CHILLAXING IN BALI

TOURISM IN INDONESIA

From wiki, "In 2011, the number of international tourists arriving in Indonesia climbed 9.24 percent to 7.65 million arrivals from about 7 million in 2010. Length of stay set at 7.84 days by an average spend of US$1,118.26 per visit."  Interesting.



VIDEO (AND PROPANE) KILLED THE RADIO STAR

Some things you wish you could catch on video.  The expression on a womans face at a restaurant.  While she was eating, they were changing the propane tank literally right next to her.  She looked as though she just got a facefull of propane.  The man walking right next to her with the lit cigarette didn't 'lighten' her mood.



MISINFORMATION - MY USUAL CUPPA

Since I've lived for a couple weeks in Bali, I have thought about how much misinformation I received prior to arrival.  You can make up your own mind with the prices I've jotted down but here is generally how I see them thus far:

Lodging is in the $10-$15 range for the 'bottom of the barrel' prices.  You can spend as much more as you want but you really don't get much more for that price.

'Native' food is generally $1-$2 per meal.  Breakfasts are generally included with even the cheapest of rooms.  'Foreign food' will set you back $4 on up, usually with an extra 'fuck you' tax thrown in on top.

Don't buy medicine here, it's amazingly expensive for SE Asia.

There are two different kinds of alcohol - taxed and homemade.  The taxed stuff is not very good and the price is about the same as Thailand and Malasyia - in other words, 'WTF expensive'.   Don't come here to drink, go to Cambodia where it costs less (rather than the same or more) than the USA.  Like in all other countries, the homemade alcohol has the advantage of being very cheap ($1 for a couple hundred ml) and the huge disadvantage of being extremely variable in quality.  It can go anywhere from 'tasty' to 'drinking oil tastes better' to 'may cause blindness or death' (literally).

Treats (candy bars, soda and such) are anywhere from $.60 to $2 on up, depending on what you get.  It is strange but a lot of times it seems that the 'treats' cost more than the native meals.  This isn't a bad way to discourage mid meal snacking.

In general, if a couple were to ask me how much they'd be spending per day in Bali, I would say that if you are spending over $50 USD (fully inclusive) you either a) are blowing through money  b) getting ripped off on prices  c) doing interesting stuff like SCUBA diving.  I can't see a couple spending more than $100-$200 per day unless they've just gone insane.



PHILIPPINES PRELIMINARY PLAN

Only brain damaged people (IMO) purchase tickets before they need them.  In my experience these people seem to spend a lot more time on the phone trying to adjust the times of departure for their tickets than the money they've saved.  I will not be pre-purchasing tickets.

I have, however, come up with a general course once I've gotten into the Philippines.  This is based on some research I've done on Wikitravel.  This might be wildly altered once I get into the country if I discover somewhere else I want to go, join up with other travelers or whatever.  These are just cities I've looked at and said 'they seem somewhat interesting and lo, they have cheap places to stay within them'.

Start-> Davao -> Cagayan de Oro -> Cebu -> Vigan -> Out (probably back to Bangkok with a bus ride over to Phnom Phen to go look for my medicines at a couple of pharmacies I may be able to locate there.  Or head over to Siem Reap, which I like better.

Since Philippines looks like a wild place full of islands with resulting ferry rides, this won't be easy.

It is possible to fly from Bali straight to Davao - if I want to give up USD 450.  But I don't.  I'm going to do more research to see if there is anything worth seeing between Bali and Philippines.



BALI - WHAT'S GOING ON NOW

Honest to god, I've gotten sucked into Bali.  I'm just 'chillaxing' (a new word made by hippies, I suspect) here.  It's a really nice spot I've got and I'm getting everything I can out of it before moving on.  In other words, I KNOW I've got it good here so here I sit whilst planning my eventual takover of the world, and so on.  If the place I was in had wifi I'd be even more tempted to just stay longer.  Yes, I go use wifi at internet cafes, restaurants and such but it's just not the same as leaving my computer on 'do massive download of shows while I sleep for the next couple weeks so I have new entertainment'.



QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I wouldn't have known she was Jewish if she had dropped the subject." - Kim



EXPATS

Before I left the states, I'd read up on expats.  These are people who have 'expatriated' from their home country and gone to live in a different country.  Most couples who expat fail.  From the stats I read, it is usually the wife who misses her relatives (whom she rarely sees anyway) or familiar turf and wants to move back.

If memory serves, the 'failure rate' is about half or more.  Sad, but they should have tried it for a year or two before to see if they liked it.  PPPPPP, as they say in the military.  Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance.

