LOGAN AT SEA 3 - bonus round

DAY 4

As we set out for open water, the captain related some of the 'business practices' of the other boats:

Buy nothing but cheap food.  Yes, sometimes everyone gets sick.  They don't buy food from the locals as it decreases their profit margins.

Nobody is allowed out on deck for 'safety reasons'.  I've got to tell you there are many times when you 'need some air'.  I can't imagine being cooped up in overcrowded cabins or a wheelhouse.

Double or more the amount of people on board the ship we had.  Believe me, sometimes it felt a bit crowded with just the six people we had on board.  More would feel like the old 'tight pack slave ship'.

Not that I spent a lot of time on these or had shares in 'Confederated Slaveholdings' like some people I could mention.

Other than that, day 4 went quietly.  Nothing much to look at unless you are into the whole 'endless ocean' thing.  I find it loses it's appeal after about two and a half minutes.  Ditto for 'gosh there are a lot of stars out at night'.



DAY 5

Spent most of the day in bed, 'relaxing'.

Life aboard a boat, I've determined is a lot like a bratwurst cooked to perfection and garnished with spices both subtle and rare.  Stuffed inside a VW sized bun of boredom.

The end of the day showed us to still be 100 miles from our destination.  Why they use miles is beyond me.  The reason we were so far away and should have docked today?  Becalmed.  Were it not for our little engines we wouldn't have moved anywhere.

We did finally break out the 'Cards Against Humanity' photocopy game I was given.  Thanks!  It's amazing how 'America-centric' the humor is.  I got to translate a few fun words into German or explain them to the Swiss guys.  A good time was had by all.

Note that if you are going to be at sea, bring a lot of little games to play and hopefully have people around who want to play them or you're kind of fucked.  "Oh, I'll read a book!"  Yes, if you are blessed with the weather we had you can.  If not, have fun trying to stare at a page while feeling miserable while Mother Nature tries to bump you off.



DAY 6

The captain informs me he is 'putting on the breaks' so that we arrive tomorrow morning rather than tonight.  Since by now sinking the ship is getting more and more interesting over continuing to live on it, this news doesn't make me a happy boy.

His reasons for arriving in port do seem sound (less parking problems, less getting run over by other bigger boats since we have all the running lights of the average drug smuggler) but that day being Sunday does concern me.  Will they actually be open to give us our visas?  [Fuck no was the answer for those who are sick of all of the suspense.  And, no reach around.  In addition, they were closed the next day for a public holiday.  Yes to the 'laid back lifestyle'!]

Again, bored out of my fucking skull.  [See "Logan's Head" below for yet more information about Logan's skull.]

Just for the record, you can NOT swim safely in the high seas if you are Logan.  Perhaps if you are other people.  And you can't swim while the boat is churning away going somewhere.  Well, actually, you can swim.  But getting back onto the boat is not certain.


By day six, everyone - and their stomachs - had become accustomed to the relentless rocking of the boat.  I'd heard that a lot of people who claim "I'm seasick all the time" simply are speaking from short experience.  If you spend a week on a boat, you cease to be seasick.  That, or all of these people with seasickness and motion sickness just need to 'harden the fuck up'.


The captain talked about a bit of the business behind the ships.  Some of the hostels (like the horrible Hostel Wunderbar) actually make more money booking the ship rides than having guests.  If you're paying $550 USD (as I did), the hostel gets $50 for sending a couple e-mails.  If you contact the captains directly you could save fifty or more dollars.  Of course knowing who to contact could be rough.  I only know one of the captains and that is Bernard.  In addition to his linked Facebook page, he can be reached through his e-mail at IEMANJA57@yahoo.fr.  Fair warning - he doesn't really understand computers.  The unkind of you (my friends, mainly) may well point out Logan doesn't understand computers either.  He understands significantly less than even Logan.  So, show some patience when contacting him.  He knows boats much better.


The chicken had all turned green and needed to be thrown overboard.  Bernard explained that in Central America the food may only have a day or two left from when you bought it before it goes totally bad.  They routinely let stuff thaw and refreeze it several times due to either inadequate cooling equipment or gross incompetency.  So keep an eye on your food.  Just because you bought it from a reputable looking super market doesn't mean it isn't wonky.



DAY 7

At about 6AM our boat truged toward port.  The process of getting into port and finding a parking space (trickier with a boat) takes about four or five hours.  Nothing is fast on a boat.

As we were heading in to the harbor, we noticed it was flanked by two old fortresses.  The captain said that in the olden days they use to stretch an iron chain between the two to keep out pirates.

I asked if it worked.  This is never a convenient question to ask someone as they never know.

Apparently, they took the chain down as there is a large pirate ship that routinely makes its way back and forth ferrying tourists with it's big diesel engines.

