GOTCHA, WALDO

JASON P IN THE PHILIPPINES

An introduction on Jason.  I first met him when he was something like fifteen or sixteen years old.  We'd do tabletop roleplaying games together back in the heady days of the 'Swamp House'.  I've no idea why his mother thought it was OK to drop her teenager off with the creepy guy who lived in the swamp (me) but we've been friends for something like two decades.

Life went by as it often does and Jason met and fell in love with a nice girl named Julie.  Julie lives in the USA but her extended family lives in Philippines.  And I do mean 'extended'.  At fairly regular intervals, Jason and his wife - and now his child - go to Philippines to visit them.  Their extended family lives in the southern part of the islands.

The author and his immediate family.

Repeated visits and a huge family to find out information from have given Jason a lot of insight into these islands and he has been kind enough to share it with us and permit it to be published in the blog.

I'm hoping that other people who regularly travel and have insight into other lands will be compelled - nay, forced - into making contributions to the blog.

Let's see what Jason has to say about Philippines:



Manila

Traffic! Manila is a massive sprawl that is bustling at all hours. We arrived at the airport shortly after midnight and I was amazed at how busy the streets and sidewalks were.

 Manila is very commercialized with signage everywhere, more so than the U.S. in some ways. Kind of reminds me of the 'cityscapes' in Bladerunner. Manila is a giant city, as big and crowded as any international city. The sprawl is even larger and more populated than the Chicago metro.

You don't go anywhere quickly. Manila has the good sense to ban tricycles in certain areas so cars and trucks can actually reach top speeds over 25kmh, but there are so many vehicles on the main streets and highways. In the provinces it’s a constant battle with tricycles though. Manila competes for worse traffic world-wide, for sure.

General Santos City

Beautiful, lush, dirty and dusty all at the same time. Mindanao is a drier part of the country so it's a very tropical environment without being as wet as the northern provinces. November to May is the dry season, and probably the best time to visit.


Prices

Cheap labor. Minimum wage is about 450 pesos, $9-10 a day, and probably not enforced in many places, so many services are cheap by western standards. Personal servants, or helpers, are usually paid 200-300 day plus room and board. These are usually people that live deep inland and cant find work beyond plantation labor, so they migrate to the towns and work for middle class and wealthy folks. Which in itself is an interesting contrast to the US, where even middle-class folks are usually living paycheck to paycheck and don't have nearly the budget to afford live-in help.

The exchange rate for Pisos to Dollars is about 44-1 right now.


Food

You can easily eat well for 100-300p($3-7) a meal, half that, if you're having a small breakfast and lunch, or eating at local eateries and street diners vs restaurants in the shinier parts of town and in the big shopping malls. Rice is eaten with everything by the locals, even breakfast. If they're not eating rice 3 times a day, they're probably having a bad day.

You can find plenty of local food diners, native food and really cheap prices, or you can go to a mall and get just about anything you can in the US. McDonalds is there, but everything still tastes different, the beef is different than US Angus beef, sweeter almost, coconut oil permeates most other foods, most breads will have some coconut oil. You can find Indian food, Chinese, Italian and others too if you have a foreign craving, but they all have a local twist.


Alcohol

Can of beer 30-40p. San Miguel is good, as good as any western lager. 5th of tanduay rum for 60p. A liter, for about 200p. Western favorites can still be had at western prices too.


Real estate

Lodging can be had at any price point you desire, from $5 day on up depending on quality. You could rent a room house or apartment monthly fairly easily for $50-$350/mo depending on the build out and neighborhood and security level you're comfortable with.

I can see why the Philippines is attractive to retirees and expats. You can build or buy a home at any price range, from $20k on up. The challenge though is, you can't really own real estate or a business, with any real legal protection, unless you have family or a spouse, and hold titles in their name. You can still sign leases, you can open up utilities, and construct buildings on your lease, but you'll always require a local you trust to partner with for ownership of land or business permits.

Medicine, Services

Medicine for colds and coughs seems reasonable. 5-10p a dose. We typically get a little cough and runny nose the first couple days we’re there, probably just adjusting to local environment. Pharmacies are everywhere and can probably provide most things. I’m not sure how well most prescriptions are filled though.

Hospitals and clinics are available if you're really bad off.  Groceries, and markets are abundant, if you’re preparing some of your own food in a kitchen, you can easily eat for $3-5/day.

Haircuts 35p at the barber shop. Spa treatments and Massage are 200-400p on average. Professional quality places even by US standards, with comfortable lounge area’s and good service, they’ll wash your feet and serve tea.