Of the expats I've seen that 'made it' (ie are living happily in their new chosen country) I've noticed quite a change from the people in the US who are just old and marking time till death.  The expats I've seen in foreign countries I would describe as 'lively', 'with it' and even 'spry'.  For these expats, there is a lot of interesting stuff to discover and new people to interact with.  The two expats whose home I visited and video taped fit into this 'happy' category.

I think it's a better option than 'stay home and rot'.

[Disclaimer:  I realize that some people will say they are more happy in their own country.  If those people have spent extensive time outside of their own country - and off of their own continent - good.  Stay home and be happy.  If the people have not spent extensive time outside of their own country and off of their own continent yet say they are more happy there, ignore them.  They are merely expressing their own ignorance and fear.



ENGLISH BLUNDERS

English is a versitle language.  Humor doesn't translate well.  Foreigners often take what is said literally.  When you are talking to another native speaker, you tend to forget that.  An actual conversation:

Speaker:  "In Bali, they believe dusk is a dangerous time to travel.  Demons can more readily enter your body."

Logan:  "Good.  It'll keep all of the other demons already in my body entertained."

Probably not the best response to make within hearing of people whose English was not perfect.  A lot of wary looks and being cautiously treated after that.



PERFECT HOSTEL

"What makes a good hostel?"  Since the answer is different for everyone, I will instead ask "What is Logan's idea of a perfect hostel?"

From time to time, you find one which has some elements and not others.  Hostels themselves are (or are suppose to be) cheap places for backpackers to stay.  Since they are 'cheap', the choice in the building is more limited.  Moreover, the building itself is usually rented so extensive renovations are impossible and impractical.

Hopefully, this won't come across as too sanctamonious.  I've never in fact owned a hostel (or anything, really) but as a guest, I have certain expectations and hopes.  The more of them a hostel can fulfil, the better.


Vibe:

The better hostels I've stayed at have a simple rule of 'foreigners only'.  Because they are cheap places to stay, you can often get some natives of very questionable repute wishing to have lodgings within their own country simply because it is cheap.  Invariably this has changed the 'vibe' (feel) of the hostel for the guests staying there and never for the better.


Staff:

Something which I've come across in a few (but not enough) hostels is the frequent hiring of long term lodgers onto the staff.  One hostel in which I recently stayed at in Bangkok had a sign "If you are going to be here for two weeks or longer and would like to work for a free bed, see the owner."  In this way, you get people who can speak English and understand backpackers.  This is not always superior to hiring natives but would be an inexpensive addition to the staff.

The one thing I (as an owner) would absolutely demand from the staff is they create less noise than the other guests.  Nothing screams 'shoddy' to me faster than a lot of quiet guests trying to concentrate on other things while the staff members sit around watching a blaring TV.


Security:

So many places are using cheap locks that are easily forced with a screwdriver.  Picking or bumping isn't even needed.  I suggest what I am terming 'Indian locks' - the massive bolt you lock with your own lock.  These are good for private rooms and even the under bed lockers (see below).  Note, I would suggest the hostel owner keep a heavy duty bolt cutter for cutting off the locks of chronicaly stupid and careless people.

The best security I have seen for people's gear is either the lockers that are seperate and large enough for the entire backpack or the large ones that are under the bed.  Under the bottom bunk are two large lockers capable of storing an entire backpack as well as other gear.  The ones which go under the bed have struck me as the more space efficient option.  Clearly, if your beds are the cheap planks (which ocassionally fall out) these will not work.  If you have decent beds, these are fairly secure.


Noise:

Any place next door to construction, a disco, chicken farms, dogs or cats - not a good place to stay.  Unfortunately, in most countries berift of zoning laws you might have a perfectly quiet hostel then wam, the neighbor decides to open a disco and there is nothing at all you can do about it.

Since sound proofing is often cost prohibitive, the more doors and such you can have between your sleeping area and the common area, the better.  I recommend self shutting as well - people live like animals and haven't learned to shut doors.  Rather than spending your time yelling at them or hating them, just get self shutting doors.


Pets:

It runs against common sense to allow any pets on the premises for any reason.  You turn away potential customers who may either dislike or be alergic to the type of animals you have allowed to invest your hostel.  It is a business, not a home - despite you spending time there.  In addition to loss of potential revenue, you also will get dirt, hair and smells from the animal(s).  As far as business moves go, I believe it is a poor one, regardless of how many people croon over the beast.  (See also 'noise' section above.)


Hooks:

The more hooks, the more stuff gets hung up.  If the hooks are arranged in the bathrooms and bedrooms, it makes it easier to hang up your stuff while you shower and so on.  If you have no hooks, people will make hooks.