After spending an hour or two cooling our heels in the dock aboard ship, the captain rented us a 'water taxi' which I christened the "Oh gods oh gods we're all going to die".  It was actually a dug out fishing canoe and the most unstable craft I've been in and survived.  [For a list of craft I have been in and didn't survive, please reference previous blog entries.  All of them.]

The captain took everyone to a hostel (in Cartagena, Colombia) which cost 22,000 COP per night.  I said "Fuck that" and went and found a private room which cost 24,000 COP.  About a dollar more per night.


And that concludes my exciting (well, hopefully more to read about than experience) voyage at sea!  As you can see, the five day voyage actually took seven and overall was a mix of interesting bits and a huge boring base.  I can now say that I've traveled in a very small vessel on the open sea however.  Not planning on a repeat performance but my life is very strange so I can't say "It will never happen" with any finality.



LOGAN'S HEAD

Like many other places (including the Republic of Georgia) boats were constructed for shorter people than I.  The top of my skull has yet another new scar.  I'm sure that should a futuristic anthropologist discovering my skull would classify it as several different unsuccessful attempts at trepanning.

Hell, this has happened so many times I really feel I should get a t-shirt.  Preferably free.  And in XXXL size.  Air dropped to me by the Marines.

LOGAN AT SEA 2

NATURE TRIES TO OFF LOGAN

DAY 3

You feel pretty continuously grungy on a boat.  Salt, not washing, washing with a very limited amount of fresh water only and so on.

It was time for me to get a bath.  In my underwear and standing on the back of the boat I soaped up then jumped into the water for a bit of exercise.  Paddle around within a meter of the boat ladder.

Ever watch a cute kid walking around with that kind of 'spaced out wonder' that sends you back to thinking of your childhood?  And as he's walking past you in the park he just wallops hell out of your groin with his metal Tonka truck he was carrying?  Having nature try to kill you suddenly and unexpectedly is a lot like that.

Surprise and pain.

So I was floundering around in the water and the weather came up.  Very suddenly.  The tide swept me away from the boat - fortunately toward the shore.  Mind you, it doesn't take a lot of current to prevent me from swimming the direction I want to go.

I yelled to the captain who encouraged me to swim toward the boat until he saw I couldn't make it.  Then, he told me to swim to shore.  Hell, I didn't think I could make that either.

Eventually, I swam the short distance to shore and waited for several minutes as Bernard secured the boat.  The boat is always the first concern in such cases.

Eventually, he came and got my exhausted ass in the dingy.

Scary as hell being stuck on an island in your underwear.



QUINN

To avoid sunburn I could feel starting, the shirt came back on but not the pants.  Since my 'operation shorts' had been destroyed, I emulated one of my role models 'Quinn the Pantless' (NERO reference) and only wore underwear from the time of my near drowning until we docked.

Though it made me feel a bit sorry for everyone else.

Not sorry enough to put on my damned pants, however.



LITTLE KUNA ISLAND

Remember the Kuna from before?  Well, they seem to own (ie were granted by and subsidized) all the islands in the area.  They have a set of 'vacation home' islands as well.  They aren't particularly nice - they are smaller than the island shown in 'Castaway' and have a hut on them.  The Kuna wait something like five years to be able to take their turn to go stay there.

The reason this is a 'super special' thing for them is that tourist boats pass by and often stop at the islands.

Yes, it's a chance to make some money.

So we anchored near one and the captain was telling us we could go hang out on the island.  I'm pondering buying some overpriced ($2) beers and chilling on land to drink them.

Like many islands, it looked much better from a distance than up close.  The palm trees surrounded what looked to be a charming little hut.  When you got closer, it appeared to be a disease ridden shack you'd want to torch rather than live in - as do many of the Kuna homes.

The old guy whose temporarily in charge wants $2 per person just to be on his island.

What the fuck.

The others and I seem to be in agreement and we're back on the boat.

Something disappointing about poor tribesmen just with their handout as opposed to doing some sort of rudimentary business that would net them more money.

I must confess that I did take this picture of his island then yell "I've gotten a picture of your island for free!  HA!" or something along those lines.



MORE ON THE KUNA

I did forget to mention that the Kuna can be distinguished by their shins and forearms quite easily.  In their culture, having thin shins and forearms is considered attractive.   Like a fat girl who buys new shoes to be pretty instead of just dropping 20 KG, they tightly wrap multicolored bands of thread around their forearms and shins to keep them thin.  I've no idea if it's unhealthy or not but didn't much care either.


In addition to wanting to charge people for setting foot on tiny islands, the Kuna do come around with goods in boats.  One came with some of the moas (quilted or sewn stuff):

"You want to buy one?"

"If I can't carry it, I don't need it and I'm carrying enough."

