Poland and the fumbled research roll

Before I started traveling, I watched a LOT of stuff on traveling.  You know what always bothered me about the professional travelers?

They never fucked up completely.  A bone headed jarringly stupid thing. 

At least none they'd admit to on their slick sites and such.

That's where I am different. 

A lot of people out there think "Oh, I can't travel - it's hard".  After reading this, you'll say "If HE can do it..."   Actually, you might be thinking "How is he still alive?"

And that is true.  Both parts.  You too can travel if you choose to and yes, at the time of this writing I am still alive.  (If found to be dead, please drink some alcohol and 'cheers' my bloated corpse.)


So here's what happened.


Before coming to Poland, I'd booked a place for a three day stay.  Figured I could stay there, scope out the city and then - after I'd figured stuff out a bit - more to a better place.

Unfortunately, I didn't check the small box stating that my building had to have an elevator in it. 

It was up on the fourth or fifth (or higher?) floor.  And it was those kind of stairs that go all the way around in a box due to the high ceilings.

Had the night porter not come down when I was dying on the second floor, grabbed my bag and humped it up to the top, I'd have turned around, gone and gotten a hotel (any hotel) and stayed there instead.

As it was, I barely made it to the top of how ever many flights of stairs and took two breaks doing it.

So now I've got a problem. 

A different problem than being fat and hideously out of shape I mean.

I'd not eaten all day and it was night time.

Working with the night porter (whose English was limited) I got a pizza and two liter of soda delivered.  When they came they weren't exactly what I wanted but close enough.  I knew that once I went down those stairs there was no more going up them.


The next day, I had one more piece of the pizza and did my best to do some research for a better place to stay.

Found a place on Airbnb.  Checked the map of Krakow (where I was) and it looked fine.

Had to pay the entire price up front. 

Since the crazy time known as 'May Day' - May first - seems to be a thing here as well I decided to book a place from today (7 Apr) till 7 May.  That way, hopefully everyone who was clogging up the hotels with wanting to be on holiday would have buggered off by then and returned 'from whence they came'.

Since it was AirBnB, you have to pay the whole thing up front (about $1200) and their draconian return policy says that if you cancel, you don't get the first month back.  Ie, the whole thing.

Contact an Uber, have him take me there.

When we get there, rather than the nifty hotel I was expecting, it was a house.  A house with an unlocked and easy to open front door I discovered when I knocked.  I quickly closed it again because I didn't want them to think some fat foreigner was there to steal their food.

Which was tempting, I admit.

It was time to call the number.

My uber driver was happy to do that - and discovered...

They were in a different town.

Three plus hours away different town.

WTF.

Somehow, my search for places in Krakow had given me results in Wroclaw.


So now, I have a choice. 

I can either get on the phone with AirBnB and argue against their draconian refunds policies for an unknown amount of time or say 'fuck it' and go to Wroclaw.

After finding out the taxi driver wanted to charge me about $100 to get there, I decided to take the train.  Second class was $11, first class was $22.

Decided to take first class because nothing else was going right today and I wanted to have at least one nice thing.

Met a nice Polish lady who had been living in the UK for 15 years working for British Airways.  Had a two hour conversation with her.  Also met a nice yoga instructor lady but she got kicked out because she was suppose to be in second class.  Pity.

So now, I am in Wroclaw.


The apartment isn't bad.  Questionable if it is worth $1200 per month or not but it's comfortable and very close to the city center.

More later!

Surgery! (Warning - after surgery pictures)

LOGAN GETS SOME SURGERY

Note - I'm trying to type this while it is fresh in my mind.  That means I am actually a bit dizzy and out of sorts (more on that later) but you will get it 'fresh'.

First of all Sergey & Roksana Panashchuk.  I cannot praise these people highly enough.  They went way the hell out of their way to help me out.  Calling taxis, looking for doctors, coming in to see the doctor, all that stuff.  Loads of work.    And not just for the hospital - pretty much my entire fucking stay in Ukraine.  Wow.

Stick little hearts around their names.  They are amazing people.  Simply amazing.

Without them I'm not sure where I'd be or how I'd be.

I would also like to give a special thank you to Julie J.  She is an actual nurse in the states.  I'll tell you, anything she tells me I pay attention to.  And she is happy to give me some advice to keep me alive.  Shower her with small dragon figurines!  Not the really pointy ones - just place those nearby.



DISCLAIMER!

There is nothing worse than some old fucker telling you about what all is wrong with them.  Getting their surgery and all that shit.  Nobody cares.  So why am I telling people?  Because any time I do, it seems that more people want to know about it.

This could be for several reasons including:

"Die, Logan, die!"
Want to find out what health care is like in other countries.
Enjoy the suffering of Logan
My audience is comprised partially of actual ghouls (Pickman's Model style)

So I am going into detail.  Otherwise, I'd just say "Had my gall bladder pulled out, feeling shaky" and move on.  If that's all the detail you need, I'd just close this entry and wait for the next blog, honestly.

I am always careful about giving this disclaimer as about two to three minutes after someone begins telling me about any sort of medical procedure I had not specifically asked to hear about, I begin rooting for the Grim Reaper.

"Please come kill this boring person!"

EXPLANATION

Sharp eyed readers may notice that some of the worlds are highlighted.  This is to make it easier for people who English is not their first (or fifth, whatever) language to be able to understand some of the more obscure terms I use.



WARNING

This blog contains some pictures which may make the reader projectile vomit onto their computer screen.  Read at your own discretion. 



PREQUEL

For the last couple months, I'd been having some nasty diarrhea.   Long time fans of the blog will know that is about as common as me going to a new country.  However, this was a lot more persistent. 

After a couple months, it was time to go in to see the doctor.



FIRST THE PRICES

Wanted to get these out of the way instead of holding them behind my back like a lame magician.

I forget exactly what the doctor (with all the tests) cost but it was under a hundred.  In fact, all of this stuff I'm going to write about totals out to under $500 USD.  For those from the USA, that amount of money is amazingly low, for those from what I personally consider more civilized countries (those with universal health care - just my opinion) will think that amount is 'crazy high'.

Also, yes, this was after haggling down.   It was about $60 less plus I got meds and tests thrown in for free instead of ala cart.  The actual price for just the surgery was 10,000 UAH for stay and surgery plus 1,000 UAH as a bribe (yes, really, not kidding) to the head of the department.  Because I am familiar with bribery (and have done it quite often for very minor things) I didn't do the 'indignant foreigner' thing.  I just said "So instead of the initial 15,000 UAH, we're down to 11,000 UAH?  Deal."  Always, always, always haggle.  (If you are bad at it or embarrassed to do it, either be rich or have friends with you that can do it.)

I did also try to haggle for a solo room.  Was told they didn't have any.  Got a solo room anyway.  Two beds in it but putting other people with 'the foreigner' doesn't fly with them.



ANALYSIS OF THE PROBLEM

Step one, Sergey and Roksana (after doing a bunch of research) found a close by hospital.  We went in there and they did an ultrasound. 

I asked if my baby was going to be OK.

Turns out no.

There was a 1mm big stone in there.  Until I saw it when they yanked it out, I didn't think that was that big.  Now, I think 'holy crap'.

Sergey distrusted this doctor.  He thought he was along the 'smile but don't help you' as opposed to 'gruff but helps you' type.  They only have those two different types here.  Nobody who is nice can help you, I guess?

Plus, this doctor did NOT want to operate on me.  He wanted me to wait till I got to the UK.  Operating on foreigners here - risky.  He was not up for it.


A couple days later, the pain and shitting had increased.  According to the internet 'chronic diarrhea' is crapping three times a day.  So I have triple chronic or some shit.


So Sergey and Roksana went back to researching even calling the landlord of the place I am renting.  When I asked "Oh god, why?" it is because he has contacts.  Old people have more contacts.  Apparently he (might) know someone at the State Hospital.  They operate on foreigners there.

Disclaimer:  I'm not sure if I was the first or if a foreigner had ever been operated on there.  Nobody mentioned it and usually people love to tell me about things like that. 

The hospital is actually older than Logan so in another forty years, it will be (according to American standards) an antique. 

Reminds me a bit of a school I went to in the 70's.

If the one working elevator breaks, you are fucked.

Grab a rack!  Note that an hour afterward, I got moved to a different room.

No, this is not for 'fun time'.  These beds do not go up or down - or even really move.  So if you want to pull your ass up into a sitting position, here's yer rope!

