Matt hid.

Eventually came to a place that seems a bit pricey at $17 and small but seems to be the best.  Turns out there are a few expats staying here and they assured me this is the best for the money they've found.

The only downsides I've found thus far are that they apparently will rent rooms to families with little kids.  This sucks simply because - like most places - there is no soundproofing at all.  Also, after midnight the guy in charge of the desk crashes in the foyer.  It would be much better if I had my own balcony (or a common balcony) to smoke on.  Since I don't, I get to go into that room while he's sleeping.  Part of the disadvantage to my schedule of staying up till three in the morning and sleeping till noon.  Honestly, there is no good reason to get up in the morning.

Current hotel cost is 65 ringgits.  This is still a bit high at $17.55.  Without AC (which I haven't turned on yet) the cost goes down to 55 ($14.85).  I planted seeds of 45 ($12.55) in the guy who is running the places head if I end up staying for a week.  If I can get it down to even $15 a week and figure out where to eat that won't cost 20-30 ($5.40 to $8.10) and keep it at around 10 ($2.70) that would be great.  If I can do that, I'll probably stay in this town for awhile.

Note, none of that shit happened.  His 'ability to negotiate' was adjusting the price by the value of a cheap cup of coffee.  Not worth it to be locked into a town that seems to have all the thrills of a tour of the local box factory in the Simpsons.

But, it's a base of operations from which to explore the town.  Dull, dull town.  Which is amazingly hot right now.

Don't get me wrong - I firmly believe that people who bitch both when it gets too hot and too cold are just whiny pussies.  Pick one temperature you like and stick to it.  Or grow a brain big enough to figure out how to make the money to get multiple homes.

I picked 'fuck the cold'.  Totally OK with hot.  However, you have to respect the heat.  Malaysians don't go out nearly as often during the middle of the day and I'm working on re-tuning my schedule to match theirs.  Everyone goes out at night because the heat is brutal during the day.

When I say brutal, I mean "I think it may be physically dangerous for me to spend too much time in the sun here."  Not "I am too lazy to move and want to bitch about the weather."

It's quite a switch from South Africa where if you go out at night you might die.

Dying from the heat is bad but there are other brutal ways to go.

OTHER NEARBY PLACES

There is some island north of here (I forget the name - probably Langkawi - but you can get a ferry there) which is 'duty free'.   That sounded nice until I talked to expats about it.  Everything else there is more expensive - including the already overpriced hotels.  In addition, the city is very spread out so a taxi is required to go anywhere.

Doesn't sound like you'll save much money to me - probably why all of the Malaysians go to Thailand to drink.



TRAVELER'S TIPS

Always make friends with (or at least be super cordial to) people on the train.  It makes the journey better, they can watch your luggage for you and may even save you a seat as the nice group of young tourists did for me.


If you don't have the nicer giant zipper opens the whole backpack and instead have the 'dig like a badger' model, stinky dirty clothing always goes on top.  Period.

Need help committing suicide?  There is help.  Oh - wait - just read the last line.  Never mind.

PRICES

Well, it's more challenging anyway...

Lodging:  Dorm, 25-35R, room about 25R for 'good to bang a hooker in only if she isn't picky' to 55R for a decent room, 65R with AC.  This is for a tiny room.  It's very easy to spend 100R+ on lodging.

Food:  Prepared who knows when and served to you cold meals, 10R.  Actually cooked (or at least warmed) when you order them, two to five times that amount.

Cigarettes:  13.50R

White coffee:  This famous in Malaysia drink tastes horrible to Logan.  A complex flavor of crap.  6R.

Ferry from Butterworth to Penang: under 2R.  Note that the guy in the booth does not cell you the ticket - he just gives you change which you use to get through the turnstile.