GLAD MY SHOWS PRODUCER WASN'T AROUND

ABSENT PRODUCER

Today was one of the few days I was happy my shows' producer wasn't around.  If I had a show, or a producer it would have gotten awkward.

Producers like to put all sorts of stuff on the air.  Especially if it is awkward.  Especially if it is a rotund man in his underwear doing laundry.

Note that 'rotund' in this case is an American word meaning 'rounded' or 'fat'.  The rest of the world would have seen the show and said "Let me guess - there were co-stars but he ate them?"  In 'Merica we have a different set of values.

As they do in the rest of the world with regards to fixing things.

Anything dealing with water - right or wrong - in most of the world comes within the purview of the plumber.  Including washing machines.

If there are any actual professional plumbers within Eastern Europe, I have neither seen nor heard of them within the two years of living there.  It is always 'the guy'.  An acquaintance or friend who knows something about it and has a toolbox dating back to the Hittites.

The repairmen are always 'motivated amateurs'.  Their amount of motivation depends solely upon how well they know the person the repairs are being done for.

There are no professional plumbers because nobody pays for them - possibly due to having no money.

As a result, the house may be immaculate but the water works in the bathroom are always suspicious at best, a ticking time bomb at worst.

Because of this, one needs to have the skills to be able to clean their clothing while the washing machine is broken.  As it often will be.

Which brings me back to washing clothing in my underwear.

Because this is an ancient and secret skill I wanted to share it with you.



PREPARATION

Lock up your dwelling tight.  Draw curtains over the windows.  As you will be doing this naked or nearly naked, it is best not to give the neighbors too much of a peep show.  Unless that is your thing.

Turn off or disconnect all phones.  If you are the type of person who cannot live with their cell phone on at all times, put one kilogram of uncooked white rice into a large, covered container.  Place well out of the way.

At minimum, you will need one large bowl capable of holding all of your clothing.  Additional bowls of the same size makes the procedure easier.

Have a drying rack set up.  Note that at minimum you will have three hundred milliliters of water drip onto the area under the drying rack.  Placing the drying rack over carpeted area or baby's crib is not recommended.

Carefully fill one container with water and a little laundry soap.  Since your washing machine is quite obviously broken, you should have plenty of laundry soap sitting around not doing anything.

Get naked.

Carefully wash the clothing in the container with the soap.  Toss wet clothing in the sink.  Curse at Logan for being a slob and having a dirty sink.

Note how much water splashes over your naked body.

Good.

Yes.  Just like that.

....

After washing all of the clothing, transfer the wet garments into the now empty bowl.  Begin rincing the clothing.

Wring it out as well as you can.

Note, it will never be good enough.

Think of the wringing out as strength training for your hands and arms.

Note, if you are Arnold Schwarzenegger, be careful when you wring out your clothing you don't accidentally shred it.

Whoops!  There goes another shirt!

After wringing out your clothing, transfer it to the drying rack.

If suffering from addiction to your cellphone and your dumbass dropped it into the water (or toilet) place the cellphone into the bin of rice.  Cover it with rice.  Cover the bin and keep it away from your clumsy ass.

If you didn't drop the phone into the water, look smug and have the rice for dinner tonight.

Special note:  If you did drop the cellphone into the water and are using the rice to suck the moisture from the phone, do not cook and eat the rice before removing the cellphone.

Wait for the clothing to dry.  This will take hours.

Pose naked in the mirror.  Do not feel bad you are not attractive.  If you are attractive, feel bad for Logan.

And you're done!

DON'T MISS LEG DAY

DAILY SCHEDULE

I've not been doing a lot recently that warrants a lot of blog posts.

Going on long sweaty and often painful walks, eating, drinking, playing my video games.  This is not newsworthy stuff, though I'm guessing Fox News could still make it fill several hours.  "And is there a chance he is talking with aliens?  Does he know where the Malaysian plane could be?  Was he some sort of "Jame Bond-esque" super villain who stole it?"



THE OTHER OTHER WHITE MEAT

Tam is one of my friends from Macedonia.  With her permission, here is one of her statements:

"I, for example don`t eat meat, and am born here, raised here, forced to eat meat when I was small and refused it as I got older and older.

I never understood why people in Macedonia in Serbia also eat that amount of meat. I don`t have anything against it, I just cant discover why.

And not that I don`t eat meat, I don`t eat fish (which is considered as sin especially in Ohrid), and don`t eat food that is touched or prepared together with meat.

The most common question that I get here is "what do you live from?"

At first, I tried to explain that you can eat pasta and a lot of vegetables and fruits + mushrooms.

They looked at me and asked me again "what do you live from?"

