A BEGINNERS GUIDE TO BESTIALITY

STORY TIME

The tribesman sat and listened to the Outsider through the translator.  Bright eyes shown out through faces darkened like the nuts of the Coula tree by the harsh suns.

"We take water, clean water." said the Outsider through the translator.  "So clean that it would taste odd to you but it would be safe for even your babies or old men to drink.  We place it into the vessel.  The vessel is more white than the most white clouds in the sky."

The outsider gestured upward but the sky was pale blue, an unrelenting sun have burned off the clouds soon after rising.

Fascinated, the tribesmen leaned forward.  The bravest of them all, the chief asked "And what do you do?"

"We shit in it."

After a stunned silence, the chief leaned toward his brother and muttered, "What an asshole."


Except from "The Book of Logan", volume 8, Logan describes flush toilets to tribesmen.



A BEGINNERS GUIDE TO BESTIALITY

And now from the guys who are copying the "Time Life" book idea despite the internet, a new book series -

Coffee Table Books

Every month, you'll receive a new book including such titles as:

"A Beginners Guide To Bestiality"
"Necrophilia - How Old Is Too Old?"
"How To Cook Meth" combined with "Rebuilding Your Home After An Explosion"
"How To Dispose of a Fresh Corpse"
"How To Hotwire the Space Shuttle"
"How To Host A Tailgating Party From the Space Shuttle"
"How To Avoid the USA Government - The Snowden Way"
"Stealing Cattle For Fun And Profit" combined with "Chop Shops For Cattle - How To Find Them"
"Satan Lives In The Toilet" - a young children's guide to getting them to poop.
"It Scares The Shit Out Of Them!" - adult's guide to SLITT.
"Moist And Other Words Women Love"
"Committing Suicide - The Robin Williams Way!"
"Eat A Dick" - By Chris C.  (This is his followup to the book "Women Are Junk")
"How To Not Stress Out Before Giving A Panel On Writing" - By Jim G.
"A Is For Assrape - A Guide To The American Penal System"

If you choose to keep the volume, enclose just $19.95 in the return envelope.  Should you choose to return the volume, you pay only the shipping and handling of $19.95.



GOODBYE ROBIN

On a completely unrelated note, rest in peace, Robin Williams.



FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a wicked witch put a curse on a young princess.

"She shall lie as though dead until a prince shall come and kiss her."

Unfortunately, the only kind of princes that go around kissing women who look dead are 'princes of necrophilia'.

Ladies, men who molest corpses they find in the woods do not good husbands make.

Especially, if like the prince who found the young princess, they carry a gimp mask.

She was never...well...kissed, at any rate.



ALBANIA - FIRST GLANCE

Because there are people who are interested in such things, I'm putting my rough research notes here on research into Albania.

As usual, my first stop is Wikitravel.  Unless otherwise noted, any quote is from there.


For citizens of the USA, no visa is required for 90 days.  I'll probably be there two months (possibly a tick more) because

And,

Since I'm neither rich nor cool enough to do winter in Hawaii, I will have to find somewhere closer - and cheaper to 'do winter'.   Going to stay in either southern Europe or perhaps northern Africa.


Back to Albania...

Pretty much everyone I've spoken to on Albania agrees that the south is nice, the north is bad - and potentially dangerous.  Because of my current location and potential next locations, south works out.

"There is a €1 road tax for the first 60 days of your stay. For every additional day it is €1 per day. Be sure to receive a receipt and keep it with you, as guards may request it upon exiting the country as proof of payment. The former €10 entrance fee per person has been abolished. The Albania guards are very nice and do their best to help out and will, on occasion, allow fees to be paid in dollars or will forget to charge you. It's worth making sure you've got the Euros on you..."

Logan:  OK.  Get a receipt and be sure to keep it.  Note that in some countries, if you don't pay something (ludicrous) like the 'road tax' and have the receipt, you get charged the 'per day'.  Hence it could go up from 1€ to 60€ quick.  That is a receipt that goes into my passport and stays there until I leave the country.  This is one of those 'taxes' I'd personally abolish for tourists.  "KISS" as they say.

They also have additional 'taxes' for using the airport, going into the city center and presumably the bathroom.  Since I'm going to be going in from the Macedonian border, I should be able to avoid that crap.

Looking at the map,

I do see that I am tantalizingly close to both Greece and the boot of Italy.

Unfortunately, I know the answer to the above question and that may just keep me out of both.

Judging by the bus prices they list for other destinations on Wikitravel, it should cost me under $10 to get from Ohrid into Albania and less than six hours.  Which is one of the reasons I decided to stay in this area - easy egress.


Where to hang out?

This statement caught my eye:

"In Gjirokaster you can buy a bus ticket to Athens, Greece or anywhere in between. The buses are new, cheap, air conditioned, and stop along the way at some service stations."