Transport

Transportation is cheap. Tricycles are dominant mode of transport everywhere, and about 10p, per person around town. Jeepney about 15-20p. Car Taxi about 50p. More expensive rentals to be had as well. If you can afford your own car or truck, you don't go anywhere quickly, only as fast as the tricycle in front of you.

GenSan to Manila is about 1 hour 45 mins by plane. Airports are readily available throughout the big islands in the Philippines. Most are hot and no AC, but otherwise same typical process as in the States. Porters are every where though. 10p per bag plus whatever tip you're comfortable with. I usually tip 50-100p, they'll expect it from westerners but it's not mandatory. With such a favorable exchange rate I don't mind, and I'm typically traveling like a merchant caravan anyway, carrying a couple hundred pounds of pasalubong back and forth, both ways, so porters earn their pay with me.


Expats and Logan-Type Travelers

There are a lot of Western expats in GenSan, most of them are in their 50's or older, it's pretty rare to see a white guy under 60. Some of them are simply retiree's, some have relocated, or fled perhaps, making the most out of their pensions, some have done quite well and own farms and businesses with their families.

Backpackers are far less common in GenSan though, most brave enough to venture into Mindanao stick to Davao City, which is safer with far more tourist locations and resorts. Driving to Davao by air conditioned bus to and from GenSan is about 250-300p, and only takes 3-4 hours, it’s a beautiful ride too.

Davao City is one of the larger cities in the Philippines, and is probably one of the best places to visit as a foreigner, where its safer, yet not as commercialized as Cebu and Manila. Davao would be my recommendation if Logan wanted to try a couple months in the Philippines. Cebu, or Subik Bay in the north, being a close 2nd.


General thoughts on General Santos

As in most 3rd world areas,as a westerner, you're a target as soon as you step off the plane, avoid any flash and dress down. You're a novelty to everyone in the provincial areas so you'll be stared at wherever you go, but it’s not really impolite to stare, just stare back, nod and they'll probably start smiling at you. You’ll probably find that most Filipinos would want to talk to you and will enjoy getting a chance to talk with a westerner.

The average worker here is probably making $5 a day. You're carrying items on you that potentially equate to a years worth of wages to many folks, so don't let your guard down in public and exercise your usual caution. All the security precautions you write about will undoubtedly be put to the test here.

In public, Filipinos are more curious and friendly, in general, compared to the U.S. Its very easy to engage strangers in conversation and polite small talk. Most Filipinos have some skill in English and many are fluent so it's not hard to communicate and find what you need. In fact much of the signage and marketing is done in English, so it's very American friendly when it comes to finding what you need.

I get the feeling I'm in the tropical version of the Wild West of the frontier days due the lack of police presence . In fact, I rarely see any police, they don't patrol like they do in the US, and there are probably far fewer of them. Generally you'll see police, or military guarding checkpoints in and out cities along the main roads.

You see a lot of armed guards everywhere though, private contractors, that are generally protecting malls and larger business interests. Some of these guys are armed with some rather questionable weapons for crowded public spaces. Shotguns and Uzi's, for example, on a 20 year old kid. I'm in position to argue.

The glaring poverty is so casually mixed among wealth and modern tech and exotic landscapes, and makes for a very alien environment for a guy who rarely steps out past the suburbs of Illinois.

Thank you very much to Jason P for this look at Philippines!

Remember if YOU (yes, you) would like to submit something, go for it.  I can't guarantee much editing (not an editor) but I can copy paste it in.  If you submit pics, expect to see many of them in.  Do not submit 'Logan only' pics with the batch you send your article with or you may discover I have no discernment.



GEORGE TOWN TO KRABI TOWN

I decided to go with my buddy Chris to Krabi Town (Thailand).  Figured it would be nice to travel with someone else for a week or two and just hang out for a bit.

It ended up that he wanted to leave George Town about a week earlier than I'd expected.

Since I was still recovering from dengue, this was a bit of a bitch.  He kept turning around asking me if I wanted to sit down and rest.

When we had made our way through the port and over to the train, I wrung out my bandana three times and there was still more sweat within.  The puddle of sweat on the floor of the nice train station was a bit funny though.

The worst thing was having periodic bouts of dizziness.  Especially when walking up stairs.  That was my favorite.

Despite what many people told me about the train (Malaysian trains are better!) this turned out to be a complete lie.  It was exactly the same fucking train.  Indeed, we even had to buy an ongoing ticket for the border to Hat Yai.

Yes, I had to go back to the 'what the fuck are we doing here' town of Hat Yai.

Fortunately, it was just one night.

Early (seven) in the morning, we hopped a baht bus (think pickup truck with a roof in the back) for the bus station.