"You could buy it as a gift?"

"Don't have anyone I like that much."

Oh the looks I get.

If he had beer and nibbles, we may have done some business.

Now to be fair, the Kuna do sometimes bring by fresh fish or crab.  If the smell of seafood didn't make me sick I might have been more excited.   Captain Bernard often bought fresh fish and crab from the natives.  He would buy three crab for ten dollars which I was told is less than a quarter price of a restaurant.


In addition to trying to sell goods, we did have a couple Kuna show up and demand water.  Not a small amount - they had their own large drum with them.  The captain dutifully filled and returned it.  I asked him about it and he told me there was a 'fraternity' at sea.  I'm wondering if that was the Kuna tax.


In the next blog, we set sail (er - use the motor - not enough wind) for the dangerous open sea.  Stay tuned.



HOW TO DO DISHES ON A SMALL BOAT

Since fresh(-ish) water is a stored, valuable commodity, you need to start the wash with salt water.  Either sit on the back steps if you are anchored or use the nifty bucket with knotted rope to get the salt water.  After scrubbing them off with that, rinse with fresh.



HOW TO SHIT AT SEA

I really hated this toilet.  It looks big in the picture but if you're over age ten it's a small target.  If you are a fat bastard you need to squeeze the business end of your ass into a very small and uncomfortable spot and start shitting.

Once you've managed to get rid of the crap, it's time to manually pump out the waste.  To the right of the toilet is a gray handle.  You pump slowly to get all the shit out.  If it doesn't all go out, you flip the gray switch to 'fill the tank', pump to fill it and then flip it back to 'drain' and keep pumping.

For those who don't like to discuss poop or have others know they poop, I'll bet this is a nightmare.  Everyone on the boat knows you used the toilet as you're spending a couple minutes down there with a noisy slow barely working pump trying to get rid of the shit.

But wait!  There's more!

You may still have shit in your ass!  How do we get rid of that?  We can't use toilet paper!  No - we need to spray it out with a hose that has enough water pressure to dribble out the water in a depressed fashion.

So you need one hand to hold your ass open, one hand to work the sprayer and another to scrub out your ass.

Aside from a few three handed freaks who regard this as 'no big deal'

you are now stuck juggling three things you'd rather not.

Knowing my readers as I do there will be a certain percentage that go try this out in their bathroom.  If your bathroom isn't moving like a slow moving bucking bronco, you haven't had the full 'flavor' experience yet.

And when I was sailing the seas were 'dead calm'.  I can't even imagine the fun of trying this in rough seas!

But enough with my coprophilia.



BOAT SECURITY

There really doesn't seem to be any.  This is a bit confusing for me.  Everyone just leaves their crap on their boats and wanders off.  Natives wander around on their boats.  My guess would be that the natives don't rob the boats because if they did people would stop coming to their area and buying stuff from them.



SHIPBOARD LIFE

Most of what you do at sea seems to be 'wait'.  You wait until you can go do something else.

This irritated the fuck out of me.  I'm the kind of person who likes to always be doing something.  With my lifestyle, I have plenty of time to think about stuff in silence already.  Activities which encourage this are quite a bummer.

Living aboard a boat doesn't seem to be for the crippled or weak.  The captain is routinely dirty from messing with the engines, anchor, plumbing and so on.  He works his rear off.

A boat would make an excellent money pit.  You see, boats quite naturally want to have everything go wrong with them and then sink into the ocean.  Only someone messing with the boat all of the time and the power of money can keep the boat from following what it wants to do.  Sometimes even these are not enough but in general if you have enough people working on the boat and throw enough money at it, you will get days if not weeks of service from one.  Till it wants more.

If you're a non-smoker on a small boat, you may be fucked.   Smoking in the pilot house during inclement weather (more often than you think) is quite normal as is smoking in the open air.



OVERALL THOUGHTS ON CENTRAL AMERICA

With the exception of the two wildly overpriced countries (Panama and Costa Rica), the rest had just blended together.  Same basic architecture, food and people.

Overall, Central America seems a bit pricey for what you get.  [Note for those people who think it's just Logan saying this, fuck off, it is not that uncommon to hear from other tourists as well.]

I can't think of anything which would bring me back to Central America.  Been there, done that, done with that.  It made me miss SE Asia where I could get a much better meal for a third of the price and lodging for about two thirds of the price.



PHILOSOPHY

"The laid back lifestyle."

Ah.  Saying this brings up images of

laying in a hammock, enjoying the day as time slips by.  Maybe ordering a drink from a passing waiter...

Oh - wait - the waiter is no where to be found.  They are off talking with their friends and ignoring the customers who have all entered the first stages of dehydration.

And the hammock?   Yeah - it actually looks like this

simply because nobody would be bothered to repair or replace it.