WHAT TO BRING TO THE HOSPITAL

Fucking everything.  The only thing you should really expect the hospital to supply is 'some of the stuff they will use for the surgery and that's about it'.  Towels?  Soap?  Toilet paper after you've been given a mixture guaranteed to make you shit out literally everything inside of you?  NO.  (Though in my case the surgeon was actually super nice and went and got me some.)

Where are you suppose to get all of this shit?

Unlike in many people in the USA where people have moved well the hell away from their family or are unmarried and such, the family unit in Eastern Europe is a huge deal.  The family is expected to bring all this stuff.  In some hospitals they may even have to feed their relatives.  When this happened to me back in Republic of Georgia, one of the nurses was kind enough to take some of my money out to get some horrible food for me at the market.

Gruel.  No, I have no idea what was in it.  Yes, of course I ate it.

Note that if you have special dietary concerns, you will have to pretty much bring all your own food.  You may even be considered 'weird', 'picky' or 'extra delicate' if you are a vegan, vegetarian, etc.  You can try to get around this in some countries by claiming a religious insanity.  But in the hospital, honestly I'm not sure.  BYOF.





THE PEOPLE (STAFF, DOCTORS, ETC)

Except for one lady (just one) everyone else there was super nice to me.  Being a foreigner when you are well away from anything 'touristy' is big clout. 

Rather than trying to take advantage of it (yes, locals haggle as well) I try to pay for their kindness by making them laugh and trying to entertain them just a little bit.  Their jobs are hard, icky and pay for shit here.  So I try to give them at least a smile for the day.


WHO SPOKE ENGLISH?

Well, after Sergey & Roksana had to leave (these guys work hard for their money and put a lot of hours into it) it suddenly turned out that the surgeon's English was 'just fine'. 

This is part of an infuriating problem I've seen in loads of countries.  Unless someone speaks 'perfect' English (or thinks they do) they are super reluctant to speak any.  Hell, I know 20-30 works of Russian and I use those daily.  And I am often told I mispronounce some of them. 

Once you slaughter their language enough, I find that either the people begin to feel they're not going to be made fools of for some piffling grammatical error or they want revenge for what you did to their language.  Either way, with about half of the people you can eventually get them to work with you.



GOOGLE TRANSLATE

But google translate really kicked ass.

Tips for using Google translate in the real world:

     Short statements only.  For some reason, the longer your statement is (even if comprised of different sentences) the more crazy the translation gets.  No idea why this is.

     Simple statements only.  Try to say it in such a way that it cannot be misunderstood.

     No catch phrases or sarcasm.  Blunt and direct only.


And other patients got press ganged into translating.  I tried to make up for it by later going into their room, chatting with them.  It ended up being a whole bunch of staff in there as I was telling a funny story.  Not nearly as cool as the scene from the movie 'What About Bob' but Bill Murray I am not.



THE REAL COST

I'm sure a lot of people out there would say "I would never want to get X surgery outside of the USA!"

How much money is just the surgery worth to you?
How much to be able to understand doctors and nurses with more accuracy?
How much for a very nice looking hospital room?

Is it worth tens of thousands of dollars?  Bankruptcy? 

To some people, perhaps.  To me, that's 'crazy talk'.  I try to stick with what I can actually afford.


AND NOW, THE PICTURES

I buried them down here so that nobody would accidentally see them.  You really have to want to see this stuff if you're scrolling down this far.

They don't have 'straws' at this hospital.  They found a way around it.

I felt a bit sorry for the nurse that had to shave my belly.  It was hairy - and vast.

After I checked in and paid (gots to pay first!), the surgeon went out and bought this.  "What is that?" Logan asked.  "Everything needed for your surgery." he said and left it in my room.  Wow.

So I'm just laying there in the bed and all the sudden four nurses come charging in with some sort of 1940's type of machine with sucker cups on it.  I have NO idea what is going on.  They stick them to me.  I convince them to take a photo of me.  They do.  Then, they take all the stuff and leave.  I'm sure the machine did something useful - I just don't know what.  Or care.  The photo is enough.

Of all the weird painful shit that happened, this was the one that initially scared me the most.  I've been told (by the wise Sergey) that basically this translates into a request for them to do surgery on me.  CYOA.

A couple of the wonderful staff that work there.  The taller one began pulling out what looked like hand made boxes which I immediately took pictures of.  Turns out she was trying to sell these.  Because men do not typically use/need/want/understand such things, I totally missed that, said "Lovely - I will take some pictures of them." and did so.  Here they are:

I think this may be a rather clever sewing box.  If I had a TARDIS and infinite cash, I might have lots of weird stuff in there.



AND NOW, THE GROSS SHIT

They had me walk into the operating room wearing only a T-shirt.  No underwear.  Bit awkward but I remembered the wise words of many nurses before "You have nothing we've not seen hundreds of times."  Which is true.  The above is a great example why when they tell you that you should keep your shirt on you should say "Fuck that!"  Funny fact - this is my Miskatonic University shirt - so now it has just a bit more horror.

Most painful memory within this hospital - I was actually fighting against the nurses when I first came out of the operating room.  Not really a conscious decision - I was just in blinding pain.  I was trying to lie on my side hoping it would decrease it.  All of them managed to hold me down.  Bad times.  Was that the most physical pain I'd ever been in?  Not sure - top ten for sure.

And now, the slow ramp up of 'stuff Logan found had been done to him while he was unconscious'.

I don't know (or particularly care) what all these tubes were for.

Finding this big ass thing, partially filled with blood is now hanging off you - not good.

And bigger!

And THIS was what it was all about.  Photographed next to an aspirin.  I really thought it would be the shape and size of a rattlesnake's tail.  Especially given what it felt like.  Is this the whole thing or just the stone?  I have no idea.

HOW DID I LEAVE THE HOSPITAL?

Honestly, I pretty much just walked out.  The doctor had told me the day before that the next day I'd be checking out.  And then he disappeared.  

No information on how to not catch an infection, what to do with my bandages, etc.

After being told I'd be discharged 'in the morning' and waiting till close to four PM, I asked the nurses if I needed any anti-biotics (etc) - they said no, I left.  No paperwork, etc.  Totally different than most hospitals.

They did ask if I was going to take the unused needles and chemicals.  The ones that I had no idea what they were for, how to use them, etc.  No.  I'll do a follow up visit here in five days then maybe another follow up when I get to the UK.

AND THE KICKER

On my way out, I ran into (not literally) an ancient guy who was there getting something else out.  He showed it to me.  It was way cooler and scarier looking than whatever the hell they pulled out of me.  I have no idea why this hospital sends people home with shit that came out of them but they do!

AND AFTER I GOT HOME

More fuckery.   (Yes, my friends this is a real word!) 

I felt like I was going to pass out.  Nearly shit myself.  Slammed my fingers in a door on accident.  Had gone in the hard rain to the store a three blocks away.  Told a guy I needed plastic wrap.  He pointed out paper wrap that looked just like fucking plastic wrap.

пластик plastik - Russian
пластик plastyk - Ukrainian

Note - it sounds the same.  Hence, I now think the guy I asked - who works there - may be a bit dim.  Ah well. 

Since I was given no information about what to do with my bandaged wounds and apparently buying plastic wrap to cover them is not possible (who the fuck uses paper to cover their food?) I chopped up a shopping bag and used some tape I'd liberated (took) from the hospital.  The tape was part of my 'bag of shit' so all good.



IN CONCLUSION

Yes, it was a bit of suffering.  Yes, it did feel a bit like 'Doctor Nick' as Joseph O. pointed out on Facebook.  But I could afford it.  And I'm happy to have survived.

LOGAN VISITS THE DOCTOR

RANDOM SHIT IN UKRAINE


Went with my buddies in Ukraine to buy a cheap chair today.

The chairs that came with the place I am renting - not comfortable.  The mind can only absorb what the ass can endure or some such.  My ass was unhappy.

So we went to the mall.

It's a nice two story deal that has customers unlike in the USA where they are mostly dead due to Amazon.

Anyway,

The people in Ukraine are not that 'expressive' to people they don't know.  I suspect this is because of the 'bad ole days' (USSR) when if you looked happy it meant you had gotten a new refrigerator from the KGB for informing on your former neighbor or some such.

So when people working in stores see me 'being Logan' they either stare like 'I think he may actually be crazy' or try to keep from cracking up and try to hide it.