After waiting around for an hour there, we got into the cramped mini van and drove to Krabi.

My first thought upon arriving was 'why the fuck would anyone come here?'

This seems to be another 'way point'.   Not the kind of place anyone comes willingly but they come here in order to get somewhere better.  Even the places to stay we checked out (about five) really sucked ass.  Who can't put a fucking table in the room, really?  Yes, Chris and I managed to find one with a table eventually.


So now I'm back in fucking Thailand.

The town of Krabi seems completely uninteresting.

So, I'm going to hang out for a bit (have a one month visa) and see what I want to do here.

My guess is that I will be buying a plane ticket soon but I have been proven wrong so many times before.

Still interested in getting over to Indonesia but there are several places within striking distance.


In answer to those who are wondering about my physical condition, this is the slow recovery time.  I'm drinking a lot of water and anything else I can get hold of.



PRICES

Within Hat Yai - train station to the bus station to Krabi via 'baht bus', 100 baht.

Very cramped mini van from Hat Yai to Krabi Town, less than 300 baht.  Takes four hours including a fifteen minute stop over.  It seemed to take a lot longer than four hours.  So much longer.

MALAYSIA, THE BOX FACTORY

TRAIN FROM HAT YAI (THAILAND) TO PENANG (MALAYSIA)

I really liked the train station in Hat Yai.  It was almost cozy.

Unfortunately, the train turned out to be as well.

If you are going to Penang, you have to go way down to one end of the train to embark.  Turns out that later, they unhook the rest of the cars for some reason.

This is not a good thing.

When I first got into one of the only two cars going to my destination, it turns out that not only is it crowded but the beds people have recently vacated are still set up.  The train workers aren't very quick about converting those back into seats.

So it was a cluster fuck.

There were also an older couple of rude American tourists on the train.  They didn't want to share their seats because others didn't have to...  The usual entitled bullshit.  Fortunately, they got stung by karma soon after.  [Note, Logan doesn't really believe in karma but it helps illustrate the point.  The hope someone  will get stung by karma is done by people incapable of dishing out retribution on their own.]

Met up with four nice backpackers who I ended up visiting with on the way down.  They had made the mistake of leaving a lot of their stuff on a completely empty abandoned beach while they went and played in the water.  When they came back, everything - including clothing, electronics, etc was gone.  This is always a thought I have before going swimming - where do I leave my shit so it doesn't get stolen?  On the beach - even if it seems abandoned - is not a good idea.  "Haven't you guys ever watched slasher flicks?"  I asked.  "Bunch of sexy teens down on an abandoned beach - I mean - wow."  They agreed it could have been worse plus their travelers insurance covered all of their losses.  But now they are a bit wiser, a bit more wary.

After an hour, the train arrived at the border.  "Take off all of your stuff!" we were told.  Since the tickets had no seat reservations, this meant that no seats were reserved.

Customs was a very fast breeze.  There were various people along the way to guide the crowd along.  Stamp here, stamp there.  I was heading toward the exit when one of the bag searchers - I routinely ignore them unless they stop me - asked me to open up my bag.

Her nose wrinkled as I pulled out the top bag - the dirty laundry.  "Just clothes in there?"  Yes, I replied.  And that was the end of the search.

Dirty laundry always goes on top.

Everyone got back on the train.  At last, the all four of the young tourists had seats and the rude Americans got to wander around and hope someone was nice enough to let them share a seat with them.

After three or four hours and a time zone change, we arrived in Butterworth, Penang.  As I exited the train station (which was designed by a mad man) immediately a sleazy cab driver popped up and asked if he could rob me.

I had to do the Archer "Nooope!" about five times - pretty much to anything he said - until he fucked off and went away.  Then I discovered right outside the door a free van to take us all to the ferry was pulling up.

That'll do.

They managed to wedge me and all my shit into the van and took us the short distance to the ferry.  I would guess from the time I left the train station until the ferry took off was about fifteen minutes.  I was impressed.



BASE CAMP

It appears my luck is holding.

Obviously, my luck comes from the fact that in the USA people are yelling 'Irish' and getting as drunk as possible.  People in Ireland itself don't celebrate that day nearly as hard.

When I got in to town with two hours of sleep and my body threatening to shut down, I went on the tour of different places to sleep.

I questioned various people, tourists and locals, "Where do all the tourists stay" to get directed to the general location.  Holy shit, there are a lot of tourists here.  Why, I am not sure but this is the kind of place people are bringing their babies to.