Laundry Service:

Offering a laundry service that is at or below costs of the outside laundry service is important.  Otherwise,  people will wash their clothing at your place then hang it up and make the place look very trashy.  Also, laundry service can generate extra revenue.  If this is not desired, making some sort of deal with a laundry woman who comes by daily is important.  Another way to do it is to have a washer and several drying lines that the guests can use either free or at a minimal charge.


Stuff left in common areas:

Because many people are unbelievably messy, they like to leave their stuff in a common area used by lots of other people.  You have three choices.  Leave it there to inconvience the rest of the guests as well as make your place look trashy.  You could instead spend your efforts bitching at people to clean up after themselves.  Just because they either had parents that didn't teach them this or they failed to learn it even after years of being bitched at doesn't seem to matter to many people.  I learned my favorite option from Adam.  Throw their shit out, instantly.  There is no asking 'who left this stuff here'.  Indeed, signs posted (and often ignored) in the bathroom tell people that anything left in here will be thrown out instantly.  Let them dig through the garbage can to retrieve their crap.  Since they want to live like Oscar the Grouch (Sesame Street) they can dig through garbage cans like him.  While it may cause them stress initially, I have found that remaining calm and merely pointing at the sign while looking at them in a pitying way to be a great stress relief.  [For those that wish to self righteously ask how it would make me feel to have my stuff thrown out, I would respond that indeed I have messed up, left something in a common area within Adam's domain and got to dig it out of the garbage can later.  I felt greatful they didn't throw anything really messy on top of it.  Also, I was greatful that the bathroom is not clogged up with self righteous, sloppy people's shit.]

In short, I think that it is a lot of little things that make the 'perfect' hostel.  I haven't been to one yet.  I have found places that have more right than wrong with them and tend to stick around when I do.  Even the better hostels can have serious drawbacks like weak toilet seats.


Sturdiness:

The hostel owner must assume that any surface which can be sat upon (or have great weight put upon) will.  I was in a hostel which had an exposed radiator.  It didn't look that sturdy to me.  Before I could say anything, a moron had sat upon it.  Naturally, it broke.  I would suggest either reinforcing these surfaces or decorating them with a fetching (permanently attached) barbed wire to discourage asses.  I realize that may end up with the surface broken and someone else's ass bleeding, but there may be some satisfaction therein.



COSTS:

Bitang 330ml cans, 13,700 IDR

Strange, not very good 'Black Forest Cake', 22,200 IDR

Pringles Wild, 110g 15,600 IDR

Pepsodent Plus G toothpaste, 75g, 4950 IDR

Minute Maid pulpy orange juice drink, 6500 IDR

Piece of extremely shitty apple pie, 17,000 IDR.  Note, do not buy pies in SE Asia.  They are always hugely disappointing.  But like a fool, I do try now and then.

Staff, 1 per expat required by law, $3 per day.  Really.  Some say you must include meals - not sure on this but given the price of food when you have them prepare it themselves even that is pretty much nothing.  Maybe an extra dollar per day.

Major house blessing with party, dancers, music, food, priests, flowers and sleep over for sixty people, $200.

TRAVELER'S TIPS - LODGING

LODGING

As with all of the traveler's tips, I'm going to give my usual disclaimer. You don't have to agree but all of this stuff is working for me and I hope it helps you. [How is that for boiling it down to one sentence?]



One of the biggest pains in visiting a new town or city is finding a place to stay. Some people will use sites like TripAdvisor, Hostelbookers and Wikitravel to find places to stay. They will also swear by booking them in advance.

It is a comfort, they tell me, to have a place already booked in advance. They know where they will be staying and can save a lot of time and head to it. For travelers with more money than time, this makes good sense. You might even get a decent room out of it.

I don't do this. Outside of Europe, the inexpensive places aren't on the internet. My technique is just to write down a few places from Wikitravel that look promising. When I get to the new place, I try to find the tourist area. Usually, all of the guest houses, hostels and restaurants are clustered in one district. Once there, I can get a lay of the land and see what looks good. While it does suck to wander up and down stairs wearing the backpack to see different rooms you find out a lot more information than anything on the internet.

What follows are the steps I use to try to ascertain 'is this a place I want to stay'? You won't always get to do all of the steps. If you know you will only be staying one night and are too exhausted to care, you can gloss over the steps or ignore them.



STEP 1 - THE NEIGHBORHOOD

Before going into the lodging (hotel, guesthouse, hostel, home stay, etc) check out the street and surrounding areas. Are there signs of construction? Bars or dance places? All of these create noise at different times of the day. It is a horrible thing to be kept up till late at night by the disco beat then woken up early in the morning by power tools.