When people think about the 'laid back lifestyle' they are thinking about a simpler life for them.  They are not thinking about lazy, incompetent or inept people that may want to have preform a service for them - like fix a toilet.

I'd rather live in a place where the people aren't trying to live a half assed 'idylic lifestyle'.  Translation, they don't work much and are paid appropriately hence they are always poor.

If you're on a vacation, which is more relaxing?  Being tended to or having to go do stuff yourself?  Hell, you've probably already paid big money to get there and since you are on vacation you don't have to work anyway.

Think about that next time you hear someone advertising the natives of a place you were thinking about going on vacation live a 'laid back lifestyle'...

LOGAN GOES TO SEA - PART 1

WHERE'S LOGAN?

From David Holt:

Yes, this is the first fan art of this blog!


LOGAN GOES TO SEA

Note, the writing style (aka 'no style') I am using is pretty much the same order as I put notes into my notebook.  Hope it builds toward a breathtaking climax for you.  It didn't for me, but it might for you.

DAY 1

Went with one of my future shipmates to town as the captain asked us to pick up some chicken breasts and eggs.  We're kind of getting the chicken both coming and going if you ask me.  Note that despite the chicken breasts being from a major store and professionally wrapped, they turned green after just a couple days at sea.  In Central (and perhaps South) America it is not unusual to sell something just before it goes bad.  Nasty.

To get to the town with a working ATM and for the shopping required an hour each way in a Bluebird school bus garishly repainted and outfitted with shitty speakers to pump out shittier music.  In some places, these are called 'chicken buses'.  The seating is made for two children.  Hence, two or more adults is not comfortable.

After arriving, I tried the ATM.  Splitting my daily allowance amount in half and doing withdraws for that doubled my chances of getting something as well as my bank fees.  Fortunately, it worked.  Happy.

We got the money, picked up the requested groceries and some extra stuff for ourselves.  They even had Booberry at the store.  I was floored.  Unfortunately, it didn't taste that good.  Don't know if my pallet has changed or if they have a different recipe in this part of the world.

The captain himself is a 56 year old Frenchman who shuns redundant (or most) safety gear as an 'American thing'.  Like running lights.  Like the thing that when activated tells the coast guard where you are, who you are and that you are in trouble.  Like life rings.  There were some life preservers I discovered later but I'm not sure if there were enough for everyone if we sank.

Cast of characters:

Bernard:  Captain
Mark:  Swiss guy
Roman:  The other Swiss guy
Lawrence:  French girl who joined us
Daman:  American tourist

We sat around until eight at night waiting to see if an 'old American lady' would join us - she didn't.

The trip itself started on a fairly depressing note for Logan as there was no plug ins.  Sure, those of you with sailing experience might say "Well, of course not!"  But we did have a deep freeze.  The captain had a plug in for his computer - which did the vital navigation.  We had interior lighting.  But no plugs for my computer.  Hence, no computer for the trip.  I found that 'trying' to say the least.

Unfortunately, the captain liked his music.  He has perhaps 35 'hippy dippy trippy' songs from the 1960's he plays on a loop.  That shit got old real quick.  I've no clue why people fear the silence so.

Due to the heat, the shirt got lost real quick and didn't reappear until day three when I noticed it was getting close to sunburn time.

We cast off.

As we were the only crew the captain had, we got to pull night watch.  Having been in the military, I immediately jumped on my favorite watch - the last one.  I graciously volunteered to take it and immediately went to bed.

That night watch was the coolest of the trip.  The weather was clear but overcast at high altitudes.  The silence of the sea slapping the small boat, spears of lightning briefly illuminating the sky.  Distant lights of other ships and fish farms.   Dawn eventually came, casting its milky glow.

Being on a boat during calm waters is like being on a slow bucking bronco for days.




DAY 2

We stopped by a very small island.  The other, more fit shipmates swam to the island.  Being a smoker, weak, crippled and generally more adept at video games that physical activity makes me a very weak swimmer.

Hell, if I jumped off the boat, I felt lucky to be able to swim the three or four meters to catch it.

The water was warmer than many showers I've had.

I can't even imagine trying to do this cruise with more than the six people we had on the boat.  Officially, there are four double rooms and two single rooms.   Like so many other things, this is a lie.  The captain sleeps in one of the doubles.  The two single rooms are full of bed - nothing else and separated from a double only by a curtain.  To get into the room, you either go through a very inconvenient hatch in the top or through someone's room.  The French girl who had been assigned to a single ended up sleeping in the wheelhouse.   Since she choose to sleep in the room with the radio, people smoking and doing watch, etc I'm guessing the singles weren't very comfortable.

Sometime during this day, I put a head sized hole in the shorts I'd been operated on while wearing in the Republic of Georgia.  Those went in the trash and it was underwear from then on.