Once in the tourist district, I  went on a tour of some full places as well as a couple that were so sleazy you'd expect to find several dead hookers already stashed there.  I'm talking over the top shitty with beds nearly in the shape of a 'U', wildly dirty sheets, no screens and partially broken off windows.  Took a look at them and wondered how people could possibly be charging $10 per night to have anyone stay there.  Wouldn't want to stay there if they were paying me $10 per night.

If you push the mattress off the box spring, you get to find something my buddy Matt hid.

Eventually came to a place that seems a bit pricey at $17 and small but seems to be the best.  Turns out there are a few expats staying here and they assured me this is the best for the money they've found.

The only downsides I've found thus far are that they apparently will rent rooms to families with little kids.  This sucks simply because - like most places - there is no soundproofing at all.  Also, after midnight the guy in charge of the desk crashes in the foyer.  It would be much better if I had my own balcony (or a common balcony) to smoke on.  Since I don't, I get to go into that room while he's sleeping.  Part of the disadvantage to my schedule of staying up till three in the morning and sleeping till noon.  Honestly, there is no good reason to get up in the morning.

Current hotel cost is 65 ringgits.  This is still a bit high at $17.55.  Without AC (which I haven't turned on yet) the cost goes down to 55 ($14.85).  I planted seeds of 45 ($12.55) in the guy who is running the places head if I end up staying for a week.  If I can get it down to even $15 a week and figure out where to eat that won't cost 20-30 ($5.40 to $8.10) and keep it at around 10 ($2.70) that would be great.  If I can do that, I'll probably stay in this town for awhile.

Note, none of that shit happened.  His 'ability to negotiate' was adjusting the price by the value of a cheap cup of coffee.  Not worth it to be locked into a town that seems to have all the thrills of a tour of the local box factory in the Simpsons.

But, it's a base of operations from which to explore the town.  Dull, dull town.  Which is amazingly hot right now.

Don't get me wrong - I firmly believe that people who bitch both when it gets too hot and too cold are just whiny pussies.  Pick one temperature you like and stick to it.  Or grow a brain big enough to figure out how to make the money to get multiple homes.

I picked 'fuck the cold'.  Totally OK with hot.  However, you have to respect the heat.  Malaysians don't go out nearly as often during the middle of the day and I'm working on re-tuning my schedule to match theirs.  Everyone goes out at night because the heat is brutal during the day.

When I say brutal, I mean "I think it may be physically dangerous for me to spend too much time in the sun here."  Not "I am too lazy to move and want to bitch about the weather."

It's quite a switch from South Africa where if you go out at night you might die.

Dying from the heat is bad but there are other brutal ways to go.

OTHER NEARBY PLACES

There is some island north of here (I forget the name - probably Langkawi - but you can get a ferry there) which is 'duty free'.   That sounded nice until I talked to expats about it.  Everything else there is more expensive - including the already overpriced hotels.  In addition, the city is very spread out so a taxi is required to go anywhere.

Doesn't sound like you'll save much money to me - probably why all of the Malaysians go to Thailand to drink.



TRAVELER'S TIPS

Always make friends with (or at least be super cordial to) people on the train.  It makes the journey better, they can watch your luggage for you and may even save you a seat as the nice group of young tourists did for me.


If you don't have the nicer giant zipper opens the whole backpack and instead have the 'dig like a badger' model, stinky dirty clothing always goes on top.  Period.

Need help committing suicide?  There is help.  Oh - wait - just read the last line.  Never mind.

PRICES

Well, it's more challenging anyway...

Lodging:  Dorm, 25-35R, room about 25R for 'good to bang a hooker in only if she isn't picky' to 55R for a decent room, 65R with AC.  This is for a tiny room.  It's very easy to spend 100R+ on lodging.

Food:  Prepared who knows when and served to you cold meals, 10R.  Actually cooked (or at least warmed) when you order them, two to five times that amount.

Cigarettes:  13.50R

White coffee:  This famous in Malaysia drink tastes horrible to Logan.  A complex flavor of crap.  6R.

Ferry from Butterworth to Penang: under 2R.  Note that the guy in the booth does not cell you the ticket - he just gives you change which you use to get through the turnstile.

HAT YAI, DAY 2

DAY 2

Despite the air in my hotel room smelling like a few nicotine addicts came here to die, I've decided to try to put in some time here in this city.

The ancient hotel couldn't be in a better location.  Around one of the sides is a shopping center.  Within it are six or eight tiny restaurants where one can get a full meal for under 40 baht.  That's about $1.30.   There are several semi-street vendors (call it street vendors with tables) that sell meals for 50 baht.  Coffee, 15 baht.

I should be able to survive here and save some money.

Following one of the things taught to me by Adam, my travel mentor - don't waste your visa.