While western hotels are known for having a level of soundproofing, most of the worlds are not. In addition, the climate may force you to leave your windows open or bake.



STEP 2 - THE OTHER GUESTS

If there is a bar or restaurant within the lodging, this will often add to the noise level as well. Pay attention to the other clientele. Aside from hippies, locals are often more noisy and less considerate than tourists. I have no idea why - possibly they can understand what is on TV and like to watch it at deafening volumes.



STEP 3 - THE STAFF

The attitudes and body language are the next thing to look for. On one end, you have eager and energetic staff. Slothful and disinterested staff will give you a worse experience.

The staff of some places will be very interested in selling you stuff - trips, tickets and so on. Sometimes the junior staff will tell you sob stories in order to try to get money out of you. Find out about the staff before letting your guard down.



STEP 4 - THE INITIAL OFFER PRICE

All of the steps up through this point are pretty much just glance around things. With practice you will start to do them subconsciously. You'll just get a feel whether you want to stay at this place or not. The next step is to ask how much they charge for a room.

This part is crucial. Neither agree nor disagree with their price. Give no indication whether you like it or not if it is within your price range.

This is important for bargaining later. Also, you must get an answer. If your budget is $15 per night and the room is $50, you are wasting your time seeing the room. There is little (no if you are not a master at bargaining) chance of your getting the price down to your budget.

Many times, the staff won't want to give you an answer.

Guest: "How much is the room."
Staff: (Grabs key) "Let me show you the room."

By following the staff you have proven that you are showing you are weak or easily led. This will hurt in the bargaining phase later. Westerners want to be polite and friendly and often docilly follow the staff member. I don't. I plant my feet and just stare at them with a very neutral expression. They may wander off down the hall to the room but I have not moved. They eventually return and say something ("This way sir" or "Could you come with me?") but all they get is me looking at them with my feet planted and a neutral or slightly smiling expression on my face. Then, very distinctly I will repeat my question "How much is a room please?"

This tells them that I am unwilling to give them control and they must meet my price range to even get me to follow them down the hall.

Once I have established that the lodging is within my price range (or can be bargained down to it) then it is time to check out the room. You don't want to bargain at all at this state. You don't want to give away what your price range is. You do want to appear to be as friendly - though possibly with a stubborn streak - as possible. This is despite you will probably be in a crabby mood after a horribly long, bumpy, smelly, crowded and torturous time traveling.



STEP 5 - INSPECTING THE ROOM

This is the tricky bit. You want to do a fast but complete inspection of the room. If something is important to you, check it. You can't be shy or fussy about doing so. You want to find out if the bed is clean? Throw back the sheets and look at them. You want to see if (like in most of Asia) the toilet leaks? Feel the floor with your bare or stocking feet. Turn on the lights. Is hot water important to you? Turn on the shower and wait for hot water to come out. The closer the room is to the front desk, the nosier it will be. This is not so much from other guests but the staff watching television at outrageous volume levels, often all night long.

To westerners, this may seem intrusive and rude but unless it works when you get there, it never will. If you were told there is hot water and were dumb enough to believe them rather than testing for yourself get use to cold showers. Complaining will not get it fixed, you are stuck with it as is until you change lodging. In all of Asia, I have only once had an owner fix something in a private room within 24 hours of my saying something. It kind of worked after that.

Check out the room security. Are there bars on the windows? Places to chain your pack to? How accessible is the room?

If you are thinking you might like to stay in the room, it is wise to make note of all of the things you dislike about the room to use in the bargaining process. "It would be a nice room if it wasn't so close to the street. The noise might be a bit much for me..."



STEP 6 - BARGAIN FOR THE ROOM

[I am not going to cover 'how to bargain' here as it is a large topic in itself.]

Obviously if you are not liking the room you'd be leaving instead but this step assumes you want to stay there. Bargaining for the room is important. If you don't want to bargain many cultures will see you as someone with more money than brains and act accordingly.

Remember, there are more things than just price which can be bargained on. "Well, yes, I will pay your 300 baht per night but if I do I will need two keys right now - one for me and one for my lady here." Always having multiple keys when you have multiple guests is important. Or, you can leave them at the front desk to help encourage the workers and their friends to rifle through your room while you are out.

You can not and should not bargain for future things because they won't happen. "We'll take that room if you fix the toilet." Here's a news flash Jack - the toilet won't get fixed.

Make sure that the price you agree on is the total price. If they reveal later there is a service charge or VAT (value added tax), your answer should be along the lines of "Fuck you". See step seven.