But I've studied Paul Ekman so I know.

The poor ladies at the furniture store. 

But, my clowning around often has a positive effect.  People admitting they speak some (or even good) English.

Being able to not take myself at all seriously helps others to open up, just a bit.

Another interesting thing - taxis here show the same attitudes people had toward seat belts in the 1970's (to the best of my recollection).  When I start putting them on, they often say (in Ukrainian or Russian) things like "You don't need that" and "Why are you putting that on" or "What are you doing?  Don't do that!" to which I respond (in English because I'm not that slick) "Hey, I've seen how they drive here.  I'm going to go for that 'double chance to live' thanks."

Turned out our taxi driver spoke a bit of German today.  That was a nice surprise so we did a bit of chatting.



UKRAINE UPDATE (posted to Logan's Voyage Facebook page 3 JUL 18)

I've fallen into a daily rhythm living in this small town in Ukraine.

Every day, I wake up (a needed step), putter around for a bit on the computer then go out for my walk and to get some food.   Get stared at by unsmiling locals who think I may be mad.  In many of the countries once ruled by Russia, smiling is not done outside of friends and family.  Also, the locals might be right.  I've found that (like with many countries) the locals may just be a bit freaked out because they don't get many tourists here.  When you start talking to them they are fine.  So don't take the looks you get while wandering around personally - just chalk it up to culture.  Remember - Russia had to try to teach it's people to smile at others (and not beat up too many gays) for the big month long football thing they had.  Cultural difference.

Come back, shower up, write.  Eventually, dinner comes from an excellent service, MisterAM (https://misteram.com.ua/chernigov)  Which is great because they can bring food from loads of different restaurants.

How do I feel about Ukrainian food?  If you were to put all of the food from all of the countries in a line with one side being great and the other Moldovia, Ukraine food would be somewhere in the middle.  I am not a fan but it keeps my belly full.

Eventually, give up writing and switch to drinking and watching movies or youtube until I go to sleep.  Maybe play some video games.

Once a week I meet up with my good friends - a married couple who live in this town.  We go to the mall so they can buy needed food and I can buy junk food.  I don't cook or want to.

That's about it. 

In a bit less than a month, I will be back in England running the table top RPG which is made into a podcast (https://anchor.fm/ataw for those interested) as well as on youtube (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC2TZucbqPpz9Bx8rz57Wbmg/playlists) 

After three months of that, I will find somewhere to go hang out for the winter time.  It will either be in economically fucked Greece or perhaps the south of France.  I'm done with northern Africa and don't want to return to Asia yet again for a long while.

That's my update!



YET MORE RANDOM (LITERAL) SHIT IN UKRAINE

This is the headline hospital story.  For some reason (bastards) I can't understand, tales of Logan's pain and suffering top the charts.  Otherwise, I wouldn't bother telling people about my various physical ailments.  It's something old people love to do  - they don't have much else going on - but nobody cares.

Except apparently people reading this blog.  Watching Logan suffer is like a public execution.  Good clean fun for the whole family.

Warning!


This post deals with horribly disgusting stuff.  If you are offended by such things - well, it's a minor miracle you read this blog at all for starters. 


But this is pretty gross. 


Turn away now.


Still with me?


Right - you've been warned off but yet you are still here.


For the last two or three weeks, my belly has been making increasing loud noises.  Painful gas and my shit has been the combination of a soft serve ice cream server with a high pressure air hose.

That mental imagery is now stuck in you mind.  The next time you have anything remotely resembling that sort of bowel movement, you will think of the ice cream being blasted by an air hose.

It's a thing of beauty and horror.  But mostly horror.  Well, not much in the way of beauty. 

Let's start with a good quote:

Movie:  Formula 51 quote from Shirley DeSouza: "Well, shit in a bag and punch it!"

That's where this story starts out.

Logan attempting to shit into a bag.

I've got some very good Ukrainian friends here - Sergey and Roksana.  They help me out a lot when I come to Ukraine.  This time in particular.  They were the ones that helped me find a place to stay - even did the equivalent of co-signing for me since the landlords were freaked out to have some short stay non-Ukrainian speaking foreigner rent their house.

Way beyond the call of duty.  Amazing people.

So Roksana had gone out and bought me a 'collect your own shit and put it into this small tube' thing from the pharmacy.  I expressed surprise, then concern when I saw it. 

Then the poor lady had to explain to me that 'in Ukraine, this is how it is done' then go into some particulars.

I don't remember how I had to turn in shit in the USA but I remember it all took place at the facility and was not a big deal.  And I was absolutely not scraping my shit into a small cheap sample jar with a plastic knife left over from one of the take outs.

Not a great morning.

And the sample jar did not have a lot to show for it, thus proving my body works against me any chance it can get.  This is why I like punishing it with alcohol and an occasional Q-Tip into the brain.

At the facility I also gave blood.

There was a ton of work for a small sample, but as soon as I left the facility, I found myself rushing to a bathroom in the mall where suddenly UGGG.  Complete with all those sound effects. 

Then again on the way home he tried for another performance but I managed to get the 4.5KM home (I walked from the testing facility for some odd reason) before a repeat performance.

Thanks body.

After that was spent lying in bed aside from typing out this. 

More will happen tomorrow and I'll write about it then.  Some of the blood tests will be done (we hope) before I see the doctor tomorrow so we'll see what happens.

Total cost for two blood tests and one feces test:  About $40/36EUR/31GBP/56AUD.

(It's fun to think that with the exception of AUD I use all of those currencies regularly.  I do hope to visit Oz some day.)

The next day...

You guys are lucky to be able to read it like this.  I had to wait around to the next day to actually come.

Anyway.

Sergey and Rox showed up, we went to a pretty typical Eastern European hospital.  Lots of different corridors with offices built in the most depressing style possible.  While the west calls it 'brutalist architecture', Sergey tells me that here it is called 'Social Realism'.  Funny and depressing.

Paid some money, got an MRI.  I asked the lady if my baby would be OK or not.

Not sure how much Sergey translated.   It is probably best that he does not translate all of the random crap I say.

Anyway, they found a 1mm gall stone.

It's bad but how bad?  The doctor was saying 50/50 a lot when we consulted with him later and prescribed a couple very expensive medicines I should take. 

I asked how much he thought the surgery would be and he estimated around $220 - but I couldn't get it here because I would be flying back to the UK soon.    Plus, there is a fear of doing the surgery here because having a foreigner die on your operating table seems to freak them out.  So I'm stuck.  If they had said "Give us a couple hundred dollars and hop up on this table" I'd have said "Let's do this."  But no.  The changes in air pressure and fear of operating on foreigners - they advised I 'wait and see'.

So I may have to have a surgery in the UK.  If they'll do it.   I'll go consult with a doctor to see what is happening.

But according to Sergey - who was doing the translating and talked to me afterward - the doctor seemed to flip flop a lot in what he was suggesting.  Sergey suggested he might be a shit doctor and advised me to get it checked out in the UK.

So it's looking like I will have to do that.  Google says there is a UK hospital 3KM from where I live so I'll walk my fat ass over there and see how it would work to get treated there.  Does this thing really need to come out?  Will it solve itself?

There are some absolutely horrifying signs I can watch for to see - I am told - that bad things are now happening. 

Itchy skin.
My eyes turn yellow.
My skin turns yellow and I become Homer Simpson.  D'oh.

That is terrifying.  Especially if I start acting like Homer.

The doctor of course said "You will have to change your eating habits..."

I smiled and whispered "I don't think that will happen."

Doctor:  "And you should lose a lot of weight."

Logan:  "It is obvious I lack the willpower to do that."

Doctor:  (Said some other stuff).

Logan:  (Pondering to himself:  I wonder if alcohol will affect this?  Hum.)

Poor Sergey was distraught with my cavalier attitude toward possible impending death.

"I've had a remarkable run." I told him.  This did not reassure him for some reason.

So we'll see what happens. 


Total cost:

Consulting with a doctor
Having an ultrasound
Getting double the dosage of some freaky expensive medicine

Total:  About $100.

SUPERFLUOUS THAILAND VISITATION

SUPERFLUOUS

Yeah.  Got to use that shit in a title.  And it meant what I wanted.  Suck it, Pulitzer prize committee.



SE ASIA 'CLOCK'
These are Logan's observations.  While I have had some other travelers agree with them (or at least think they were humorous) you may have your own ideas on these.  Good.  Here are mine:


Sunrise minus 2 till sunrise: The only people up at this time are generally tourists dumb enough to think that something is more special at sunrise. Or want to be able to brag to people they saw x at sunrise.