Wear European boxers.  No hole for your penis to attempt it's escape.  Note, for those without a penis you can order one online.

Lunch was fresh vegetables, cut up hard boiled eggs, rice - all mixed and served cold.  It was excellent.

After sitting around for awhile, we were offered - and accepted - a guy coming to get us with a boat for $2 each to take us to see the Kuna.



THE KUNA

We went to see the native tribesman of the area on their island.  Part of the island was natural.  I suspect the rest was made from trash, old seaweed and snot.

My wiring seems much different from my shipmates and indeed, other tourists.  While they saw it and perhaps saw a 'charming simpler life', I thought 'what a tumble down depressing squalid shit hole'.

Despite of what Logan thinks of as an 'acceptable standard of living', the Kuna did seem mostly happy.  We were told we couldn't take pictures of any of the individuals but everything else was alright.  Later, this turned out to be only mostly true as I wanted to take a picture of a mural on a wall and an old woman wanted to shake me down for more gringo tourist money.  She failed to get any.

But Logan, don't you feel obligated to give any of these people money?  When you have so much and they so little?

No.  Not even a little bit.  If someone wants my money it is simple.  Offer me a product or service that is good at a reasonable price and I may give them money.  This is not a difficult concept.  I dislike supporting beggars.

Even the children had been taught to say "One dollar!" though they did it without expectation of getting anything.  Ah, raising them right.  If you want them to become beggars...

They do have quilting as their native art.  Nothing I was at all interested in but pieces did go for roughly 5 to 50 USD - depending on who you bought it from, quality and the tourists lack of haggling skill.

BACK TO THE BOAT

The conversation shipboard seems to be about 60% in French and the rest in English.  Unfortunately, my French sucks.

Considering we have only six people, it is a bit wild that the conversation ranges in French, English, Swiss German, German and of course Spanish.  This just seems to underline the lacking areas of the American educational system to me.  Or perhaps the lack of American interest to leave their continent.

Regardless, my life needs subtitles.

Some people say things like "Life aboard a boat is extremely laid back".  That doesn't really illustrate anything.  Saying "Not much happens" misses the mark as well.  Lets try:

If you see something even moderately interesting, everyone will come and look and that will provide the next hour of conversation.

It's a bit slow paced for me.

There are people who have not experienced travel by sail and have a certain picture of it in their heads.  The amazing thing is that this picture may not even be disrupted by reality.

Tune in later for day 3 - when nature makes a half hearted attempt to kill Logan!  Will it succeed?  Stay tuned...



ALTERNATIVE TRAVEL

Should you want to skip the week long voyage by sea, you can always take the 24 hour trip length Panama to Colombia ferry for $249 USD (about half of the week at sea cost).  The price includes 50 KG of luggage.  Contact www.SANBLASFERRY.com.  I've only heard that it may be amazingly disorganized.  No experience with this at all.

GETTING THERE IS NOT HALF THE FUN

APOLOGY

Sorry if this is a little choppy but that's what happens when a) I get off a boat after a week  b) I've had no access to wifi to publish the blog in two weeks with things actually happening  c) I'm feeling really funky.



JOURNEY TO PANAMA

Blowing through Panama and Costa Rica.  Gosh, I'm glad I sped through these countries.  They look like a slightly (20%?) cheaper and much much shitter version of the USA.  Beware when you see 'Outback Steakhouse' and such - means you are in an expensive zone.

Like the bus to Costa Rica, the bus to Panama makes no stops.  This makes for a slightly shorter and much more hellish trip.

Even if the bus is late, it may not affect your arrival if crossing the border.  The border is - believe it or not - closed during the night.  Why this is, I do not know.  Why the bus speeds there to make people stand around for a couple hours waiting for it to open is also a mystery.

While we were at a border, I managed to pass off a dollar I'd picked up somewhere that had some random markings on it.  Stained or done by some idiot with a pen or a stamp.  The guy selling drinks didn't want to take it but when I told him 'no problemo' and offered the drink back he found it in his heart to accept the bill.  Remember, the higher denomination of bill, the harder it is to pass along an imperfect one.  This is because uneducated people think perfect bills are less likely to be forgeries.  Sad.

Found out the 'executive seat' (ie first class) I'd bought was on a bus that offered nothing but.  When they are all 'first class', none are.

At around midnight, I had to do a foray to the bathroom.  Playing the 'cowboy game' (peeing standing up just hoping to get some in the toilet) is even harder while breaking and accelerating wildly as well as random swerves side to side.  How do you win this game?  By not peeing on yourself.  Or being a woman who has to sit on the toilet.