STEP 7 - CHECK IN AND PAY

Paying attention to the care with which they check you into a room is crucial. If they insist on making a photocopy of the photo page of your passport, this is best. If they tell you "We can take care of your passport later" or let you fill in the information without seeing your passport that should tell you that the security is horrible and it is very easy for thieves to bluff their way in.

If you are in a country that requires you to be registered with the police department, make sure that gets done here as well. Sometimes, checking into a nice place for the first night - just to get properly registered - is important.

Pay your first night and insist on a receipt. No receipt, no money - ever. They may tell you that you do not need a receipt. This should serve to stir suspicion within you, regardless of how 'cool' they seem. Remember that if there is a disagreement in the bill it will be you - who probably do not speak the language of the land versus a respected business owner who is friends with the highly corrupt police officers. You'll end up paying.

Things I like to see on my bill include the initial date I arrived. Each day I payed for. What I payed for and how much. The word 'PAID' with some sort of signature or initials of the person I gave the money to. These are routine things on bills in western countries but often overlooked elsewhere. Be sure to get it on your bill to cover your ass.

Get a business card of the hotel. Ideally, they should have the name/address in English on one side and the local language on the other. Remember, you will be showing this to people who may not read any English - or perhaps even their native language. Getting a business card (I suggest a couple) is critical. If the hotel can't be bothered to have business cards you are in a real slum - get them to write the name and address on a paper for you so you can find your way back.



STEP 8 - MOVE IN

Security is your overriding concern within the room. Assume the door lock can be picked, bumped or forced. If they have a safe in the room check it carefully to see if it is really secure or just appears to be. Using duct tape to hide valuables in unlikely spots is often preferable to the safe. If you are smart enough to own a pacsafe use it. Chain it to as many pieces of furniture as possible to slow the thieves down and force them to make noise destroying furniture. I recommend it even if you have 'just packed clothing'. How much will it cost for a new backpack and all new clothing?



STEP 9 - GET OUT

Don't advertise when you want to leave. They should know when you walk downstairs with a backpack on and toss the key onto the counter. This prevents a host of different evils such as robbing you just before you leave, figuring out how to squeeze more money out of you, getting pissed you didn't buy more stuff and so forth. Just walk out when it is time to go. Make sure you carefully inspected your room before doing so - otherwise it can be a bit awkward realizing you left your ipod behind...



There are a lot of very beautiful, comfortable places you can stay in the world. For every one of those there are several squalid and indifferent places. Hopefully, these tips will put you into more good places than bad ones because having a bad experience at a place can sour your whole experience within the country.



Review of steps:

1. Scope out the neighborhood
2. Check out the other guests.
3. Investigate the staff.
4. Initial price range.
5. Inspect the room.
6. Haggle.
7. Check in.
8. Move in.
9. Get out.

ON THE ROAD AGAIN...

HOSTEL FUN

Although I've personally had no issues at all with the hostel apart from the usual Egyptian 'what is this 'maintenance' you speak of?' thing, I've had zero problems at the hostel (Australian Hostel) I am at. Sadly, the other guests cannot say the same thing. A few of the guests who were staying for a few days got moved to a hostel they reported to be a 'shit hole' because a large tour group wanted to come in. From learning a bit about how hostelworld and such works, my guess is that they didn't adjust the number of beds they had available within hostel world as they wanted more money. The 'shit hole' hostel is owned by the same people. It features things like 'no running water' and 'broken beds' and pipes that drip water despite the hostel having no water. Not a nice place. When confronted with these things, the owner who had sent the person to this horrible place said that he would no longer help people to find another hostel when he needed to clear them out of this one for needed space of larger, more profitable groups. I'm not sure what effect he wanted this statement to have upon the person complaining but it really was less effective than apologizing or giving the person a free nights stay would have been.

Also, it has been related to me that one of the girls said that one of the owners of the hostel let himself into her room to kiss her good night - after she was already asleep. So, you must be on your guard.

If you decide to let them move you to a different hostel because hey, they want more money or are utterly incompetent at computers, be sure to check it out before you agree - and go find a different hostel. With all of the shit that goes on in Egypt, I honestly think that you should go find a second hostel even when you like the first one - just to cover these things.



LOGAN'S SCHEDULE

Well, tomorrow at 3PM - well, lets face it, probably I'll be there plenty early - I should be standing in front of the Thai Embassy to see if I can get into their country with the extended visa. Either way though, I'd really like to get my passport back. Since I'll be checking out of the room in the morning, this should be my last post until I get ensconced somewhere in Bangkok. I'll keep everyone posted.



