BANGKOK, DAY TWO

CHRIS C WISDOM

My old pal Chris found an interesting fact. New York City and Cairo have the same population. New York city covers twice as much area as Cairo. Interesting. Packed!



AND BACK TO THAILAND

Unlike Cairo, however, eateries seem pretty easy to find here in Thailand. Even without resorting to the 'will I have diarrhea if I eat this shit' 'street food' places, it is packed with places to eat. One downside here is that the beer isn't very good. I've only had two kinds. One with a picture of two elephants facing each other, the other Heineken. The first is rubbish, the second is meh.

I went on what Pete would call 'a bit of a wander'. I call it a three kilometer death march through South East Asia heat. I eventually managed to find what I was looking for - a special pharmacy that supposedly stocked a drug I needed for my blood pressure. They didn't have the generic I was use to getting but only the brand name that I couldn't afford in the USA. For a three month supply, it was 680 BHT. At today's exchange rate, that is $22. Considering it was over ten times that in the states, we are getting horribly, horribly ripped off there. Daily.



BIDET

In one of my earlier posts (and on the blog), I discussed how to use a squat toilet. In this one, we shall discuss how to use a bidet. In some toilets, the bidet is built into the toilet itself. After you've taken your dump - or when you want a nice jet of water against your balls, you simply turn the handle and it happens. In a perfect world, all bidets would work in this manner. As it is, they do not. Some are a separate hose with a handle - much as you may remember from your mothers sink when you were a child. Instead of spraying dirty dishes, you must use it to spray your asshole. This is not as easy as it sounds. In order to be effective, the water pressure must be right up there. Rebounds and flooding are common problems. I suggest the following steps for using this sort of bidet. 1) Remove all garmets, place them into a waterproof bag and hide them in a dry place. 2) Yell "Mee Krob!" It was introduced as one of the seven swear words on South Park. This will tell anyone in the immediate area they should flee and the people who live downstairs to expect brown rain. 3) Spray that ass. You will notice water rebounding pretty much all over the bathroom as you spray your ass and enjoy the new bizarre feelings - like a water park gone horribly wrong. 4) Somewhere during the process, you will notice that the water level is beginning to rise dangerously and it is time to flee. Flee, preferably screaming. 5) Try to figure out how to flush the toilet from outside of the flooded bathroom. 6) Hide from the outraged downstairs neighbors who are on their way to pay you a visit, dripping wet and smelling like what is probably still floating in the toilet. Good luck. [Biography: Logan Horsford is currently working as a cultural attache helping to bring what is left of the American culture to the rest of the world. His two books "Torturing Children" and "International Etiquette for Dummies" both hit number one on the New York Times bestsellers list for twelve weeks. Mr. Horsford is currently doing a motivational talk circuit on the dangers of not spanking your children regularly and without cause.]



MOVIE REVIEW

Johnny English Reborn. After a bit of a rough start, the movie got underway nicely. Without giving any spoilers, my favorite scene was Johnny English after the parkour master. The whole movie was worth watching just for that scene.


CLOTHING

My pants made in Arabia might have turned to shit due to the extreme humidity of this place. They're a bit sticky and such and harder to move around in. There are also a lot less flies here so they may turn into 'hanging around in air conditioning and I got my other pants wet trying to use the bidet again' clothing.



TOMORROW PLANS

I'm planning on going to a town called 'Pattaya' tomorrow to visit Tonto, my abused native guide. I know I haven't seen anything of Bangkok yet. I am indeed planning on coming back but for some indefinable reason, I'm just wanting to get to this Pattaya and check it out. I am going to get the card to the hotel I'm at now, it suits my purpose and is close to shit I want to go to. I suspect I'll be back here later.



TRAVELER'S TIPS

One baffling thing about the party city of Bangkok - stores stop selling alcohol at midnight. Stock up if you intend to drink after that. As people who know me know, I like to drink either by myself or with a small group of people without the burden of music. The closing of the stores alcohol selection (they put a piece of cardboard over it) is a cramp in my style but I'll live.



COSTS

Mains, in a tourist restaurant, 90 BHT

Starbucks coffee, 175 BHT. I'm fucking addicted. Sue me.

Movie, 120 BHT

Special 'fish hook' head set, 349 BHT. One set got destroyed through use, one stolen. I am down to my last one and figured I'd need a back up.

16 GIG flash drives (x2), 800 BHT each. Not as cheap as in the US but there are too many times one would have come in useful not to have some. I also had a wild idea about trying to save my pics (30 gig) on one and sending it to Bert, but I'm instead going to contend myself with keeping them on Photobucket and deleting them off of the computer. It sucks but it's a tiny hard drive and I need the room.