Because the only chair in the room I rented is better suited for a child and trying to prop myself on the bed was so uncomfortable for my back I needed to go buy a chair.  Got one for 400 baht - cheap plastic.  Hopefully, it won't break before I leave.

Not sure how long I will spend here but it could be three weeks or even a bit longer.

If I can keep my costs low enough I'm going to try to save some money.

Yes.  Every single bill has a picture of the king on it.  Did I mention Thai people revere their king?  Same way people in South Africa revere Nelson Mandela.  But more.

From Wikitravel:  "Hat Yai (หาดใหญ่; also Had Yai, Hadyai) is the fourth largest city in Thailand and is located on the Southern Gulf Coast. It is an extremely popular tourist spot for Malaysians and Singaporeans on holiday. It's best avoided if you are looking to get off the beaten path. Prices are high because of the Malaysian and Singaporean tourists. This place does not have many Western visitors."

Compared to the town before, the prices here are quite reasonable.

Why the fuck anyone would come here for a holiday eludes me.  I'm guessing if the people are from Malaysia and Singapore, they may be here to drink alcohol.  Those countries seem to allow religion to get in the way of profit.  Strange.

Reading through the entire wikitravel on Hat Yai still doesn't answer the question of why anyone would come here for vacation.  The city seems pretty typical - nothing special.

While I was shopping for shoes and not finding any (tiny, tiny people here) I came across a Malaysian man and questioned him.  He said that there use to be (not currently) a very favorable exchange rate between Malaysia and Thailand.  Their money could go further.  So, they come here to shop.  And drink because their countries are Muslim and they tax the shit out of alcohol.



THAI QUALITY

I'd heard a LOT about how much better the quality of merchandise in Thailand was - compared to Cambodia.

Went to a fancy department store (Robinson) and bought a bag.

Made it through a good 13 hours before one of the zippers snapped off.  I realize I am hard on gear but less than a day is a whole lot of 'what the fuck'.  Take it back you say?  Really?

Decided, what the hell and did.

Holy shit - it worked.

I didn't even have my receipt.

Took about twenty minutes to get them interested in the idea but when you have a whole lot of time and just keep talking...



LAUNDRY

Found out there is a 'do it your own damn self' laundry place here.  To wash, dry and buy soap all total will cost about 100 baht.  Reasonable price but it will be two hours of sitting and smoking to look forward to.

Still, it beats doing it in the hotel room especially since they won't dry out quickly at all.  After I get my new pants I'll take my stuff over there and try out the machines.



7-11

There seem to be more 7-11 stores in Thailand (possibly in Singapore and Malaysia as well, not sure yet) than I remember seeing in the USA.  Here in Thailand, they have good deals on things as well.  Hell, you can buy a cheap packaged meal here that you'd eat as opposed to ones in the USA that frankly you would not.

Er...go USA?

Q & A

Because nobody writes in with questions I decided to make up some of my own.

Q:  Hi Logan!  I'm on a gluten free diet - what do you suggest for traveling?
A:  Stay home.

Q:  I'm curious what the oil they use for cooking is.
A:  Unless you are fluent in the language of the person doing the cooking, you cannot get an answer.  If you are, she or he will say "I just use the stuff in the big can marked 'oil'."  They probably have no clue where it came from, how old it is or how many Chinese Dynasties used the same oil before it ended up on their shelves.  Just eat and pay.

Q:  I don't know if I could eat street food!
A:  I use to have the crusts cut off of my bread when I was little.  I got over it.  Look at it this way - the kitchens are probably cleaner than the ones you don't see because everyone can see them.  If they look bad the locals won't eat there.

If you have any questions for Logan, be sure to either put them in the comments section (below) or contact him on Facebook.  If Logan feels like it, he will put a copy of the question with the answer in the next blog.



EXFILTRATION

Despite wanting to stay here for awhile, I always like to find out how to get out early.

According to wikitravel:  International Express leaves Hat Yai for Butterworth near Penang daily at 05:50 and "Note that Malaysian time is one hour ahead of Thai time: noon in Thailand is 13:00 in Malaysia. Be sure and check the departure time on your ticket as many tickets have Malaysian departure times even though Hat Yai is in Thailand."

That sounds like some of the weird shit they did in Russia awhile back.  Wasn't everyone suppose to be on Moscow time despite Russia spanning a bunch of time zones?

Cost seems to be about 35 ringgit (Malaysian) or $10 USD by bus.  Will find out about train fare.  Three hours plus border.  Curious as to how they do the border here if crossing by train.  Do you offload with your luggage to get it scanned then reload?

Other sources on wikitravel say minivans are about 400 baht.