VIDEOS

Cairo, Egypt: From Hostel balcony [by request from TJ!]

SARAJEVO INITIAL IMPRESSIONS

STUFF THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE PREVIOUS BLOG POST BUT I FUCKED UP SO YOU GET IT HERE

Bruderschaft! While hanging out with my new Polish friends, I got to find out about the Polish version of Bruderschaft. Note, this is a German word I've never heard of before so I didn't know the Germans also had this. Weird. In the Polish language - like in the German language - there are both formal and informal ways of addressing someone. The informal way is usually used on kids and close friends. Anyway, how it works is that you link arms in order to drink. Apparently, several cultures have this tradition, but that is the only picture I've found of it. After doing that, you kiss cheeks. I don't know if it is left-right-left or the other way around but we skipped the kissing part.

I found a couple interesting things about the Polish way of doing it.

First, this is a 'once in a lifetime' thing with a specific other person. In other words, once Fred and George (for example) do it, they never do it again. If Fred meets Phil and does it with him, they are done on that part. After doing 'bruderschaft', they then address each other with the informal case.

Second, in the Polish culture, you don't look into each others eyes as you drink. It is seen as 'proactive' - the angry challenging sort.

And yes, I did bruderschaft with all of my new Polish friends and even poor Chris the Englishman. So, if I ever learn Polish, I can address them in an informal way.





TRAIN TO SARAJEVO

There were three main things I fucked up in my journey.

First, I got a 'whistle stop' train instead of a fast train. Basically, it stops at every little village on the way there. This caused my travel time to balloon from seven or eight hours to eleven hours. It was a fucking nightmare. Be sure to get the right ticket when you book a train!

Second, I had forgotten to get local currency before leaving. You have to visit the currency exchange but it is better than trying to lug around a heavy backpack and find an ATM when you get there. Anything to avoid more walking than necessary with the pack is a good thing. Also, some places - like Sarajevo - don't have handy ATM's at train stations. Even if they do, you aren't sure if you can trust them as opposed to ones inside in a bank with a security guard watching them.

Third, I forgot to get food and water - for an eleven hour train ride. Alarming for a fat man. Fortunately, for the first three hours of the train voyage, they had a dining car. I bought two half liter bottles of water and two eighty gram bags of pistachios. The nuts weren't very good. Total price, 1420 HUF. I remember reading somewhere that slaves on their way to America were stuck in ships for weeks and fed only nuts. I figured I could rough it and eat nuts for a day. Plus, I really didn't feel comfortable either lugging my pack all of the way to the dining car or leaving it unattended (though chained) while I ate a meal so it was hurry there, grab nuts hurry back.

Hopefully, I won't repeat my mistakes in the next country I go to - but you can never tell.

My great and noble thoughts as I was on the train (aside from my crippling fear of midgets punching me in the nuts as I law sprawled out on the seat) were that of Chokeahontis.



THE STORY OF CHOKEAHONTIS, INDIAN PRINCESS

Once upon a time lived the daughter of the head chief of the surrounding tribes, Chokeahontis. All of the chiefs immediate family were blessed with exceptional health and happiness, except for poor Chokeahontis. She was possessed of a psychotic rage that would cause her to choke the shit out of those she encountered. Because of this, she could not go and visit members outside of her immediate family. One day, two foreign explorers - just like Lewis and Clark but possessing sillier names - came to visit. Chokeahontis immediately attempted to choke the shit out of Lewis but he was able to redirect her hands and she choked something else. And was sprayed with a refreshing 'medicinal' substance. So long as she concentrated on choking this, she did not feel the need to choke other people. And Lewis seemed to enjoy it. Chokeahontis was so happy she offered to guide the explorers around to all of the other tribes she had previously been unable to visit. They happily accepted and went to visit all of the other tribes. Sadly, this caused all of the other tribes to get smallpox and die. The end. PS: Chokeahontis was a 'gasper'.

I have no idea why that shit goes through my brain, but now it may be going through yours as well. This makes me feel perversely better. I suppose it may be either a sense of sadism or schadenfreude on my part.



BACK TO THE TRAIN INSTEAD OF THE DISEASED RAMBLINGS OF LOGAN'S BROKEN BRAIN

So, the train then went through several border control check points. I have no clue at all which countries I went through. I suspect Croatia but there were a total of six border checks - that implies three countries to me. You get one border check when you're leaving a country and one when entering a country. I have no idea what the third one was. Logan Horsford - world traveler. And he has no clue what country he is in. For some reason, I imagine Jana saying "Good on ya".