Now I just answer "I am a cannibal".

Usually, they go away."



FEELING EUROPEAN

Order some olives (not pitted) and a beer.  Sit around eating and drinking those and watching the people.

Note, in the states they may yell "Wot chew lookin' at?"  Followed by gunfire.



DANGER IN BEING NICE

When I've been to a restaurant more than once, there is a huge danger of them sometimes being too nice.  Extra food, special dishes and all of that.  I don't get charged for them but it does cause some guilt which I try to absolve through tipping.  This creates a dangerous cycle.



LEG TIME

Some people were asking about my legs.  Apparently, them being big through edema and now trying to shrink has caused me to begin to turn in to a lizard.

They are very dry and as painful as if I'd gotten very stupid with too much sun.

The following pictures may horrify and mortify you.  This is to be expected.

Before anyone asks, yes I am consulting a very nice doctor about it and she has prescribed medicine and such.

Someone asked "How does it feel?"  Answer, no where as bad as

THE GREAT FLOOD

[Author's note:  The blog was named after the video at the bottom of this blog.  See link below.]


PANORAMA RESTAURANT

The Panorama is a famous restaurant in Ohrid.  The prices are cheap, the food is good, the portions are big and the staff is friendly.

I've made friends with the wait staff and current manager, Risto.  He is working there while his brother the owner is tending to his broken leg.

Risto is quite an interesting fellow and we've had some good conversations.  Here's one:


Risto:  "Where are you from?  Which ethnic background?"
Logan:  "Don't know.  Adopted."
Risto:  "Your name?  Where is 'Horsford' from?
Logan:  "Might be Norwegian, not sure."
Risto:  "You don't know your family history?"
Logan:  "In America, most people don't.  They might have some memories of their grandparents, but usually..."  (shrug)
Risto:  "I know eight generations back!"
Logan:  "Most people in the USA would find that surprising.  We have no sense of history."

I didn't have the heart to tell him that when people outlive their perceived usefulness, we like to stick them in old people's homes and usually they have little to do with the families.  Here, the grandparents always live with the family and help raise the kids.

It's a different culture.

(Disclaimer:  Yes, I know of at least one person who has traced their family back to the Mayflower but that is - in the USA - an anomaly.)

As a side note, I think the culture of the USA may be slowly changing within my own lifetime.  Because of the poverty induced by the corporations.  Kids now have to live with their parents much longer (often into their 30's).  Poverty will continue to change things.  Whether this is better or worse, I cannot say.


Some cooks and wait staff freak out if you try this but it worked here:  I told them "I don't want anything that has ever lived in the water and keep the bill under 500d ($10).  Bring whatever."

Rather than doing the cowardly thing of thinking "What if he doesn't like it!" they just brought food.

Some of the best meals I've had in Macedonia.

If you visit Ohrid, Panorama is a must go to restaurant.  It will be about 120d (less than $3) by taxi to get there from the tourist area.



ALCOHOL

Somewhere, I'd made a comment that "in Macedonia I hadn't been drinking".  This isn't quite true.  Meals generally have a beer or two with them.

While in the 'we were founded by Puritans (later muddled by 'Victorian thinking') and still have all that baggage" USA, it might be seen as alcoholism, here it is 'just another drink'.

When I get beer with my food is is generally because:
a) only an idiot would drink tap water of a different country (even if it is deemed 'safe')
b) you get a half liter for the same price as you get a quarter liter of soda.  I've no idea why.



MACEDONIAN CUSTOM

"Let's go for coffee" could mean any kind of drink, including alcohol.

It is probable it will involve sitting around a cafe for a long time.



DAILY SCHEDULE

There may be a couple people who are curious as to what my daily schedule looks like.  For them as well as posterity I have taken the time to write it down.  In several hundred years, my hope is that a teacher will come across it and force their students to learn it in order to bore the shit out of them.  This, teachers, is your payback.  Note, if apes have mastered the world by then, be sure to put in several 'groom myself and others' parts.


7:00-10:00 Depending on the amount of pain I am in, I wake up somewhere between these times.

10:00-11:00  Play my video games until somewhere within these times.  In most of the world, there is really no point to go out before this time unless you like looking at closed shops.  If a male asks another male to 'wake up early to see the sunrise', he should expect to be punched in the nose.  If a boy asks a girl to 'wake up early to see the sunrise', it is a seduction thing.  If a girl asks a boy, it's because  she doesn't want to go by herself.  If the boy accepts, it is because he wants to sleep with her.  If he responds "Are you fucking nuts?" it means he thinks he has no chance of having sex with the female.  Just so you know.