A Malaysian I spoke with suggested getting Malaysian trains instead of the older, shakier Thai trains.  I'm going to go to the train station later to look into this and will report costs here.



COSTS

Cheap meal (street food or street food +), 30-60 baht
Coffee, 15 baht
Cheap plastic chair, 400 baht
7-11 22 oz drink, 25 baht
Guest house which if it had a 'hay day' was before I was born, 400 baht

RAZY LACISM

A RACIST GAME FOR YOU TO PLAY

I was directed to a store called "Low-Bee-San".  I double checked twice on the pronunciation.   See if you can guess what name it really is.  Hints:  Not that uncommon of a last name for white people, also there is a song containing it from the ancient days before MP3's.

The answer to this will appear later in the blog.

Also, I found that if I pronounce it correctly, the locals have no idea what I am talking about.



SIEM REAP, CAMBODIA

It's always funny to me how judgmental travelers are of other travelers.

Unless you are doing the stuff they think should be done by other travelers, you are clearly wrong.

I was talking to a Dutch guy I'd met at Viva (the Mexican restaurant).  He asked me "Why did you come to Siem Reap?"

"To drink.  And eat Mexican food."

He's the kind of guy who likes to do 'home stays', eat a lot of local food and so on.

I explained that I've been traveling long enough that I've done all of those things at some time - I just like eating and drinking at that particular restaurant.

And...did I mention where I'd met this guy?


The last night I was staying at the guesthouse I'd been at for three weeks, Mr. Reeet had what started as a small party and quickly blossomed into lots of locals and foreigners.

While I was talking to one of the other guests, she asked how I was able to do something or other.

"Because I am Logan!"

She responded with an emphatic "Fuck you, Logan!"

I just grinned at here.  Should have gone the full Eddy Murphy though.



As I was packing up to leave, my Central American pants finally collapsed into a black hole and pulled themselves through to the other side.  It was sad.  After a couple seconds of mourning, I tossed them in the bin.  That leaves me only with the extremely durable wrap pants.   (See The Harpy & The Hag for all your wrap pants and clothing needs!  Still, one pair of pants is just not enough.  I knew I'd be stuck getting some in Thailand.



When I left on the $28 dollar 'big, fancy' bus it was neither so big nor as fancy as I'd hoped.  The seats weren't as large (or Logan is getting LARGER) and there was no real space in the over head rack.

Managed to get two seats to myself as they had the space and I asked the attendant if it would be OK to move.



BORDER - CAMBODIA / THAILAND

The best thing about the expensive bus is that you get a small placard to wear when you get off the bus at the border.  This lets the bus know who you are.

It also acts as a magical talisman and lets all of the border scam artists (there are many) know you are already with a certain bus.  Rather than attempting to scam you, they just indicate which direction you should be going.

For people unfamiliar with the border or travel, this itself is worth the extra money.

If you don't wear the bus talisman, you can always print out one of these to wear.  Not sure if it will help - let me know.

Unless you can find and hire one of the rare individuals with a push cart, you will be carrying all of your luggage about half a kilometer.  If you can't carry your stuff (by yourself) that far, you shouldn't have the stuff you do.  Oh - and there are some stairs to lug your stuff up.  Did I mention the unnecessary stairs?

Once there, I got a thirty day visa.

This confused me for two reasons though I failed to bring up either to the nice border guard.  First, I had read that people crossing the border by land received only a two week visa.  Second, I thought there was a thirty dollar or so cost for the visa.

I did notice he looked at one of my old Thai visas and seemed happy with that.

And so long as he is happy, I am happy.



BANGKOK, THAILAND

As expected, the bus dropped everyone off at Mo Chit ("Not enough Chit, damnit!  I need mo!") bus station.

Met up with a couple from the same bus.  They saw me dismiss a couple taxi drivers with phrases like "I don't even want to talk to you any more!" and asked what was up.

I was getting a lot of quotes to take me to the train station ranging between 500-800 Bhat.  Didn't want to tell people "Fuck off, thief!" but I was clearly showing my displeasure with them.

"Look", I told them "If you don't want to get ripped off, you have to leave the bus station area.  I am out of here."

They walked with me as far as an ATM (not far) but then the guy announced he wasn't walking "All the way to the road - it was too far."

These were young, healthy people.  As people who are familiar with me know, I have serious medical problems that make it so I can't even stand up straight.  On top of my numerous back problems (not helped by hauling 20KG plus of shit), my legs have swollen up with blood and one foot hurts like I sprained it, causing me to limp.  And I'm lazy.

And these young, healthy people think it's "too far"?

Pussies.