Sunrise till ten: If you enjoy seeing closed shops, this is the time to wander around. Most shit you want to see and do is closed.

Ten till sundown: Some stuff open, a lot of people on siesta. They don't call it that here but avoiding the big angry orb in the sky is smart.

Sundown till sundown plus three: This is the time to go and see and do everything. Hell, a lot of stuff doesn't open till this time.

Ten till midnight: Sensible drinking at nice places.

Midnight till four: Poor choices, increased chance of bad shit.

Four till sunrise: Only the truly desperate are out and about.



PHARMACY ADVENTURES

In Thailand, they have either tuk tuks (see 'pro tip' below!) or 'meter taxi'.  As I've probably said in the past, both are often  (usually?) staffed by insistent beggars and rip off artists.  Especially the ones parked around tourist areas.  After being told they wanted to charge me five to ten times what the journey should cost and hell no they won't use the meter I decided to instead catch the water taxi to the hospital.  It is on the opposite side of the river near Khao San Road.

For those not in the know, Khao San Road ("Co like 'cope'" and sometimes spelled Khaosan Road because 'reasons') is the fluffy bunny tourist area.  If you aren't here for whoring or getting your perverted fix, this is the place.  Family friendly and all.

Since this is the tourist spot, the prices are a lot higher than other places.  I asked where to get medicine (as it is restocking time) and was told to go to the hospital - they have many pharmacies near there.

I chatted with various Thais when I made it across the river taxi (step lively or die horribly) and was directed to one.

A fellow customer told me I was very lucky to be at this particular pharmacy as it is the cheapest one in Bangkok.  I told her I was freakishly lucky.  Four different medicines for a year, about $100 to $125.  They were only missing one.  Since I will eventually be back to Bangkok (possibly to meet a friend as well as catch my eventual plane back to Jolly Ole England) I may end up swinging back by there to get the missing medicine if I can't find it in Cambodia.

Buying in bulk raised some eyebrows.  I was asked if I would be taking it back to my home country, maybe reselling it, etc.  Note that they were still going to sell it to me - they were either just curious or were looking to get cut in on the deal.  After assuring them it was all for me for the next year and that I had no home they gave up on that line of questioning.

So I got most of the medicine I need.  Hopefully, I can get the rest at some point soon and not have to worry about it for another year.

What is shocking is that the meds cost less on the open market here than I'd have to pay with the VA (Veteran's Affairs) office footing most of the bill in the USA.  Folks get mighty ripped off there for some rich people's stock prices.

Cambodia note on pharmacies:  The ones in Cambodia seem a bit grittier and it is a fucking epic quest to find something.  Seriously, you may end up wandering to eight different shops to find one thing you need.  While this isn't bad if you are a fat fuck and need to either eat less or burn more calories and fucked if you're eating any less sooooooo....



PRO TIP

I've come across this when dealing with people who have never been in SE Asia.  "Tuk tuk" is pronounced 'took took' - like "I took your pudding."  No idea why it is spelled the way it is.

No idea why it is said this way but book readers sound like idiots when they mispronounce it.  Because drivers are constantly trying to get you into one by stating what it is, anyone spending more than an hour here has heard the correct way of saying it at least a dozen times.  And probably has developed some rage.



WHAT AM I DOING IN BANGKOK?

Heroic Cthulhu.

Recorded in London, England and put up on youtube.  Both audio only and audio with visual formats.

These are TTRPG's which have been recorded and people seem to enjoy watching or listening to.

Currently, I am working on the second season.



WHEN SUDDENLY

Through the magic of staggering out when I write this thing, I am suddenly now back in Siem Reap Cambodia because well, fuck Bangkok.  I've really been there too much.  For like $8 a night I was staying in a pretty miserable room with a fan.  For $13 a night I now have AC and a mini fridge and the room looks really nice. 

And beer is cheaper than water (at restaurants/bars).  Seriously.

The current price for beer is fifty cents.  If you buy a water at a store it is maybe thirty cents (Cambodia uses the US dollar as it's currency - yes, really) but at restaurants it is generally seventy five cents to a dollar.  It's nice to see that the price of beer (and rooms) haven't increased in the last seven years here.  I know I've not been making more money.

Siem Reap seems to me to be a bit more squalid and trashy than it was.  Not sure why that is.  I don't mind squalid and trashy - it's generally cheaper to live in places like that.  Wondering what is causing it here though.  Due to various physical ailments nobody else gives a fuck about (take a lesson old people) my walking has been cut down to about a third of what it was.   Plus breaking my foot twice.  By stepping on it.  Too fat for my own feet.  (Note - if you make a joke about the physical ailment, you might be able to get away with mentioning it but it had better be a fucking short joke you rambling old bastards!)

Now I'm staying at my favorite restaurant, 'Viva!' in Pub Street within the heart (there's not much else) of Siem Reap.  I'd often seen signs advertising the place for $20 per night and figured I'd treat myself for a night while I looked for  something more affordable.  Haggling got the price down.  If you can't haggle, learn to be rich instead!

The manager of Viva! even gave me a card for 15% off of the food (in perpetuity) since I'd been a customer here for years.   Though grateful, I was thinking "It is NOT easy to get one of these fucking cards!" 



RAINY SEASON VS DRY SEASON

A lot of people hear 'rainy season' and say 'eek' because they think they're made of sugar.  While I don't recommend wandering around in SE Asia's rain (you'll probably get sick - a lot of things here can make you sick) it normally does not rain all day.  It normally rains for an hour or two then it's done.  And the temperature is much cooler.  Of course you then have to deal with tons of standing water (they are not good at making roads or sidewalks or gutters here) and 'squirt stones'.  Long time readers of the blog will remember those are the loose pieces of sidewalk that get water trapped under them.  You step on them with one foot and dirty water squirts onto your other shoe, leg, friend, etc.  That's what I call them anyway and they are fairly prevalent.

Right now (NOV) it is on the cusp of the two seasons - the only two they have.   The rainy season is ending and the dry season beginning.  Neat.

It's great that I've managed to procure lodging now and will be paying in advance because the great 'wander around' time for the ordinary person (New Years) approaches.  They don't really do much for Christmas out here other than a few expats and it's not a holiday I care about.  Actually, none of them are (you people need an excuse to drink?  What's that all about?) except where it impacts travel.   New Years is a huge one.  Get your lodging early, pay in advance.  Don't go anywhere.  Hunker down.  Buy some provisions (alcohol, water, snacks) in advance so you don't have to worry about it.

Ensure your place is rented out for these holidays - preferably in advance - or you'll end up paying a premium for the week before and after.  Unless that country celebrates Christmas - then a week before Christmas till a week after New Years is premium time.  Plus, all of the transport will be crowded or possibly even sold out.

The next time I will need to travel won't be until February.  At that point I will head back to Bangkok, go to the airport then fly back to England.  And hang out there making Heroic Cthulhu season 2.



THAI TRANSLATION

'Sausage' = shitty hot dog.  Think one of the cheap ones in the bargain bin that rednecks turn up their noses at.

'Ham' = think about a piece of Oscar Mayer bologna, inexpertly heated up (ie part hot and part cold - somehow rather than just being lukewarm).

'Egg' =  the 'eggy' taste will be double or triple what you are probably use to.  Plan accordingly.

PRICES

(As of OCT/NOV 2017!)

Water taxi, 15 baht.  Note - make sure the boat is pointed in the direction you want to go.  They do NOT turn around.  (At least not where I was.)

Decent place to stay, nothing fancy but great internet, 300 baht.  (That's less than a cheap meal at a lower class English pub.  Really.)  Note that the internet in Viva (Cambodia) seems better.  Weird.

Beer - half a dollar.  Contrast with Thailand's three to four dollars for a beer and wonder why anyone fucking goes there to drink.

Within shops, you can get loads of different alcohols for around ten to twelve dollars per bottle.  [They do have wine here but there is way too much to know about wines to mess with them for nice wine.  I've not yet started mixing red and coke yet though that may happen in the future.  Or not - I have enough of that in England to keep me happy.  Also, they don't have any (that I've spotted) truly cheap (four or five dollars a bottle) wine here though I've not really been looking.  Most seems to be around twelve to fourteen dollars at a glance.]