This might mean that the town - which I have no clue how to pronounce might be a good place for me to spend some time.  Maybe a quick in and out field trip into Greece.  Not sure.  Something to consider.

Another statement: "Ferries from Corfu to Saranda every day."

Note that Sarandra and the town I will never be able to spell, Gjirokaster, seem to be pretty close together.

Skipping over to the entry on Sarandra, I read the depressing statement "Saranda is characterized by a Mediterranean climate and warm sea waters. Saranda typically has over 300 sunny days a year. Due to its location and warm weather Saranda is one of the most attractive tourist towns on the Albanian Riviera, where honeymooners traditionally spend their holidays."  Read as "This is probably the expensive bit."  Fortunately, I was pleasantly surprised by reading of some 10 euro dorm accommodations.  Possibly cheaper as I'll be going in the off season.  I hope.  When staying in a hostel, I will again be looking for my next apartment.

It also mentions that to go to the Greek island of Corfu it is about $50 round trip.  Prices seem to be about double there but it might be good to go for a couple days, not sure.  Would have to do more research.

[Yeah, I know if I was a productive member of society money would not be such a limiting factor but since I am essentially a vagrant, it is.  I'm ok with that.]

A quick read through of some of the towns gave me this information:

The stuff with '?' seemed to be of limited interest.  Not a lot of places to stay, not a lot of tourist stuff listed, that sort of thing.  The places underlined seemed of more interest.

Given how I live however, it seems that anywhere with wifi would be just fine for me.

There could be a problem with getting to see Berat - if the map above is at all accurate, it's a lot of long looping roads (many of which I've read are unpaved) to get there.  Given that wikitravel says "In 2008 it was designated as a UNESCO World Heritage Site as it is a rare example of a well-preserved Ottoman town. It is one of the country's most beautiful towns, and is known as the 'town of a thousand windows.'", it sounds as though it may be a shame to miss it.  Hence, I'll have to do more research.

The route may end up going something like this:

The problem (again) is that the areas I want to possibly stay in are near the end of the route.  This presents the possible problem of needing to backtrack if I find an area I like better along the way.  Fortunately, Albania is not a huge country.

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN EUROPE AND USA

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN EUROPE AND USA

There are a lot of differences between Europe and the USA. For example Americans pay ten to twenty percent less in taxes than other developed countries.  Of course, you don't see that in your bank account but you will be crippled financially for decades due to student loan payments and medical bills.  But best not to talk about that...

...and move on to something lighter.



INSECTS

There seem to be a lot less of them in Europe.  The average European doesn't have - nor need - screens on their windows and doors.  This is slowly changing as screens are making their way into Europe.

To give an example, in the USA if you look at any random street light at night, you will find insects teeming around it.  Not so in Europe.

My personal belief is possibly the slaying of the indigenous population left us with some sort of curse.

Not sure what more we can do for the survivors - we have named several sports teams after them...

...And even gave them casinos...

I mean, what more could people want?  Well, other than not being slaughtered.

My god, this gif can get annoying.  On to the next thing...



ELECTRIC KETTLE

Believe it or not, I had to go to England to see one of these.  Really.

They just don't have them in America.  Instead, we have

Yep.  This blurry shitty picture is the best I could find.  'Merica!  And Logan's laziness.  Laziness is indeed a stereotype of Americans.

It seems to baffle Europeans that people in the USA don't own electric kettles.  "How do you heat water?" I have been asked on numerous occasions.

When I moved in to my apartment in Macedonia, the kind people I rented it from made sure the apartment had a comfortable rolling chair for my ever widening ass and...and electric kettle.  I'd asked for a microwave which baffled them.  I was warned that I would become sick (and possibly die) if I used it overly much.  "If that were true, most of America would have already died." I retorted.

After having lived in Europe for a year or two (?) I would say that if you drink instant coffee or tea, an electric kettle is indispensable.   It heats up water faster than the stove will and I've heard that some advanced models even have a 'keep the water warm' setting.  Honestly though it heats up fast enough you really don't need that.



PHARMACIES

In the USA, especially if you have medical insurance, you go to the doctor if you think something is wrong.  Within Europe you go to the doctor if you think something is severely wrong or you are dying.

Instead of going to the doctor, you go to the pharmacy.   In the USA, it seems you need a prescription for almost everything.  For example, I take medicine for high blood pressure, muscle relaxants and for my ankylosing spondylitis.  A prescription is needed for all five medicines, which entails an expensive and time consuming doctor visit.  Every other country I've been to - including all the European nations I have visited - all these drugs are over the counter.  Although I've chosen to go to a doctor to have the prescriptions verified from time to time, it is not obligatory.