If some huge cereal crusher ever grabs me by the throat, slams me into a brick wall and growls into my face "Have you ever been in a small box shaken harder than a 6.0 earthquake while trying to pee into a small hole?"  I can stare that big brute in the eye and say "Yes I have."  And when he screams into my face with breath that can bleach bricks "And did you hit that hole?"  I can smile and say "Only by accident."

Of course we'd been told 'pee pee only' on this extremely long (either 12 or 24 hour - can't remember) bus ride as the toilet was broken.

That's luxury bus rides for you...

Panama style.



ENTRY INTO PANAMA

Getting into Panama is no joke.

For some reason I can't figure out, they think people will want to stay there.

My e-mail confirming my sea journey in the most preemptive and basic way was closely scrutinized.  They then asked for proof I had 500 USD.  Rather than making myself a target for a later mugging followed by rape followed by having my throat slit followed by having my corpse violated in unspeakable ways, I just held up my debit card.

The border guard then asked if I had my account statement.

His superior caught me giving his lackey the 'are you fucking nuts' look and came over and told his lackey to let me pass.

In terms of time spent at a border crossing, this was one of the worst.

But wait - there's more!

Everyone from the bus was then taken into a room with tables in a circle.  We were told to place our luggage upon the tables.  The guy who looked like a teacher then locked the door and did...roll call.

You'd better believe it.

It was the most tedious thing ever - especially since many of my fellow passengers seemed to have forgotten the fake name they were traveling under.

Eventually, the roll call was complete and then the bags were searched.

Well, actually, just by the teacher guy who did the roll call.  The other guys, including the one I had just ticked off the bags and told us to go out the other door.

I felt a bit bad for the people who had the teacher madly going through their bags in the most inefficient search I've seen in a bit.

Sad.

Eventually, I got dropped off on some street in Panama City.

A cab driver named Michael, fearing I would have all of my gear stolen picked me up and took me on the most expensive cab ride I've ever had - $55.  To be fair, it was hours of driving.  With a stop for food.

Eventually, we got to 'Hostel Wunderbar'.  Way, way out in the fucking middle of nowhere.  Really, extremely 'what the hell am I doing here' remote.

For the last couple days, I've stayed in 'Hostel Wunderbar'.  It's not.  This is one of those kind of places that has to trick people into staying there.  They aren't located near anything you want to do or see nor even close to where the boats leave - despite what they tell you.  And it's a noisy refurbished 1970's shithole.  With no wifi.  Despite them having a web page and answering e-mails.  Only the owners computer is allowed to touch the connection.  No, you can't touch the computer as you will cause evil spirits in the form of little understood 'viruses' to enter and destroy the computer.

Hell, I had to walk a couple hours to get wifi.  Not good.  Yes, I'll put a review on trip adviser about this later.  Like as soon as I get my passport back.  More on that later.

The choices you have for a room are $20 for one with mosquito netting next to a pool table or an uncomfortable 1970's style roomwith AC for $30.

Not only are they doing renovations on the building (ever ongoing) but they have a shop for doing work on boats.  You will get woken up at 7AM by machine shop crap.

One of the rough things is when an ATM tells you "Transaction cancelled by your bank" and then it tells your bank "Yeah, he got the money".  Oh, that is happy fun time when you have no easy access to wifi.  Skype saved the day, however.

People who want to 'get away from it all' either have it too rough where they're at or no fucking clue what that means.

The owners have an attitude that you are bothering them by staying there.  Why folks like this have a hostel is one of the great mysteries of life.

While there, I met up with two Swiss guys who were going to be taking the same boat as I.  Due to being lied to by the owners of Hostel Wunderbar, they thought it was going out a day sooner than it was but whatever.

So, we banded together and left that wretched place and went to Captain Jacks in Portobello Panama.

Captain Jacks is a decent though pricey hostel.  Their beers cost $2 each and a bed in the dorm about $13 or $15.  It is not great but not horrible either.  The food is very expensive ranging from $9 to $18.  This place is frequented by some fairly outlandish characters.

Fortunately, we (the two Swiss guys, I and an American we met at the hostel) got to meet our captain in the flesh here.  It turns out the boat was leaving from the town Captain Jacks is in, not the Hostel Wunderbar one hour away we'd been led to believe.

The next day, we would be starting our sea voyage!

Next blog entry, "Logan goes to sea".



CENTRAL AMERICA WRAP UP

Overall, I didn't really enjoy my time in Central America.  Most of it seems pretty trashy and it's priced way beyond what you get for your money.  Before you say "Oh Logan" I'd like to point out that many other tourists have echoed this.  So piss off.

I can't foresee any circumstances that would bring me back to Central America but now at least I can make an informed decision not to go there.



SEASIDE PHILOSOPHY

There seems to be a correlation between how trashy places are and how close they are to the sea or ocean.  This can only be overcome through grossly overpaying.