Tuk Tuk (Cambodia) - for short rides if you're giving them over two dollars, you're horrible at this.  Seriously.

BACK IN SE ASIA

BACK IN SE ASIA

I arrived back in Thailand today and it is amazing how fast the old protocols were invoked.  I'm not sure when I was last in SE Asia but it doesn't seem like long ago.

After landing, I was out of sorts and needing a lie down.  Eleven hours or longer of sitting in a small seat is not a huge amount of fun.

The heat was like a crocodile attack.  Sudden and unexpected.  (Should have I expected it?  Yes.  The rational part of me did but...wow.)

Turns out that while I was gone, the old King of Thailand died.  Today was the end of the one year long death rites the country held for him.  I gave my condolences to a police inspector I met and he seemed pleased.

Since some members of the royal family were to drive by, all of the locals (and me) had to sit along the sides of the road.  Better than trying for everyone bowing.  Yeah, I got to have a cop help me to leverage my bulk up after it was over.  

Because they were having this big celebration, the normal bus that goes all the way to Kao San Road (main tourist place in Bangkok to stay) only went part way.  From there it was walking time.  About a kilometer and a half with all my shit.  During the noon day heat.  Yea.

Heatstroke has been suffered in the past so when it is approaching, I know the feelings and signs.  Did a few stops at 7-11's (best shop in Thailand) to re-hydrate.

Began to play the 'how much is this place' game.  It's a lot easier with a rolling suitcase though I miss the backpack a bit.

Eventually, found a place for 250 baht ($7.50) per night, shared bathroom and not a great place.  Staying here currently.  After getting the room, I took a cold shower in the communal bathroom then passed out for a few hours.

Midday naps are back.  

After I woke up, I wandered around playing the 'can I do better' game and picked up a liter and a half of water.  Eventually, found a place for $4 more per night that is loads less depressing and noisy.  We'll see how it sleeps.  Until I've stayed a night or two at a place, there is no final rating.

Although I didn't feel hungry, I went and found some vegetarian food to eat (spring rolls) and had a pineapple shake.  Total price, 150 b/$4.50 USD.

The protocols:

If you don't prepare (and give plenty of time for your body to adjust) for a big weather change, you will suffer.  Hydrating helps.

For 'adventure visiting' (no plans, just show up), find a place that will sleep 'for a night'.  A lot of BS can be put up with for one night.  Drop bags there, then go find a better place.   Remember that the only places that have much of an internet presence (at current) are the expensive ones.  The difference between the expensive and cheap places to stay is often 'the person running it knows how to advertise on the internet'.  And a bunch of money per night.

If you don't have a large bottle of water (make sure it is sealed when you buy it or suffer later) in your room, you will suffer.  Use this both to drink and brush your teeth.  Most people don't have horrible shit (literal) happen to them for using tap water.  Perhaps you won't either.  How many days of your carefully horded vacation time would you like to wager against saving thirty cents?  If you use the entire bottle to brush your teeth with.  (Hint:  You've done the hand motions for getting water out of the tap so many times it has become muscle memory.  Drop a cloth over the tap, balance the cap for the water on the tap or something to disrupt this process.)  [For those staying at really posh places, they may think the 'poshness' of their taps means the pipes the water comes from are also new and posh.  Again, would you like to bet on it?]

Go vegetarian for your first night in a place or eat something 'simple'.  Hopefully not American fast food.  Try to rise above that.

Don't forget to get a 'stupid card' from where you are staying.  This is what I call the business card of the hotel.  If you just want to remember the name, great but keep in mind that they don't have a lot of copyright laws here so if 'The Walden' is doing good, several other people may decide to name their place the Walden as well.  Yes, really.  Also, most people in the world seem to be absolute rubbish at making and reading maps.  Keep that in mind when you are looking at the handy map on the business card and wanting someone else to look at it as well.

More later!

WITH THANKS TO SHERLOCK "PETE" HOLMES

BITS AND BOBS

Still have conjunctivitis though the medicine is helping.  It might (might?) be on the downhill side.  [For those too lazy to google it, it is not contagious - unless you are one of my kids.  If you are or believe yourself to be, seek medical help immediately.  Or psychiatric help.  Probably both.]  I still remember the first time I got it and was literally down for months.  Thought I might go blind.  That would have made 'seeing the world' (or jack shit) problematic.

Living next to a special needs school and night club (not the same building) sucks for the noise.  Zoning laws don't seem to be really known in a lot of countries I live in.  During the daytime, the mentally handicapped scream at each other, at night the drunks scream at each other.  I've noticed quite a similarity.

Tomorrow is the last time I go to pay rent.  I'll pay it for ten days (150 euros) then I have only to tick off the last few days before I get to go visit my buddies in the states.  Looking forward to that.  I'll have to keep a better eye on my purchases.  I still remember being surprised at leaving behind a fairly well stocked fridge in Bulgaria because I hadn't kept good track of the time remaining.

It's been pointed out to me - quite correctly as well - to look at the expiration date on my passport.  It looks like I've got a bit over a year left on it.  Since at about the six month mark they actually become useless (most countries demand you have at least six months left on it) I will need to get a new one.  Due to the amount I travel I will probably try to get one with the extra pages already installed so it will cost twice as much (200 USD).





And now for a quote by Logan about Logan.

"Throughout my life, I've always made it a habit to befriend those younger than me.  That way, I don't have to watch them die from old age.  Of course, they'll have to watch me die but by the time it happens, I imagine for many of them it may be quite a relief."



HOT DAMN, THE HOSPITAL - AGAIN

The fun never ends!

Woke up at six AM - couldn't sleep.  Eyes, burning.  Not literally on fire.

Went and looked in the mirror and it did not look good.  At all.

If you are poor and uninsured, USA is the land of 'Fuck You' for medical stuff so I decided to head back to the local witch doctor.  Just kidding - hospital.

Walked about an hour to get there.  Fortunately, it is a small town because there sure the fuck weren't any taxis around.

Got around having to show any ID because I was still in their system from the last time (yea!).  Paid my eighteen euros to see the doctor.  I was told the eye doctor wasn't around today.  I responded that pretty much any of their doctors had a medical degree and presumably more experience doctoring than I do so I was good with any of them.

After checking in and paying you proceed to 'triage'.  They use the French word here and don't fuck around with silly things like 'patient inflow' or whatever.

At triage you see a nurse (no English) who assigns you your wristband.  The all important wristband.  The color of it determines how long your wait will be.  Red presumably means you are going to die really really soon.  It then goes yellow, green, blue and violet.

Some people will say it is best to be completely honest with the triage nurse but if you're in a hurry, try to spray her with your blood.  It may get you a better wristband color.

Mine was green!

Everything past red and yellow means your ass waits until they have a break in the action then they see you.  Guessing violet means you are too well to be in the hospital.

They have a chart on the wall that shows the waiting time but it lies like Trump.  It claimed an hour and ten minutes.  There were other people who had been there since six AM with a green band.

Fortunately, the hospital was empty of waiting room patients (less than ten) so it was only a three hour and some wait for me.  Better than the six or seven I had last time.  Yeah, you sit on your ass for a long time but for eighteen euros I am happy to wait for a medical professional.

Who...did not speak English.  He spoke five other languages including Russian.  My Russian is not good enough to discuss 'conjunctivitis' and medication and he looked rather alarmed when I began to speak in it.  Either my Russian is just as bad as I thought or his is worse than he let on.  Either way, speaking  a bunch of languages but not the one spoken all over the world - confusing.  He went off to find someone to translate.  He grabbed a nurse.

Him finding a nurse took more time than the actual appointment and that only took one minute.  He didn't bother to examine me - just gave me a prescription for some cream to put in my eyes and told me to keep using the ineffective eye drops I'd been using for the last couple days.

Bummer.

I was hoping for different eye drops.

But now I've got cream shit in my eyes and the world is a bit blurry.  Neat.

Tonight is pack up night, tomorrow is head to the airport time.

The doctor did say he suspected it was 'bad water', ie what comes out of the shower.  I'm hoping he is right.  If so, this should clear up shortly after I arrive at the states and stop using the water here, piped through the old city, to clean myself.



SO WHAT EVER HAPPENED WITH THIS SHIT?

Despite getting some unexpected help from a nurse who my buddy TJ made laugh to hard she about lost it, the eye problems persist.  Until I get out of this wretched country (USA) I can't afford to see a doctor nor buy eye drops.  So I wait and hope not to go blind in the meantime.  The eyes have gotten a tad better but not 100% yet.