WASHING MACHINES

Coming from the land of top loading washing machines, the front loader is one of the most baffling things about Europe.

These are a huge pain in the ass.

When the machine is running, the door automatically locks to keep you from opening it and spilling a couple of liters of hot, soapy water onto your floor.

While this may sound reasonable in principle, it is one of the worst designs I've ever seen.

Often the door decides to stay locked until it feels like opening.  If ever.

With the top loader, you can open it whenever you want without the risk of a foot bath and burn.  The machine merely stops whatever it was doing.

Forget to add some socks?  No problem with a top loader - just open it up and toss them in there.  Front loader?  Too bad.  Maybe you can get it open but you feel a bit like...

...you're trying to crack a safe.  In fact, I've had an easier time getting into a couple of safes than some of these front loaders.

So why do Europeans use them?  According to some sources, they do a better job, use less water and detract less from counter space when installed in the kitchen and are more gentle on clothing.

From my perspective, using the top loader is much easier, therefore better.  See American stereotypes above.



PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION

Having lived in five different states within the USA (Arizona, Colorado, Illinois, Nebraska and Virginia) I would have to say "Public transportation in the USA sucks donkey cock."

Within Europe, public transportation is easy to use.  Buses, streetcars, subways, bike paths and so on.

America, not so much.   Women see men who don't own a car as a loser.  Corporations also want you to drive and are not above evil means to make that happen.  Lots of places in the USA don't have adequate public transportation and unless you own a car, keeping a job won't happen.

Don't get me wrong, plenty of people in Europe own cars but public transportation is a viable option.  Heck, you can even travel across Europe using public transportation.



FURTHER READING

I thought this article was an interesting read.  Disclaimer:  No, I am not trying to get anyone to move anywhere.  Honestly, I don't care where you live.  It would make me happy if more people from the USA left it to travel extensively and see some of the world.  It opens doors in your mind you did not know were there.



FOR PEOPLE NOT FROM AMERICA

Do not be discouraged by my views on the differences.  Although Winston Churchill said “When I am abroad, I always make it a rule to never criticize or attack the government of my own country. I make up for lost time when I come home.”, I am not planning on living in the USA any more so have to do it from abroad.


For Europeans planning on visiting the USA, here are five recommendations.

First - unless you are wealthy, you'll want to travel in a group of two to four people to reduce costs.  I recommend renting a vehicle large enough to sleep in as most of America hasn't really figured out the whole 'hostel' thing yet.  Hotels are freakishly expensive.  They have showers at some rest stops and you can get your own camp showers.

Yeah, it sucks but it beats blowing a hundred dollars a night for a hotel.



Second - when you go to a restaurant, have only one person order food and the other share with them.  Seriously - you will get at least double the portions and can feed two, maybe three people from one order.  This will help you save money.  Remember, unless you tip at least 15% to 25% or make sure you never go to that restaurant again.  Unless you like steak seasoned with ass.  The movie Waiting will show some of the dreadful things that can happen should you run afoul the staff of a restaurant.



Third - be sure to visit the 'hick'/'redneck' states.  I did a search on the internet to try to get a good map of which states are included in this.  The best I could find was this map:

I have no idea why the 'most religious states' are those most closely associated with hick/redneck culture.

But if you want to watch people race lawnmowers (yes), go noodling, attend tailgating parties, get to see an individual's closet full of guns and meet some really unique people...

...you owe it to yourself to go there.



Fourth, the USA is frigging huge.

While you don't need to plan out how long to spend at each location (don't recommend it either) I do recommend coming up with some sort of route.  This can make it much more probable you will hit all of the things you want to see.



Lastly, be sure to speak with people outside your group.  If you are looking for...intimate companionship, know that Americans love foreign accents.  Except Mexican.  There we have a bit of racism.  But if you are from Europe especially countries Americans get excited about the thought of visiting (not actually visiting, just the thought of it) such as France, Switzerland, etc you will find 'picking someone up' (ie one night stands aka quick sex aka bonk bonk vroom vroom...  Hopefully, you get the idea) much easier than a local.  Play up on your 'being exotic'.  Enjoy.



WEIRD SHIT AND MEMES

Be careful what you type in.  Notice that 'lobbyists' fails to appear?  Was Google bribed by one?  If only the aliens had paid up!

Know your Gods!

What an amazing sight to come home to every day.

There is some of that in this fucking blog.

Because 'Merican!

Wish I'd found this for my previous blog.  It could have used more casual racism.

But not this much.  Way over the line here.  Note, if I still have any fans of Asian ancestry, be sure to write in and tell me how much you love this blog.  Despite me.

Lastly, this reminds me of my good friend Chris C.  He use to have a profound skill in projectile vomiting.  Also, this blog may cause some people to do this.