The border control uses some sort of box that appears to be about as large and heavy as babies women carry around in the slings on front of their bodies. This is for sticking your passport into and allowing the box to do something mysterious. Maybe it checks to see if it is a real passport. Maybe it tells someone where you are. Maybe it gives attack coordinates to an alien invasion fleet. I just don't know.

Two of the border guards stick out in my mind. One was very careful not to look at me while I sat there with the large, cartoon grin on my face. I was trying to appear as non-threatening as possible. She had large, impractical hoop earrings in her head. Not a good thing for someone carrying a gun to wear. The other lady looked very much like Amy Lee from the musical group Evanescence. Now, I do realize that people might think that I'm hallucinating again. I still do think it was Robert De Niro I saw in Amsterdam (I'd swear it was him). I don't think this guard was Amy Lee but I do think she could have worked as her stunt double. She was way too good looking to be in a 'border control' field. She was messing up the 'average look'. [Note - if good looking border guard women wish to object to this sort of stereotyping, feel free to submit pictures of yourself in uniform. They will be posted for the audience to make a decision. If you don't want to submit a photo, you'll just have to live with the stereotype.]

In addition to having my passport literally checked six different times, my train ticket was also checked six different times by different conductors as they kept switching them in each country. Keep your ticket and passport handy!

All of the passport checks were extremely perfunctory. I could have had nothing but a backpack full of condemns or cocaine and nobody would have ever known. [Disclaimer: I have nothing illegal on me if you are a good looking border guard who is still upset about the earlier stereotype remark.]

Yes, I managed to sneak off an back on the train after the border checks for a quick smoke. I am a bad man. Note that when the conductor whistles loudly, you've got just a few seconds to re-board the train. Lots of fun there.

On the train, I literally had my own compartment until I hit Bosnia when it suddenly filled up. Prior to that, the train seemed mostly empty and I contented myself with having Vietnam flashbacks while I was headed to 'the heart of Charley'. I wonder if I'll have more Vietnam flashbacks when I get to Vietnam?

I in all of the countries that had communists running them (including this one) I keep passing masses of the communist style block homes. I wonder "Fuck - where the hell did everyone live before the communists came?"

If I didn't note it before, the train from Budapest to Sarajevo is 14470 HUF.

Sometimes, when you are on the train for close to a half day, you may find yourself wanting to put your feet on the unoccupied seat opposite. Many conductors don't seem to care, others get as offended as they would if you raped their dog.

Once we got into the Bosnia area, I had conversations with several different people - all in German. It seems that a lot of them fled to Germany during the war. As of right now, I haven't yet found anyone who claims to have been here during the war.

The area around Sarajevo is wooded and hilly. It must have been a bitch to fight in.

The train passed through several towns that you, the reader, won't give a shit as to what the names are. Just insert some random letters if you're curious.

One interesting thing I was told is that they (archaeologists) have apparently discovered pyramids in a town called Visoko. But, I was told, they aren't excavated. I asked 'Did they just find little triangles on the ground and figure they must be connected to bigger pyramids below?' but I think the joke was lost in translation. I'm not sure if I'll get over to see them or not.

While we were riding on the train in Bosnia, a couple of the men in the car pretty much insisted I smoke with them. In the train. Eventually, I did - fearing the wrath of the conductor - but apparently it is legal to smoke pretty much everywhere here.

They also have big piles of hay with weird stick things protruding from it. It's regular enough to be a symbolic thing but I'm not sure what it means.

I had a long conversation with "Yas-Me" who is training to be a dentist. He's still got three years to go or I'd head to his office to have him check out my tooth and see what's up with it. He also thought that taking care of my tooth problem would probably cost about 70 BAM. Nice.

Upon reaching the town, I wandered around till I found an ATM then 'Hostel Enjoy'. This hostel was the closest to the train station. Nobody was home. Apparently, they don't feel the need to man the desk. They were so confident of their business, they didn't eve feel the need to have a sign. It was a name on a buzzer in a big building. What the fuck is that shit? I then got a cab (4 BAM for 2-3 KM - really cheap) over to hostel 'TITO46' This place seemed clean and such and my first night there was enjoyable. Unfortunately, I discovered that you have to register within the first 48 hours of your stay in Sarajevo with the police or you get a fine (no idea how much) when leaving the country. The better hotels and hostels do it for you but TITO46 claims not to know about it. When I went to them and said I had been to the police, they modified their story, saying they'd only be open for a month and were still doing the paperwork. A different hostel I spoke with believes that TITO46 is purposefully ignoring the registration in order to keep the prices down (registration costs a small amount) in order to get more business. Seems like a shitty practice to me. Also, the lockers of most hostels are large enough to store your backpack. Not so at TITO46 - you can fit in some valuables but that's about it. Also, if you can't find the small, unlit light switch in the hallway, navigating up the two flights of irregularly shaped stairs to the hostel can be tricky - really, the flashlight I carry has paid off so many times. They also have only two single person bathrooms - not sure how many guests they can hold. I really can't recommend TITO46 although it is clean - and you are required to remove your shoes when entering. Not my favorite place thus far but I've got three nights there which should allow me time to scope out the town and maybe find a different place to stay.