IN THE USA

Jump forward in time a couple months because I've not written in a couple months - mainly in respect for the privacy of my fourteen (or more?) host families I'm staying with.

But I've been told by people who live outside of the USA that they are curious about what I see inside the USA.  So all of my observations you are reading in this section are thanks to a guy named Pete.  Yes, Sherlock Holmes Pete.  He is the one who told me to 'get cracking'.

So here are a few things I've noticed.  Keep in mind that the USA is a very big place.  "Your mileage may vary."  is a saying they use here.  For those that no longer think that using 5280 feet to measure a mile is a good idea (for more 'what the fuck' moments, visit this webpage) it might be better to say "Your experiences will vary."



"FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT." - AESOP

A common phrase I've heard in the USA is "If you don't like it, get the fuck out!"

I did.

I'm alternatively bored and offended by many things in the USA itself.  Good reason to get out and stay out.

Why return?

Friends.  If I had no friends in the USA, I would probably never return.  Hence, while reading my 'insights' into the USA, remember that I am a 'hostile witness' and this no doubt colors my perceptions.

Quick disclaimer:  Although I am sure there are other people who have gotten to journey through four states, stay with fourteen different families, go to half a dozen LARP events in a couple different system - I've never heard of it.  I am honored to be making such a journey.  Again.

The USA is a pretty dangerous country for me to travel in.  If I need medical attention, I may or may not get any.  I may or may not be able to afford it.  It may or may not be docked from my below poverty line income.  Fuck that.

To summarize, if you were wanting to host Logan (see Logan's Home Invasion 1 and 2 on Facebook), you'd better catch him when he comes through because it won't be fucking often.



RACISM

In other countries I have visited, racism is usually one extreme or another.  For example, when I was in Morocco, they had a LOT of immigrants from Sierra Leone.  These guys have super dark skin, hence are easy to differentiate from the usual cross section of Moroccans.  I asked the Moroccans about them and was told "They seem nice and are hard workers."

That is on one end.

The other end is 'It's genocide time!'

In the USA, it's usually more in the middle.  Although there are a ton of stupid racists

Look for this emblem for quick identification of 'stupid racists'...

in America, the racism that isn't 'newsworthy' is a lot more subtle.  "Blacks are fine - I just don't want to live next door to any because it brings down property values." would be an example.

Neat.

So let's call it often 'passive-aggressive racism' for the most part.

Another disclaimer:  I don't have friends who are racist.  They tend to unfriend my ass pretty quick or we never get around to friending in the first place.  The people I've gotten to stay at the homes of are thoughtful, kind and generous.  Which is super cool and gives hope for America.  Well, it would if they weren't so fucking outnumbered.



UNINCORPORATED AREAS

These are the areas outside of or surrounding a town.  They are not 'incorporated' into a town, hence 'unincorporated'.  There are several reasons someone may choose to live outside of town.  Some examples:

1.  They want to raise a big garden either because they are wanting to eat more healthy food or because they are poor.
2.  They want to raise non pet type animals either because they want to eat healthy, are poor or want a cheap sex doll.
3.  They really hate other races and want to hang out with white people.  Ethnic races (in the USA this means 'non-white' because...I'm not sure why) generally stick to inside of towns.   Also, should the people outside of town want to have a 'purge night' - wait - sorry - I've been watching too much Rick and Morty.

Or, bigger homes, cheaper homes, more land or cheaper land.



FOOT TRAVEL WITHIN THE USA

It's a fucking nightmare.  Where as I could walk across a town of 50,000 people within an hour (Faro, Portugal) just getting into town in Galesburg, IL (population 30,000) and to a decent restaurant and back about three hours.

Not great for walking about.  Sometimes no sidewalks.  In the USA, everyone is assumed to have their own car.  If you don't have a car you are assumed to be a poor, stupid loser and the USA hates the poor a lot.  If someone is talking about what good public transportation a city has it is because it is an exception.



More thoughts later if and when I come up with some!

GEARING UP FOR UKRAINE

[Disclaimer:  Some of this has appeared previously on my Facebook.  Some has not.]


THE EXPECTED RANT

Eastern Europe.

SE Asia is nice but it seems like I've been here for quite a while and would like to bugger off for a bit.

I'm thinking of living near Kiev for three months in a rental property. Since Russia grabbed Crimea like a fat kid grabs candy (or Logan alcohol) their currency has crashed hard.

A furnished apartment with all utilities is under $200 per month. Maybe under $150 per month. For a nice place. With fucking wifi. It better have fucking wifi. I've been assured there will be wifi. Deep breaths.

The problem is 'after'. Fortunately, there are several countries which are only a few hours from Ukraine. Many even touch it.

Starting to think 'hey, I might be able to explore E Europe again'.

My goal in living for three months (in Logan's terms, that's a long long time) in one place is to save money so I can eventually get a new laptop (GTA5, etc), visit the USA and save the world.

The problem - it's going to be almost as much to fly to Kiev as the USA. Believe it or not. Apparently, a lot of (horny) people from the USA - wait - did I say horny? I meant 'hungry for culture'. Anyway, a lot of people fly from the USA to KL/Bangkok, hence the airline fares are much cheaper than (where the hell is) Ukraine.

Downside about Ukraine? Russian and Ukrainian languages. Really a bummer. I can get by (basic stuff) in like fifteen languages but no Slovak ones. At all.

So that will be a bit of a burden.

We'll see what happens.

Another fun fact, the only place that I have found (thus far, still looking) that sells 'reasonably priced' (under $600) tickets seems a bit on the dodgy side of 'a layover in one of the 'Stan' countries. Yeah. So that will be just loads of fun. Heavy research needed as it seems that no matter where I fly, the cost is about the same for some reason.



SUPER FUN RESEARCH

Research.  To some people, it is a way of 'dream building' their vacation.   They love nothing better than taking a few hours, days or weeks to find just the right hotel.  Figuring out the schedule.  To some people, it is a way of going on vacation without ever leaving their cubical.

Did this for years with co-workers and bosses I'd have gladly lit on fire.  Hated it.

For Logan, it is just a huge pain in the ass.

Either way, it is an integral part of travel.   As a philosophic traveler once told me, "A traveler without information is a bird without wings."

If you have a lot of money and don't mind spending it, you don't need to do as much research.  If you have even more money, fuck it - hire someone to do your research for you.  And guides.  And porters.  And people you can hurl whiskey bottles at when you're feeling low.

That's right - drink first, then throw!

Since I'm poor (and know absolutely no 'wealthy' people) I do my own research.  Like most people who read this.  Hopefully, you'll have more fun with it.

Because research is vital and you will be doing it should you ever decide to travel, I am putting down my research notes for your perusal.  They can be skipped if you really don't want to read about the work that goes into travel but if you've read this far you'll probably give them a light scan.  Unlike my brain, I will try to keep these notes on topic.  When talking about birds above, a couple minutes went away to fantasizing about eating turkeys.  No turkeys in SE Asia.  It's very sad.

Disclaimer:  There are actually turkeys here according to the internet but I've never come across them on a menu so as far as I'm concerned - no turkeys.  No gravy, cranberries, decent mashed potatoes (you'd think this isn't that hard to make, you'd be wrong), stuffing, etc.  Gosh I miss that.

All of this is being prompted because my long (free!) visa in Malaysia is coming to the end of it's 90 days.  I've explored a bit of the Island of Borneo and haven't been that impressed.  The people are friendly, you don't see a lot of tourists but there isn't anything you can't see on the mainland here that I've come across.  Sure, there are loads of 'wilderness sanctuaries'.  If I was thirty years younger and didn't rely on wifi for my very soul I might be more interested.  Well, that's a lie.  I've never given that much of a shit about being eaten by mosquitoes.

If there is even a small hole in the mosquito netting, you might as well have this for all the good it will do you.  Either way, sleeping under netting sucks so much...  (For those who don't know why, it is damned hot - no air movement.)

I've got a couple friends who are a husband/wife reporter team I've known for a few years.  They live in Ukraine.  I'm fortunate enough to get occasional correspondence (via Facebook, long may it reign) from Sergey.  He told me (and I quote) "one one-room apartment rent 80 USD with WI-fi and utilities, tasty and big pizza delivery 4 USD, 40 minutes of massage performed by a doctor 3 USD, beer in Restaurant 0.8 USD".