10:00-14:00  Wander around for one to three hours.  The actual length of time is heightened by interest and decreased by pain and or hunger.  Or diarrhea.   The last will cut the time way down.  Leaving a brown trail around the city is not generally smiled upon by the people living in that city.

12:00-14:00  Stagger back to flat and shower.  Possibly take a nap ranging from :15 to 2:00.  The time is dependent upon the amount of fatigue vs the amount of pain I'm in.  After this, it is a combination of wandering around the flat muttering to myself (I talk to myself when I require an expert opinion), playing video games and writing blogs.

22:00-02:00  Bed time for Bonzo.  The actual bed time depends on the amount of pain, fatigue, insomnia or drunkenness.



VIDEOS

Hills of Macedonia
The Great Flood

MACEDONIA, A FRIENDLY NATION

This blog is dedicated to Robert Price who gently reminded me that people want me to write more stuff.  (Disclaimer:  Please note that I only make these when something is happening but in this case, I am moving around a bit...)



FRIENDLY FOLK

I have met pretty much nothing except friendly people here.  I wanted to illustrate that with a story.

Trying to find an apartment to stay in Bitola, I'd gone down to the real estate office.  There was a guy in his thirties with an elderly couple I judged to be his parents.

Because I'm a foreigner, the man working there wanted to know what I needed.

Honestly, this always is a bit awkward.  I really don't mind waiting my turn - but in this case it turned out to be fortuitous.   I explained I was looking for a place to stay long term.  The other customer in his thirties kindly helped translate.

After awhile, the elderly couple took off and the broker discovered he had nothing for me.  I thanked them both and left.

The guy in his thirties (Nikola) caught up with me after I'd gone a block or two and offered to take me to a different real estate agent.  Thinking it would just be a block or two I accepted his generous offer.  It was - to his car.  Then, we drove to the other real estate agent.  Who also didn't have anything.

But this story illustrates just how kind the Macedonian people really are.  Heck, if he'd just tracked me down to give me the name of a different real estate agent and vague directions to it, that would have been really nice of him - but to drive me there?

I offered (repeatedly, just in case any Islamic custom had taken root here) to buy him breakfast but he steadfastly refused as he had other stuff to do.  Stuff he put off doing to try to help me out.  In addition, he even reached out to his contacts.  Though they came up dry, it was extremely friendly and I felt very good about having come to Macedonia.

Whether they know it or not, people like Nikola are ambassadors for their nation - and they are doing a great job of it.

A side note for my American readers:  I'm sure many of you read that I got into a strangers car and went with him through parts unknown.  Yeah.  I do that quite a bit.  Given that I've an excellent sense for people and a pretty decent ability to read faces, my chances of getting hurt doing that are about half what I judge getting run over on the sidewalk.  Regardless, people are generally neutral with more being friendly than out to hurt someone.  Here in Macedonia, they seem to lean heavily toward the friendly side of the scale.  In fact, if you were to say "American people are paranoid" you could say "Macedonian people are friendly" and it would be at least as true.  Turn off the news - you are only hurting yourself by 'trying to keep informed'.



MACEDONIAN CLIMATE

I've lived in at least five different deserts.  Honestly, I've lost count at this point.  But the heat is between 30 and 40 degrees (C.  If stuck on an antiquated system the rest of the world has abandoned, please read as 'damned hot').

Why anyone would choose to come here on vacation during this degree of heat - other than to go to say a beach - is a mystery.

Starting to form the belief that south eastern Europe is best during the 'shoulder seasons' - spring and fall.  You don't want to be here during winter.  Apparently, it use to be much more mild but for no apparent reason (read as 'global warming') the temperatures have plummeted.



COFFEE

Macedonian.  Greek.  Turkish.  They all taste pretty much the same to me.  I asked someone about it and the difference turns out to be the way it is prepared - not the ingredients.  One you heat the coffee first, then add water.  Different  one you heat the water then add the coffee.  Third one you...  I'm not sure.  Blow a squirrel, toss everything into the pot and boil it?  I can't remember but you get the point.



WAITERS

Most people complain they have trouble with waiters, especially in countries where if you don't tip them they don't get paid.

Try being funny, outrageous, shameless and over the top.  I've never had bad service.  Oh, and treating them like humans who are stuck doing a kind of shitty job doesn't hurt either.   But they shall be freed from their shitty jobs when we build small robots to do this work (or trained pigeons) and then they shall have no jobs and rejoice!



BITOLA

Not sure why Bitola has only one decent/affordable hostel.  It's OK, but nothing I'd travel there to stay in.  For tourists, I'd recommend staying in Ohrid and making Bitola a day trip.  You can see all the major sites in a day.