KINDLE PHILOSOPHY

It's weird because you can put every book you want to read - perhaps even will read on an easy to store Kindle.  People seem to have a lot of resistance to them.  "I just like the feel of paper." they tell me.  I'm wondering if another generation or two needs to die before people start to 'get it' - like with those people who were too suspicious of computers to ever use one.  We'll see.



VIDEOS

Pouring rain



JOKE

"How do you take your coffee?"

"By force, if necessary..."



COSTS

Tica Bus station:  For a small cup of coffee and a hot dog preserved from antiquity, 3.50 USD.  You can also rent a hotel room at the bus station for 30 USD per night.

PLOTTING NICARAGUA TO COLOMBIA

FERRY TICKETS

Rolled up to the ticket counter to buy a ticket for the ferry and had a Jim Galford moment.  (Note:  For those who don't know, Jim Galford is an author friend of mine who has been cursed by the gods to deal with amazingly inept people.  He writes about these incidents on Facebook.  Be sure to follow his page for many amusing stories which could - and perhaps should - be made into a sitcom.)

Logan:  "I'd like to buy a ticket for the ferry for tomorrow please."

Lady:  "We can't sell you a ticket."

Logan:  "Er?  Why not?  You're here, I'm here, you are obviously open."

Lady:  "It's not two o'clock!  We can't sell tickets for the ferry for tomorrow until after two!"  (She looked at Logan as though he'd just punted a cat after molesting it.)

"Ah.  It's four minutes until two."

Lady:  (After badmouthing Americans a bit in Spanish thinking I don't understand)  "After two!"

Logan:  "Why don't I go have a cigarette."

Cut to....2:01 PM!

Logan walks up to the counter.  The lady looks at him as though she'd never seen him before.

Lady:  "Yes?"

Logan:  (Scrolls through his mind like the Terminator, examining various statements and discarding the 'fun' ones as this lady may represent the only way off this money sucking island of unbelievable heat and shitty wifi.)  "I'd like to buy a ticket for tomorrows ferry."

Lady:  "Passport."

Logan:   "Shit.  I'll be back."



SCHEMING

TJ came up with a chipper idea of 'well screw Colombia if they want proof of onward transit.  This would normally be a good idea but other countries look about as bad down there.

Once I can 'break into' south America I should be OK for such things as border crossings and such, thanks to good advice from my personal travel mentor.

It's looking like I may be forced into taking a leisurely four day small boat ride through the waters of the Caribbean to get around the 'no road bandit infested you'd have to be mad to come here' area between Panama and Colombia overland route.  Curse my bad luck.

It's looking like it will be expensive weighing in at about $500.  This does look cheaper than the plane rides I've found which seem to route through the USA.  Presumably, nobody in Central America has any real interest in visiting anyone in South America.

Perhaps they don't get along.

Perhaps the gorillas act as a 'great wall' between Central and South.

Not really sure but it is certainly looking more expensive than a $50 bus ride.  Sure, more adventurous as well.  Boats occasionally go down.  Don't think we're going to be invaded by pirates because it's my understanding they pack the boat so full of people there won't be any room for them.

Doesn't appear that it is possible to catch a boat from anywhere other than Panama.

Sad.

If anyone has any ideas or wishes to contribute any information I'm grateful.



QUOTES

"I'd rather live a dangerous life than none at all trying to stay 'safe'." - Logan Horsford


Owner of the hostel after I came back from a long walk covered in sweat:  "You're melting!"
Logan:  "Yet the fat remains."

Later,

Logan:  "Hey man, do you want this pizza?  I bought it today, ate the other half and it's made me very sick."
Owner of the hostel:  "I'll give it to Roberto (the cleaning guy).  He eats anything."



TRAVELER'S LORE

Don't use the money exchangers to get local currency within Central America.  The local populace sees US dollars as more stable and reliable and give better rates than that band of pirates.  Note that denominations larger than $20's may be difficult for many places to exchange.  Here, as in Asia you often come upon merchants who keep no change handy as they apparently weren't expecting to do any business.

UTILA AND SCUBA DIVING...THE REAL COSTS

SCUBA DIVING

I'd heard that 'Honduras is the cheapest place in the world to get certified in SCUBA diving.'

This may be true but the costs people have run by me in the past are wildly off.  Lets break down what the actual costs are and how much you're going to need to get involved with this hobby.


The basic cost to get certified in 'open water' (as opposed to someone's swimming pool I suppose) is about $300 (give or take 10%).  The course lasts for four days.

In addition, the dormitory room is thrown in for free.

That didn't sound too bad until I saw a couple of them...And smelled them.

If you don't mind staying in a filthy room that smells strongly of ass, this is a good option.


Should you wish to upgrade to a private room, the cheapest I could find here (at the Captain Morgan's dive center) adds $30 per day or $120 for the four day course.