I thought "Isn't that interesting?"

"On my way!"

[As an interesting side note, to get this picture I actually googled 'Logan Horsford happy'.  Odd because being on a camel is not a happy time for anyone with testicles.  Also, I don't take nearly so many selfies as much of the world seems to.  I count that as a win.]

After messing about in SE Asia for another month I was bored of it.  The only three countries I kind of like are Cambodia (Mexican food), Thailand (good value for money) and Malaysia (most modern of the three).  The rest, not so much.

Sick of SE Asia.

This is what you get when you google 'sick of SE Asia'.  Funny.

The town Sergey lives in is near Kiev and Chernobyl - as in 'whoops reactor go boom' back in the old days of communism.  Sadly, just like all those plastic bags that last forever in landfills, that whole radiation thing is still with us.

But the area he is talking about is well out of the Fallout zone.

Some people actually know why he is doing the thumbs up and looking only through one eye.  Count yourselves as clever and educated if you do.  If not, just believe he is a happy fellow!

Let's be honest though - for those prices I might risk being a whole lot closer to the radiation zone.

And being in Ukraine does put Eastern Europe pretty damned close to me.  Closer than many trips I've taken to play NERO.

Problem 1:  Getting to Kiev.

The plane schedule from where I am (Miri, Malaysia) to get to the big hub (Kuala Lumpur AKA KL) looks like this:

10:00 - 12:15
14:20 - 16:30
18:55 - 21:05

The flight from KL to Kiev looks like this:

10:55 - 20:45

You know what that means?

That means I am fucked.

Imagine being the person who actually took this picture saying to their friends "Guess what I saw today?"

Yep.  It will be a long assed night wandering the terminal, smoking and sitting around with all of my shit.  Oh, but why not fly there, get the train or an over priced cab into town to pay top dollar for a grotty place to sleep so that you can get up real early  to try to make it to the airport three hours before your flight leaves?  And spend a bunch of useless money?

Because it's not really a clever idea.  Even if part of me thinks "Yeah, sure, I'd only have to get up by six in the morning, find a taxi running that is happy to rip me off..."

If you google 'evil taxi driver', you get the zombie taxi driver from Ghostbusters.  Apparently, actual evil taxi drivers are too evil to photograph.

Nope.  It's a lot of useless money I'd rather give to Starbucks in the airport so I can bitch about their wifi.

So I have a long night to look forward to.  Not a huge deal at KL airport.  They don't close it and drive the patrons into the streets like some airports I've been to in the past.

Once in Boryspil International Airport (the one the plane flies into) it is a 50 UAH (thats about $2) bus into Kiev.

Because as my good friend and travel mentor Adam posted...

OK.  Got that part settled.

Sadly, the town Sergey was talking about doesn't seem to have a lot of rental properties.  Switch to plan B.  Kiev, Lviv then Chernihiv.  They go down in price in that same order as well.  The latter two also put me close to the borders of other interesting countries.   If prices are cheap (or you are rich), plan B is not difficult.



BUYING AIR TICKETS ON LINE

Buying tickets on line is always stressful.  Because they really don't have their online shit together as much as we all wish they did (especially from less tech savvy countries) buying airline tickets always feels like wagering a good chunk of money at a craps table.

Not that I've ever gambled a 'good chunk of money'.  You have to have one first with which to gamble.

Getty Images - not really realizing that once you put a picture out there that putting your name on it won't keep people from using it or caring.  Getty Images is gratefully acknowledged as having either taken or bought this picture.  Like you care.

So anyway, it feels a lot like you are gambling several hundred dollars on a bet.  Will the ticket go through?  Will you think it did but it didn't?  Will the company keep your money and blow up the plane?  Who knows.  Either way, when you click it, it's gone.

Unless your fucking credit card doesn't work.

My bank (in the states) though helpful is way overprotective.  I have to literally tell them about every country I want the card to work in and update them frequently.  Apparently, they hadn't been planning on me doing business with 'one of the -stans'.

After calling my bankers (I love skype) I got the payment pushed through.

The day after, I went to check the bank (and Paypal that I'd used for the local ticket Miri to KL) to see if the payment went through.  This is actually a good tip - inspect what you expect.  The big ticket went through, the Paypal one is still 'pending' for some damned reason.  I sent them a message.  You see?  Stressful.  In addition, you should receive confirmation letters and such in your e-mail.  Check out all of this stuff closely.  Make sure they have been paid and are happy.  Other travelers tell me stories about their payment not going through and the airline looking all surprised when they showed up with 'reservations' - but no tickets/seats.


THE HUMP

Of course, you need plane tickets to get over what I personally think of as 'the hump'.

I'm pretty sure that I've discussed it before but these are the countries I wish were cheap, safe, fascinating tourist meccas (probably not the right word there...) but sadly they've gone the other way.  I need to take a plane to get over them.  Generally, they are not good places to go either because of high cost or low survival expectations.

And getting over the hump is always a few hundred dollars.  No budget airlines fly over the hump - which is sad.  It's weird but the price to get over the hump is about $150 less than it is to fly from KL to the USA.  Strange, eh?



UKRAINE RAIL MAP

I think there are a lot more minor rail connections than are shown but this does tell me they seem to have a pretty extensive rail system in Ukraine.  If prices are as cheap as I'm seeing, there could be some sightseeing and exploration by rail going on.  Yes, I know I am one to take advantage of a countries' problems but this is a unique opportunity to see a bit more of Ukraine.  Possibly before Russia decides it wants another slice.

"Hey - I am too cool being - like your Fonzie.  But with a nuclear missile where my dick was."

Oh that crazy Putin.  What ever will he do next...

Anyway, since I need to absorb off the cost of flying to Ukraine, for my first couple months I'll be seeking and staying in places for a longer term.  A month - two if very nice and I'm not sick of the town.  Then, go outside of Ukraine for a bit - check out other Eastern European countries then back in unless I'm sick of the place.

It's a solid plan and oddly, my travel mentor isn't telling me it is a stupid plan.  This makes me feel pretty good about it.

He also advised me to bring some extra 'hard currency' as a negotiating tool for rent.  It's been so long I had to double check what he was talking about.  Yes, dollars and euros.  Same kind of 'hard currency' they use to go on and on about back in the bad ole days of the USSR.  Sadly, it is a pain in the ass to get in Miri as banks regard it as the job of the money changers.  The money changers regard it as their job to rip you off.



TRAVELER'S TIP

The day after making a payment (especially for airfare) look at your accounts online to see if the money was actually paid out.  If not, make inquiries.  While it is an extra step you shouldn't be required to do when dealing with professionals, remember that the merchants frequently aren't and that banks are mutherfuckers.  Though the people who help you individually may be quite nice.  [I put that disclaimer in for all the really nice people who have helped me over the years at my bank.]



BOOK REVIEWS

I'm listening to The Walker Papers.

It's a decent urban fantasy series...aside from the fact that the author makes all of the men again attractive. Does this mean the author owns a lot of cats? I don't know - but that does seem to be a common theme for romance writers.

One of the ladies various love interests (they always juggle several because...cats...) is the captain of the police force she works for.

Ever see the TV series "Person of Interest"? Remember the dirty cop who was strong armed onto the good guy's team and eventually became a good guy? Fusco? Yeah. I have retaliated and am using his image as her captains.

This makes me rebelliously happy and makes some of the scenes much more interesting being that he is 'short and blocky' and I'm thinking not considered handsome by any women in the classical sense of the word. Maybe not any sense. I've no idea.

Why am I listening to a book series (not just one book but a series) that I am subverting? Because there just don't seem to be enough decent series out there in the urban fantasy stuff. Most of them are written (and consequently read) by women. There are some women readers who are OK (like the one who reads the Walker Papers) but many of them make me wish I were gay.

Sigh.

I'd put this series at a 5/10. It's a book series for when you are needing something to read.



MOVIE REVIEWS

(Hell, reviews of both books and movies?  This blog really has it all, huh!)

War of the Worlds (2005)

Gave this really freakishly expensive (though it did make a lot of money) a 3/10.

The positives: Lots of nifty death and dramatic action.

The negatives: The most annoying, unlovable family who I desperately wanted to have get picked off one at a time all survive despite logic and common decency.

Why they would want to make the main characters so annoying and ones you'd like to back over with your car is strange. Usually, you want people you would hope to have survive so that you can get all sympathetic and cheer them on. I cheered on the Martians though I knew they were doomed from the beginning. Wells told me so.