One odd thing they have is a kilometer or two (or more?) of nothing but restaurants and cafes.  No clue why it is set up like that but they're all along the same street, pretty much in a straight line.

Skip the 'bazaar'.  It's not.  Nothing but a bunch of small huts selling stuff, closed on Sundays.  None of the wonder, romance and chaos of an actual bazaar.

It's a nice town but not really that noteworthy to tourists.



OHRID

Though I was told there would be 'lots', there was only one woman waiting around at the bus station hoping to rent out a room in her house to tourists.  She was kind enough to point out I'd left my plastic bag with my water behind.

If you're wanting a 'home' experience, go with one of these women but as always make sure to first take a look at the place then find out what is actually included.  If they have noisy pets and noisy kids, find that out.  Food may or may not be included.  Haggle!

After lying to the nice lady and telling her I already had a reservation, I walked the kilometer to the place I'm staying.  It's called "Valentin Hostel".  It's extremely basic and not all that clean.

The owner is one of those 'really happy to help you initially' kind of people but by my fourth request he was losing steam fast.

He strongly cautioned me to turn off the boiler before having a shower so that I don't die.  Really.  I missed seeing his copy of "So your hostel's a death trap" book lying around but got the hint anyway.  Since I'm use to some element of danger (though usually self inflicted) this doesn't bother me overly much.



GOOD MACEDONIAN QUOTE

"You are a vegetarian?  What the hell are you doing in the Balkans?" - unknown.

Good food here begins and ends with meat.



LOGAN EXCHANGES

Personally, I think a lot of them are funnier than the stuff in "An Idiot Abroad", but I don't have famous friends who make movies.

Logan:  "The chicken ceasar salad please."
Waiter:  (pause)  "That is all?"
Logan:  "Your salads here are big, right?"
Waiter:  (eyeing me dubiously) "For one person."
Logan:  (patting belly) "I know I am two people but..."


Logan:  "Cheeseburger, please."
Waitress:  "You should try the double cheeseburger - it's very big!"
Logan:  "I don't need very big - besides, I just woke up!"
Waitress:  (looking pointedly at Logan's huge belly)  "For you, I think it's OK."

I managed to resist.  Doing the 'just eat when you're hungry' crap doesn't work when you've been raised to 'clean your plate!'.  Fucking starving children in China.  Later, having the "Eat fast, we may be attacked at any second!" training from the military doesn't help.  Parents, if you want your kid to be chubby (ie fat) remind them to always 'clean your plate, there are starving children in China!'  Of course, you could have said "There are starving children down the street" but that might give the kids ideas about just bringing them the unwanted portion and we don't want that kind of social responsibility cropping up.



TRAVEL SKILL

It would be nice to say that after several years of travel, I've gotten slick at it.  The truth, however, is that I am still fumbling around letting luck sort out several important details.

A friend of mine (the evil TJ) put up this video of Indian Jones explaining how Logan thinks he is (Marcus Brody) vs reality.

Fortunately, the truth is somewhere in the middle.  Probably way toward the last part of the video, but still.



QUEEN'S PUB

I ate breakfast (well, OK a shitty cheeseburger) at 'The Queen's Pub'.  This brought up images of the Queen of England.  Then, my friend Matt Lunn, who is British.  Then, Matt Lunn dressed as the Queen.  Then, Matt dressed as the Queen being forced by his nation to knight me.

Then, my brain put him into this video.  Matt is the guy in gold wings, and calls me 'Gordon'.

For those that know both Matt and I, that is fucking hilarious.  If I had 'big money', I'd do a video of it.  Which a couple dozen people would think is great.  Everyone else would be confused.



PRICES

'Deniro' salad (fucking big) and two Turkish coffees, 220d

Cheap meal (generally, with a couple beers), 300-500d

MACEDONIA, INITIAL IMPRESSIONS

FROM BULGARIA TO MACEDONIA


Despite "Hostel Mostel" being the 'top rated hostel in Bulgaria', I only got a couple hours of alcohol induced sleep there.  The hostel qualifies as what I term a 'high density feedlot' type of place.  Lots of tourists in and out.

A great place to meet up with other travelers, not so much for languid relaxing.

I'd gone with some nice people I'd met to the first bar on their nightly pub crawl and ended up hanging out with three Bulgarians discussing the history of the region as well as Macedonia.

Every patron was outside of the bar - whether they smoked or not.  Due to the rather silly law of 'no smoking inside buildings'.  This is a law which has failed.  How would Logan do it?  Every bar would get to choose whether they wanted to be a smoking or non-smoking bar.  This must be advertised large outside of the bar.  If a bar wanted to change from smoking to non-smoking, a group of non-smokers would be sent in to make sure it smelled fine.  A bar could change only every set period of time (quarterly, bi-yearly, yearly, whatever).  This would allow both groups to get their way.  As the laws now stand they do not seem to have the interest of the actual patrons in mind.