This is yet another European town that seems to have a lot of shit close after nine or ten PM - I grabbed some shitty (non-chain) fast food and unwound with three rum and cokes (7 BAM each on the 'strip').

I've also noticed that the spike in the middle of the head hairstyle is popular here - that makes me vaguely nervous.



THE LANGUAGE RANT

I accept the fact that if I go off of the 'beaten tourist path' - whether to businesses that don't see a lot of tourists like barbers or if I go to small villages that don't see tourists that I will need to speak some of the local lingo. I'm good with that. However, when I'm in the big tourist area of a town that attracts tourists I often run into people who only speak their native language. Which is not one of the top 30 in the world. And who sometimes look insulted that I haven't taken the time to learn whatever minor language they happen to speak. This is baffling to me. If English (for example) had the popularity of Czech and Italian was the 'international language', my ass would be up late nights trying to learn it as I did with German. More so if I'm working in an area that is trying to get money from tourists. Given the choice, I'd rather devote time to learning Russian than Bosnian (Russian being number eight on the list and Bosnian not making the list). I don't mind learning a couple of polite Bosnian phrases but for time invested, I think Russian would pay off better even though I won't be able to visit Russia until they relax their visa situation.



LANGUAGES LOGAN KNOWS OR KNOWS PIECES OF

Because someone may want to know, here are the languages I currently speak:

English (native)
German (enough to hold a conversation if the other person is patient)

Languages I know some pieces of:

ASL (American sign language), Czech, Dutch, French, Italian, Korean, Mayer (Hungarian) and Spanish (I am from the USA...). It would be a lot more impressive if I had all of these at conversational level.

Of course, I rely on gestures, body language, facial expressions and micro-expressions to help communicate.



BACK TO THE HOSTEL

I met up with Danielle (Australian) and Matt (Welsh) who are traveling together. They had the extreme misfortune to be quartered in the same room as I. They changed the next morning. Tomorrow morning, we're going to go together to the police station to get registered. When I write later, I'll talk about my experience. So far, it's been a nightmare as the police I've spoken to don't speak (or have any interest in doing so) either English or German.

My goal is to live on 60 BAM a day. Don't know if it will happen but we'll see. The hotel room is 20 BAM a night. Ironically, this is (after conversion) exactly the same price I was paying to rent an apartment in Blacksburg, VA.



SHAVE

I managed to find a Turkish barber lady who used the 'razorette' shave style of straight razor. For those who don't know, basically they hook up a new razor blade for each person to keep you from dying of AIDS and still get a great shave.



VARIOUS THINGS

As I usually do when getting to know a place, I wandered off of the beaten path. I found a little out of the way restaurant. Although the waiter claimed to speak English he was much more proficient in German. He also brought me a packet of something that I had to ask what it was. It turned out that it was honey but closer to 'raw' with the consistency of soft butter. It was pretty decent. I had an interesting and unusual breakfast in a place with cloth napkins for 6 BAM. I felt generous and tipped 2 BAM. He seemed very pleased so we were both happy. With the tip, what I spent could have bought a shitty breakfast at McDonald's. Instead, I ate at a swanky place with good food. Cheap food make Logan happy.

They also sell blue, grapefruit flavored Fanta here. I'm not kidding. It's a very strange taste.

I've also seen bullet holes in some of the buildings. As Pete would say, "Interesting."

I also bought some Slovak cigarettes for 2.5 BAM. They are as good (or as bad) as anything else I've smoked. I miss Muriel Sweets.

the city itself is much cleaner than I expected. There is some graffiti and such but they don't seem to have the 'culture of littering' as they do in Prague. I also have yet to see anyone 'making a prayer' when they throw out garbage as I saw Jana and Marianna do in Prague. Which, if you think about it, is strange behavior for Atheists.

Later, for lunch I had something called 'Burek' which may be Turkish. It is some sort of bread stuff around meat or cheese or potatoes. The first two weren't bad but I don't know what sort of horrible shit had been done to those poor potatoes. With a .25 liter of Coke (tiny!) the total cost was 6.5 BAM.