What really scares me is that some of my readers will know who Mr. Wells is by sight.  [For the rest of you, am I fucking with you?  Yes.  Yes I am.  Enjoy.]

PRICES (MIRI)

Local food - small dinner, under 10 MYR.  Big dinner, double that.  Includes 1-2 plates of food (small or big) and two ice teas.

Beer:  Fuck that, it's way too expensive here.  Only tourists, rich folks and desperate alcoholics drink a bunch of that here.  Go to Cambodia to drink.

TALES FROM THE HOOD

TALES FROM THE HOOD

Walking down the street and espied a guy walking the opposite direction toward me. "Trouble", thinks I. "Probably a con man who will try to talk me up."

Sure enough, he stops me and launches into his spiel alternatively telling me I am a 'lucky man' and 'do you know what your trouble is'. Push/pull technique. "Well, I know what unsolicited advice is worth." I retort. He is trying to come off as some sort of mystic who has just happened to run across me and has a message.

[Any real mystics would know the best way to get my attention is to hand me ten thousand dollars and a crossroads to meet at after a couple hours. Gives me time to get to the bank and get the money changed, make sure it is real. A crossroads is still public so I'm less worried about getting rolled.]

Sadly, this guy's English isn't good enough to get more than the very basic responses from me. I'm thinking if you are going to scam someone in a new language you need to get pretty fluent in it. Eventually he needed my input. "Where you from?"

"Say goodbye!" I responded.

It took him a couple of repeats to get it, so entrenched in his anticipated responses. Then, he just left without a word - which was a mercy.

Being able to read people - at least on some basic level (always learning, pity I'm not immortal) is something I'm very happy with.



SIGNS YOUR WORK MAY BE TOO DANGEROUS

You don't feel comfortable cleaning your gun unless a different loaded gun sits beside you.

Notching your gun belt each kill would weaken or destroy the gun belt.

Having so many scars people often mistake you for Frankenstein's monster.



A BIT O RAMBLING

Found out I should not leave my phone in my pocket when applying talcum powder to my torso.  Felt like a pretty 'duh' move.  Did I mention it is damn hot here?  I do feel a bit bad for all of the people who suffer through the cold but apparently they like it well enough not to expat.

In better news, it seems there is a chance that paying for an entire month may cause the price of the room to drop by perhaps a third.  Honestly, I didn't even check on it because the place is so cheap.  It may be one of the few places in Siem Reap with air conditioning for $10 per night.  Aside from the three hour nightly concert of xylophone music (which in the US I think may only be in grade schools and huge concerts) it is a pretty decent place.

They even make sure to give me a couple bottles of water every day.  It could be that I walk in looking like I was just playing the 'who wants to drink from the fire hose' game after wandering around during the heat of the day for a few hours every day.

We'll see after the guy talks to his sister who seems to be running the show.  She seems like a shrewd businessperson and I'm thinking the price won't drop but we'll see.



OTHER TALES

Demon Accord series

Honestly, I didn't expect to like them.  They have painfully overused fantasy elements.  The indestructible super hero, the sexy vampires, werewolf pack mentality, no ugly (read as 'realistic') people etc.

So why did I try it out?  Main answer - it's a series.

While there are some 'stand alone' books I like, they generally piss me off.  When you are done reading, it's over.  No more.  And anyone who has ever met me knows there is nothing more I enjoy than overindulgence.

Why do I like this series?  I have no fucking idea.  I'm up to book four and haven't flagged.  I would compare it to a simplified Dresden or a 'Bill the Vampire' (but without the slapstick) type of series.

Check it out if you enjoy urban fantasy.



Book review, Adrian's Undead Diary series by Chris Philbrook

Normally, I'm not a big fan of zombie books.  The buxom girl looks back while fleeing, trips over something gets eaten.  All that kind of crap.

It will take a better psychologist than I am to figure out why the hell zombie books/TV/movies are so popular.  I suspect it is a combination of first world guilt, boredom with the status quo, the need for massive change and humans desire for some sort of global apocalypse.  Until it happens, of course.  Nobody got real excited about the Black Death when it was under way but there have always been religious nuts who forecast that very soon the apocalypse will be upon us.  And other nutters who listen.

I'm not a huge fan of zombie fiction.

This book is a lot like World War Z (which I didn't like and the movie was a 'WTF has Hollywood done') so if you like that, you may well enjoy this.

I'm not sure why I enjoy this book.  Part of it may be that the main character isn't the kind of tool that you yell 'What is wrong with your brain!' and end up hoping the zombies will messily get.  He strikes me as a calm, thoughtful individual who is doing what he needs to in order to survive.  He has emotions which creep out small ways but he holds himself together admirably.

About a third of the way through the first book and am doing fine in this massive series thus far.  While it may turn to crap later, thus far I'm enjoying the book.  (Update, into sixth book - check out this series if you enjoy zombie stuff.  Even if you don't you might end up getting hooked.)

Also, the audio reader is good.  Very good.

For RPG gamers, this series (or at least the first couple books - not past that yet) should probably be a 'must read' for any GM wanting to run a long term zombie campaign.

One word review:  Addictive.  8/10.



LOGAN'S THOUGHTS ON ZOMBIE STORIES

Zombie Tales:

The downside about zombie stuff seems to be that it follows the same story arc. Since I'm currently reading a zombie book series, I'm going to try to list them here. These may not always be in this order and some of them may be mixed, depending on the plot.

Phase 1: The shit has broken out. Everyone tries to come to grip with the new reality of zombies bite bite biting everyone.  At some point, one or more of the characters will become bitten or infected - usually through some sort of easily avoidable mistake.  When the others discover one of their group has become infected, more drama ensues.

Phase 2: The looting phase. Humans need a huge amount of shit to live. Water, shelter, food, Twinkies, guns and so on. All of this must be hauled back to...

Phase 3: The set up of the fort. In addition to making it zombie proof, it needs to be hidden and human proof because of the...

Phase 4: Raiders! AKA the 'who is the new asshole who wishes to become the next Lord Humungus. Always one will arise with his band of raiders. The always want YOUR shit.

Phase 5: Fighting of Lord Humungus. Lots of fighting. Sure, most of the population of the world has died and zombies are busy trying to infect everyone but by now fighting stupid zombies has gotten old. Fighting other humans is the new red. So to speak.

Phase 6: Resolution of the fight with Lord Humungus and the rebuilding of society.

Phase 7:  Struggle for the leadership of the group.

Phase 8:  Integration of zombies with everyday life; news service.

Note that in most tabletop RPG's, usually only phase 1 and 2 is usually hit. I think there are a combination of reasons why such as the group only meets on the second Thursday of alternative months (ie 'unmotivated gamers') and combat is much easier than story (ie 'lazy or inept GM's/players). Also, maybe the logistics of tracking how many shotgun shells you have left for your aging twelve gauge have just gotten to cumbersome. While I'm sure that there are many gamers who have taken it beyond the first two phases, unless I was GM'ing, I didn't see it in three or four decades of gaming.

Thanks to Kevin D., Stephanie T. and Travis B. for their great input.


Further reading:

If you are wanting to write zombie stuff, this and this may be of assistance.

What other phases did I miss?



PRICES - SIEM REAP, CAMBODIA

Note - all prices given are in USD as that is their currency here.  Many tourists do get suckered into buying Cambodian reil but don't fall for it.  Those are only used for small change (a 1000 reil bill is twenty five cents) or by people who don't know better.

Mexican food at 'Viva' restaurant - 5-9

Lovely margarita in the half liter size (why go for less?) also at 'Viva', 5

Indian food with large bottle of water, 4 at 'India Gate' restaurant though it costs more elsewhere.

Laundry per kilo, 1

Room - I've found that the average cost is about 20-30.  This is fine if you are traveling with another person and splitting the bill (or have more money than this poor author) but a horrible price for me.  Finding cheaper  places takes a day or two.  Booking on the internet is a terrible idea, especially since many of the places are no where close to 'Pub Street' - of which you want to be in easy walking distance.

8% - getting the bank to do a CC transaction, less if you take your chances with the ATM's.  Which may or may not work.

Bottle of cheap wine, 5.

Alcohol, about 50-60% of the price within the USA as they don't have 'sin tax' as they aren't brought up to feel bad about alcohol and tobacco.

Packet of smokes, 1.  This is a bad country to come to if you are trying to give up smoking.