You've got to harden the fuck up a bit to travel.  I don't consider myself all that rugged.  Another thing is I have less money than common sense.  Well, I don't have much money at any rate.  Fuck it, I'm poor.  But why pay double to these rogues?

Ended up not making it all the way to the road before a 'meter taxi' picked me up and informed me it would be 200 bhat.

They do have a place where you can catch 'metered taxis' (ones that use the meter rather than shaft you deep and repeatedly) but there was such a huge line for them and they came so rarely it wasn't even something I considered.

So I decided to take the metered taxi.

And ended up back in the Bourne Identity.

For those who don't know, when I was young (and could literally turn my head) I did a bit of stupid stuff in cars.  High speed chases, car tag (where you bump the other car to tell them 'they are it') and so on.  I've rolled a car and gone through many cars.  No idea how many.  Got taught how to do a PIT Maneuver and so on.

When I got into this guy's taxi, he made me feel right at home.

This was the most aggressive driving I'd come across in a long time.  He didn't quite push people out of the way but did his best to make them want to get out of his way.  Oncoming traffic?  Sure - swerve into that shit.  We didn't quite go up on the sidewalk.  Had they been as small of curbs as in the US and not filled with various merchant's wares I'm sure it would have happened.  But they are steep in countries like this for a reason.

Because I've accepted death as my constant companion (as I typed this I was nearly fatally struck by a car today) and inevitable end, I didn't whine or clutch at the 'Jesus handles'.  Just figured we were making good time and planning my escape if we crashed.

We didn't quite 'drift race' but we did skid to a halt outside the train station.   The meter was only at 150 bhat or so for the half hour race of death but I just gave him the 200 baht he mentioned at the beginning.  He'd earned the tip.

Got on to the train.

When you have the sleepers (even if your trip is brief) you end up sitting across from the people who have the other cot.  There are no compartments.

It was a mother and daughter.  Despite my offering some Pringles, they were both terrified of me and wandered around the train until it was sleep time.

Not nearly so good at making friends as M&M's.

Food does not come with your train ticket.  Your choices include buying whatever crap they bring by (all the same) or ordering off the menu.

I was very excited after they brought me a menu in both Thai and English.  Thai is one of those languages that only people from here or fairly serious about staying in Thailand people bother to learn.  In other words, nearly no one.

Since there was no sign of the mother and kid from the seats facing mine, they set up the small table turning the seats into a booth.

Yeah.  Good fucking luck with that.

Here is the difference, pictorially, between Cambodian food and Thai food.

Cambodian bus food.

Thai train food.  The stuff I really liked was kept warm under the pineapple desert.

Above is the six dollar 'set meal'.  It was amazing.  Better than I've had at many restaurants.  "I don't know what this side dish I'm eating is and have never had it but it was so fucking good I'm spending a moment of silence when it is done in mourning" type of good.

The train appeared to be the 'non-Express' train despite it's name but after the first couple stops kicked in at a good rate.  It was noisy and bumpy.

Not something I felt I could sleep in.

But the journey was only five hours or so.

At seven PM I was told I either got to crawl up in the top bunk (yeah, right) or that I should go to the dining car.

Wait - there's a dining car?

And I could smoke in there.  And drink coffee.

I passed the rest of my trip chatting with train workers, the restaurant staff and armed railway police.  It was excellent.

In both of the Thai trains I've been on, the dining car hours are roughly five in the morning until ten at night.  Despite people getting on at various stops, they really haven't figured out shift work and such here.  Presumably, the staff crashes in the dining car.  The dining car is like a bumpy wind tunnel with all the windows down.  Very retro - very 1980's.


Here's an important safety tip - don't get up and go to the doors leading out until the train has come to a complete and final stop.  Unlike European trains, there isn't much room in there and the train staff told me that pretty much every day someone falls out.  Sometimes they're just injured.  Other times, they break their back or even die.  The train often jerks like a bucking bronco when it comes to it's final stop.  No Americans, you don't get to sue them.  They'd just say "Why you stupid and stand near open door?  You lucky they took you to hospital you so stupid."

Don't be a warning to others.

HUA HIN, THAILAND

14 hours of non stop travel including a 'fancy bus' that wasn't, an insane taxi driver who didn't mind doing stuff I'd previously seen mainly in American movie chase scenes, a train and a bit of walking have brought me to a beach town in Thailand. As soon as I spotted the Burger King and McDonalds I said "Logan, you done fucked up". This town is way too mainstream, hence expensive. Right now I am staying at a $15 shit hole crawling with mosquitoes with 'suspicious stains' on the pillow. I'm going to wander around tomorrow and look for a better spot if I can find one. Probably see the town for at least a day or two. Maybe even eat some Burger King's.

