ABSENT PRODUCER
Today was one of the few days I was happy my shows' producer wasn't around. If I had a show, or a producer it would have gotten awkward.
Producers like to put all sorts of stuff on the air. Especially if it is awkward. Especially if it is a rotund man in his underwear doing laundry.
Note that 'rotund' in this case is an American word meaning 'rounded' or 'fat'. The rest of the world would have seen the show and said "Let me guess - there were co-stars but he ate them?" In 'Merica we have a different set of values.
As they do in the rest of the world with regards to fixing things.
Anything dealing with water - right or wrong - in most of the world comes within the purview of the plumber. Including washing machines.
If there are any actual professional plumbers within Eastern Europe, I have neither seen nor heard of them within the two years of living there. It is always 'the guy'. An acquaintance or friend who knows something about it and has a toolbox dating back to the Hittites.
The repairmen are always 'motivated amateurs'. Their amount of motivation depends solely upon how well they know the person the repairs are being done for.
There are no professional plumbers because nobody pays for them - possibly due to having no money.
As a result, the house may be immaculate but the water works in the bathroom are always suspicious at best, a ticking time bomb at worst.
Because of this, one needs to have the skills to be able to clean their clothing while the washing machine is broken. As it often will be.
Which brings me back to washing clothing in my underwear.
Because this is an ancient and secret skill I wanted to share it with you.
PREPARATION
Lock up your dwelling tight. Draw curtains over the windows. As you will be doing this naked or nearly naked, it is best not to give the neighbors too much of a peep show. Unless that is your thing.
Turn off or disconnect all phones. If you are the type of person who cannot live with their cell phone on at all times, put one kilogram of uncooked white rice into a large, covered container. Place well out of the way.
At minimum, you will need one large bowl capable of holding all of your clothing. Additional bowls of the same size makes the procedure easier.
Have a drying rack set up. Note that at minimum you will have three hundred milliliters of water drip onto the area under the drying rack. Placing the drying rack over carpeted area or baby's crib is not recommended.
Carefully fill one container with water and a little laundry soap. Since your washing machine is quite obviously broken, you should have plenty of laundry soap sitting around not doing anything.
Get naked.
Carefully wash the clothing in the container with the soap. Toss wet clothing in the sink. Curse at Logan for being a slob and having a dirty sink.
Note how much water splashes over your naked body.
Good.
Yes. Just like that.
....
After washing all of the clothing, transfer the wet garments into the now empty bowl. Begin rincing the clothing.
Wring it out as well as you can.
Note, it will never be good enough.
Think of the wringing out as strength training for your hands and arms.
Note, if you are Arnold Schwarzenegger, be careful when you wring out your clothing you don't accidentally shred it.
After wringing out your clothing, transfer it to the drying rack.
If suffering from addiction to your cellphone and your dumbass dropped it into the water (or toilet) place the cellphone into the bin of rice. Cover it with rice. Cover the bin and keep it away from your clumsy ass.
If you didn't drop the phone into the water, look smug and have the rice for dinner tonight.
Special note: If you did drop the cellphone into the water and are using the rice to suck the moisture from the phone, do not cook and eat the rice before removing the cellphone.
Wait for the clothing to dry. This will take hours.
Pose naked in the mirror. Do not feel bad you are not attractive. If you are attractive, feel bad for Logan.
And you're done!
Today was one of the few days I was happy my shows' producer wasn't around. If I had a show, or a producer it would have gotten awkward.
Producers like to put all sorts of stuff on the air. Especially if it is awkward. Especially if it is a rotund man in his underwear doing laundry.
Note that 'rotund' in this case is an American word meaning 'rounded' or 'fat'. The rest of the world would have seen the show and said "Let me guess - there were co-stars but he ate them?" In 'Merica we have a different set of values.
As they do in the rest of the world with regards to fixing things.
Anything dealing with water - right or wrong - in most of the world comes within the purview of the plumber. Including washing machines.
If there are any actual professional plumbers within Eastern Europe, I have neither seen nor heard of them within the two years of living there. It is always 'the guy'. An acquaintance or friend who knows something about it and has a toolbox dating back to the Hittites.
The repairmen are always 'motivated amateurs'. Their amount of motivation depends solely upon how well they know the person the repairs are being done for.
There are no professional plumbers because nobody pays for them - possibly due to having no money.
As a result, the house may be immaculate but the water works in the bathroom are always suspicious at best, a ticking time bomb at worst.
Because of this, one needs to have the skills to be able to clean their clothing while the washing machine is broken. As it often will be.
Which brings me back to washing clothing in my underwear.
Because this is an ancient and secret skill I wanted to share it with you.
PREPARATION
Lock up your dwelling tight. Draw curtains over the windows. As you will be doing this naked or nearly naked, it is best not to give the neighbors too much of a peep show. Unless that is your thing.
Turn off or disconnect all phones. If you are the type of person who cannot live with their cell phone on at all times, put one kilogram of uncooked white rice into a large, covered container. Place well out of the way.
At minimum, you will need one large bowl capable of holding all of your clothing. Additional bowls of the same size makes the procedure easier.
Have a drying rack set up. Note that at minimum you will have three hundred milliliters of water drip onto the area under the drying rack. Placing the drying rack over carpeted area or baby's crib is not recommended.
Carefully fill one container with water and a little laundry soap. Since your washing machine is quite obviously broken, you should have plenty of laundry soap sitting around not doing anything.
Get naked.
Carefully wash the clothing in the container with the soap. Toss wet clothing in the sink. Curse at Logan for being a slob and having a dirty sink.
Note how much water splashes over your naked body.
Good.
Yes. Just like that.
....
After washing all of the clothing, transfer the wet garments into the now empty bowl. Begin rincing the clothing.
Wring it out as well as you can.
Note, it will never be good enough.
Think of the wringing out as strength training for your hands and arms.
Note, if you are Arnold Schwarzenegger, be careful when you wring out your clothing you don't accidentally shred it.
Whoops! There goes another shirt!
After wringing out your clothing, transfer it to the drying rack.
If suffering from addiction to your cellphone and your dumbass dropped it into the water (or toilet) place the cellphone into the bin of rice. Cover it with rice. Cover the bin and keep it away from your clumsy ass.
If you didn't drop the phone into the water, look smug and have the rice for dinner tonight.
Special note: If you did drop the cellphone into the water and are using the rice to suck the moisture from the phone, do not cook and eat the rice before removing the cellphone.
Wait for the clothing to dry. This will take hours.
Pose naked in the mirror. Do not feel bad you are not attractive. If you are attractive, feel bad for Logan.
And you're done!
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