Despite sleeping in my clothing, I nearly left my security pouch behind.  Better to be lucky than good, as they say.

The person who checked me in to the room forgot to mark me as paid so the person checking me out wanted more money.  Fortunately, my fanatical devotion toward getting a receipt any time I hand over money paid off.

Since their wifi was out (at the 'top rated hostel in Bulgaria') I went to the bus station a couple hours early.  Not a recommended hostel for more than a night unless you are wanting to party.



SKOPJE

This is one of those countries where the capital city is more expensive than the villages.  Rather than competition driving down the prices, they charge more.  Why, I cannot say.

After my usual period of bumbling around, I lucked out and found a nice private room for 15 euros per night (Lounge Hostel).  Even more luckily, I made friends with the owners.  In the 'bonus round' of luck, the owners mother has some property I will rent out on a later part of my journey through Macedonia.

Unfortunately, I had to hike 5.5 KM with everything I own to get there.  Well, that's stubbornness for you.  It nearly killed me but I made it.

Skopje seemed find but was more expensive than I'd thought it would be.

On the city itself; a lot of people are making fun of it saying they are trying to make it into a sort of 'Disneyland for tourists' by putting up a lot of statues and other tourist crack.  Personally, I think they are 'making an effort' as the British would say.  It will look great in a hundred years when everything has gotten to age some.

I liked Skopje just fine.  Considering it is the largest city in Macedonia, it really didn't feel that crowded.



COFFEE?

Like much of the Eastern Europe, it is a 'cafe culture' here.  People enjoy sitting around outdoors under umbrellas, sipping drinks and discussing things.  Much as many Americans believe it is.

It was time for coffee.  Because they are large, I ordered a coffee 'Americano'.

Owner:  "No Americano!  This is Macedonia!"
Logan:  "Ah.  What kind of coffee do you have?"
Owner:  "Turkish!"
Logan:  "...okie dokie then..."

A quick note on coffees.  If you stir the coffee for any reason, don't get close to the bottom at all.  There is a layer of sediment you don't want.  If you stir it into your coffee, it will be gross.  Leave it alone.

Within Eastern Europe, I've seen people having beer and wine (though not at the same time) for breakfast.  Without the Puritanical views America got stuck with, these are seen as just something different to drink.



SKOPJE TO BITOLA

Because I wanted the romance of the train...  I screwed myself.  (Yes, I was warned but I'd already bought the train tickets).

You would think a metal tube with open windows would get some air.  You would be wrong.  Sweated all the way here.

Rather than the compartments it was one long seating thing.  Blerg.  Nothing I'd want to repeat.  Take the bus instead.  Trust me on this.

Because the train had stopped for awhile and I decided to risk a cigarette outside, I discovered I'd reached my destination.  There were no announcements.



BITOLA

My first impressions were very positive.  The narrow, medieval streets (known as 'crack for tourists') called to me as did the crumbling buildings.  It looks like quite an interesting place to explore.

Unfortunately, the prices are such that I'm eating once or twice in a day and sitting around sucking on a warm two liter of cola the rest of the time.



MACEDONIA

Some extremely friendly people here.  These are the "I will drive you to somewhere you need to be" or "I will walk with you to your destination".  Not because they want anything from you - they are just that damned nice.  

Less German is spoken here than Bulgaria but about the same amount of English in the couple towns I've been thus far.



LIST OF PLACES TO CHECK IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A LONG TERM RENTAL

For folks who ask 'where do you even get started finding a place', here are some suggestions:

1)  The hostel/hotel you are staying at.  They may know someone or they may offer you a lower extended rate on a room.  If no luck there, all other hostels/hotels/guest houses.

2)  Real estate agencies.  These places often rent property.

3)  Travel agencies.  Bit more of a long shot here.

4)  Other.  You don't have to directly ask your waiter if he knows of anyone renting a room but you can mention to him that you are looking for a place to rent long term and are not sure where to start.  Shrug and go back to doing something else like looking at the menu or smoking.  (If you don't smoke, this is a great time to start a new hobby!)  Don't just stare at him like you want him to suddenly solve your problems - but he might.



'MERICA?

Like much of the rest of the world, people want to know where you are from.  If you tell them America (I always do now) they will always ask where.

The reason why is they have relatives in America and or have visited.



COSTS

Excellent salad and two Turkish coffees, 220 dinars.
Private room, 900 dinars.