Saturday, September 12, 2015



Unfortunately, it's not just like this.


This is my first foray into non-Amsterdam Netherlands, so I thought I'd put down some quick observations on the Dutch.

Generally, they are a tall and good looking people.  Except for my hostess.  She is short and good looking.  No, she is not a midget.  Sadly.

If you take a good-natured Dutch person and have someone standing in the bike lane, the Dutch person will lose their fucking mind.  Beware of the bike lane.

There are two interesting types of Dutch person.  One is illustrated by this story:

I was in IKEA (mostly to have lunch - get some lingonberries) and told the clerk:  "I need some big fluffy slippers to fit over my gigantic feet because I have a neighbor who bitches if I walk around barefoot at night."  He laughed and just said "Netherlands."

I call this type of person the 'tetchy' sort.  They exist here because Europeans are generally not violent enough to cull them.  They will make you want to punch them in the face.  I've never encountered this sort on the road - possibly because they would self destruct if confronted with the rest of the world.

The other sort I call the 'mellow' ones.  They typically offer you something to drink and would like to sit around and talk for awhile.  I've met one of each in the building I'm staying in.  The mellow ones you can often encounter on the road and give the Netherlands a very favorable image.

I've only seen one residence, but from the way they talk to each other about products that are multi-use or can be easily stored away, I've gotten the impression their homes are much smaller than ones in the USA.

They have a weird three name thing here (Dutch, Holland, Netherlands) which seem to be used interchangeably.  I'm sure there is a good reason (probably historical) but I've not bothered to look up why.

They seem to have fairly sucky (though expensive) food here.  I'm thinking they were also sick of it and  that's why they went and took over part of Indonesia, back in the old days when no people were too good to stab to get better food.  Hen (my host) has promised that later we will go to some restaurant to try 'Dutch cuisine' but most of their food looks like it would be better eaten while drunk.  Which is ironic considering their alcohol is really expensive.  Probably from taxes - but that's what socialized medicine gets ya.  Disclaimer:  People who say 'yeah, but they pay more taxes', fuck off.  You don't know what percentage you pay much less what they pay.  (Hint:  It's different based on the amount you make and how good your accountant is.)  The first time you get a $20,000 dollar medical bill you can think about the error of your ways.

There is no Dutch person who does not own a bicycle - unless they are crippled or something.  (Being in the USA and crippled myself I don't have to go with the 'disabled' or 'handy-capable' PC bullshit.  Hey - you clicked the button to get in here - don't look at me like that!)

This is a typical Dutch bike.  It does not have any of the 'bells and whistles' bikes in the USA do and looks pretty sucky.  All of the bikes do.  I suspect this is because of the large amount of bikes stolen and resold within the country.

The Dutch (and most Europeans other than perhaps the Germans who are strangely silent on this topic) are horrified by the amount of violence that goes on in the USA.  It probably doesn't help when I say things like "Sure the people in the USA are violent.  Hell, we love it so much we export that shit!"

Although I'm guessing they exist somewhere, I've not yet seen any Dutch who are wildly dressed.  Distressed jeans seems to be the most wild they go for.  Overall, they are pretty 'straight laced' for a modern country.  I am keeping my eyes open for the ones who have gone a more freaky path but in the days I've been here, not one.


As I've gotten older, I notice some of the things I say get me looked at in a certain way.  A certain 'are you actually insane?' sort of way.  Here are a few:

"Home is where the pepper grinder is."
"A house just isn't a home without a pepper mill."
"Electricity is the only thing that separates us from the common cheetah."
"I had a relationship with my coworkers like police have with criminals."
"Where the fuck am I?  I mean country?  Am I in a country?  If so, which one?"


Blowing a drake can be traumatic.

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