Got to BK's just before the changing of the menu.  Unlike in the states where if you want a burger one second after the restaurant has opened, in the rest of the world you wait until lunch time.  Who could possibly want a burger in the morning?  Besides Americans?

The self loathing is related to the patriotism?  Or is it indigestion?

After the fifteen hours of hell by bus, I decided another twelve by train would be just the thing.  Anything to escape Hua Hin.

It is so expensive there that the tuk tuk drivers won't negotiate.  They look disgusted at any offers less than 100 baht even for a three block ride.  Amazing.

500 baht gets you a tiny tiny room.  There is mosquito netting on some - but not all of the windows.  There is no mattress - just a box spring.  Talking to some other tourists who stayed at different places, I found out they also had no mattresses.   Why they do this is unknown.  And who gets the mattresses?

So what did Logan think of Hua Hin?  The world may never know.

Could Hua Hin have spirit?  Almost certainly.  Spirit beyond "Hey, give me money foreigner?"  Perhaps?



TRAIN HUA HIN TO HAT YAI

Leaves either in the middle of the night or supposedly at 17:17 to arrive at 06:00.

Deciding seven hours hanging out at the train station with all of my bags sounded outstanding.

The train actually arrived at 18:30.

Unsurprisingly, some random tourist took the time to tell me "This train is shit - it came an hour late."  Rather than explain to him I knew and had been waiting the extra hour I smiled and nodded then got on the train.  I didn't mind it arriving an hour late as that should put me in closer to seven.  Note, it ended up being a bit after 08:30 - apparently it is becoming later and later.



HAT YAI

Irony places a surprisingly large part in my life.  This is probably ironic.

The first place I went to I ended up staying - after visiting half a dozen others.  This place is fairly shabby but the others ranged from "You want HOW MUCH for a room?  I don't want to buy the room, just rent it!" to "So you are supplemented by the government to keep prisoners here?"

They have one hostel in town (Hat Yai Hostel - no points for creativity there) but the rooms are basic.  When I say basic I mean they couldn't throw in a table and fucking chair.  Not sure why anyone would ever stay in their private room.  For the same money or a dollar and a half more you can get much better.

With my Stupidcard¹ in hand, covered in sweat, unwashed for a day and smelling like it, I took to the streets to find a tailor.

I did - but it's pretty crazy expensive.  I tried to get the same kind of cloth (cotton) that my wrap pants are made from but I am getting charged a bunch extra because "You so fat!"

Fortunately, I found a bunch of places I can eat for about a dollar and a half so I'll be doing that for a bit.



RACIST GAME - ANSWER!

Remember the game before where you had to guess what the locals really meant by "Low-Bee-San"?

The answer is "Robinson".

Yeah.  That one baffled me to when a guy was pointing at the sign saying "You see?  You see?"

Want extra fun?

Watch THIS video.  Any time they say "Robinson", say "Low-Bee-San" in a mechanical voice.

Is it possible to remain sad after doing so?  I doubt it.

And to end with an alarming thought - what if the Thais are the ones actually pronouncing it correctly and in America we've been fucking it up for years?

Mind...blown.

Full credit to Jimmy Carr for the title of this blog.  Go buy his stuff.  I mean anything.  Even if people just robbed his house and are selling his shit on the street - buy it.



DESCRIPTION OF THE BLOG

From the incomparable Kevin D:

"I suggest getting a tetanus shot and wearing rubber gloves before reading any of his articles. The best description of his blog is the T.V. series "An Idiot Abroad| mixed with "Monty Pythons Flying Circus," basically the ramblings of a deranged mind that to your surprise is not on illegal drugs. It is however best read if you have drank a large quantity of alcohol. I am currently in therapy including shock treatment after reading just two paragraphs of his ramblings. I highly suggest checking it out."

Logan's Voyage is more fun than collecting a pyramid of human skulls.  Well...not really.

A SPECIAL THANKS TO JASON P

He made this.

I'm with the army of the 12 Monkeys!

VIDEOS

Evil Spirits 1, 2
Louis Guest House, Hat Yai - very close to train



PRICES - HUA HIN

Burger King; breakfast $4.  Lunch $10.
Shitty room, 500 baht


PRICES - HAT YAI

Custom tailored pants, 2300 baht.  -30 to -50% if you are one of those skinny people.




¹ A StupidCard is the business card of the hotel you are staying in.  If you don't get one when you check in, you are stupid.  If you get lost, you use it to show locals so they can direct you back where you are staying.  For this reason, the best cards are in the local language rather than English.  A map on the back is less helpful than one would think because usually the locals can't read a map as there is no money to be had in map reading.