This ups your cost to about $420 if you'd like to sweat your ass off in a private room instead.


Air conditioning?  You thought that price included air conditioning?  No.  Electricity on islands is expensive.  Add ten dollars a day.  We're now at $460.  Believe me, even in the slightly sometimes it's cooler rainy season, you want electricity.

Now you're going to need to eat and drink while you are here.  It always makes me want to punch tourists that say "This is cheap compared to back home!"

Because everything you eat and buy is imported to the island, it costs more than the mainland.

The average meal seems to cost about 150L.  Lets say either three meals a day or two and some beverages.  Maybe even a bit of alcohol.  We could go with $22 per day but the reality will be closer to $30 per day.  Don't forget that the government here smelled extra profit to be made and stuck a hefty VAT (value added tax though it is unclear what the 'value' part is) onto things and the merchants pass that directly on to the consumer.  At $30 per day we're up to $580.

If you want to buy knickknacks and small gifts for people you'll have to budget for that.  I think planning on $20 per person you are buying for is safe but I don't buy knickknacks so that's just an educated guess.

After you get certified, you're going to want to do 'fun dives'.  These are $25 each but they sell them in pairs (the boat thing) so call them $50 and you get two 45 minute dives.

This doesn't include incidentals like actually getting to the island (nearly 500L) and away again, doing extra excursions while on the island and so on.

No clue how many of these you'll want to indulge in but it would make sense to get some experience and see a bunch of natural beauty after going through all the trouble to qualify for it.

For me, this seems a bit too expensive of hobby to indulge in.  Not sure if for the call it $700 to $1000 I'd blow through in a week it would be worth it to sit around for several months in cheap digs trying not to do anything but suck down on water bottles to have a bit of fun like that.

Honestly, I thought the price would be half of what it is.   I'm sure there are plenty of people who would argue (rightly) that they did it for a lot less than the costs I've computed.  Honestly though, if you are going to do something like this you want to have a good time and not worry about penny pinching everything.

End recommendation, take a grand with you to blow through and have fun.

COPAN RUINAS AND ON TO LA CEIBA

THE PLAN THUS FAR

Current thinking:

Monday, go buy a ticket to Le Ceiba.  Tuesday, go there.  Arriving on the weekends to a new place is not great.

If I can find a comfortable and very cheap place in La Ceiba, loiter there for a bit.  Otherwise, get on to Utilia and check out their scuba diving.  After that, Nicaragua.

Gotta get to Costa Rica before the extremely short visa they give for the four countries in the middle of central America runs out.  After there and possibly Panama it's on to south America.



HAPPINESS IS

When traveling,

Happiness is:

Being able to fart without fear it will be like soft serve ice cream delivered with a high pressure air hose.



LAUNDRY

Back when I was living in the states and a single person would tell me "I have to stay home and do the laundry today." I would take it for granted that meant either: "I have found something better to do." or "I just want to putter around my house today." I just got done doing laundry. With a washboard. Different story when I say "I've got to do the laundry." That means I'll be splashing around in stagnant water rubbing soap the size and shape of a can of coke (or pepsi if you prefer) over clothing and using them on the washboard for a bit.



CLEANING STAFF

Never mess with the cleaning staff.  Been my motto for years.   I try to be polite and considerate of them.

Why?

1.  Cleaning up other peoples crap for lousy pay is a hard job.
2.  They have full access to my room.  Don't want them to slip a snake into my bed or something.



LA CEIBA

Well, I am in La Saba (Honduras). It is a grim and depressing city that is extremely dangerous.

A couple of expats I spoke with at the bus station told me it was too dangerous to walk around anywhere - even in the day time.

After getting a taxi to my one night hotel (also grim and depressing) the owner felt the need to stand outside with me on the street while I smoked to make sure I didn't get rolled.

So happy I am out of here tomorrow.

Compared to Copan, this place is also crazy expensive.  Twenty USD seems the cheapest one can get a hotel room.  I'm staying at a place called 'The Stadium' - don't recommend it though they want me to write a review on it.

Be careful what you wish for.

The choices in town seem to be this place, a more expensive hotel or one outside of town that appeals to the 'lets go to the jungle' crowd.  I've been in enough jungles for awhile.



VIDEO

Copan Ruinas 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7



COSTS

Hotel room - very basic in Copan normally 15 USD, haggled down to 10 for long term.  In La Ceiba, 20 USD.

Food in La Ceiba, about 200 L plus 40-50 per drink.  Bit on the 'fuck you' side of costs for me.  Food was decent but I just had a burger and fries.

HONDURAS

HONDURAS

I took a long and rough bus ride from Guatemala to Honduras.  It's not like riding around in the states.  Imagine being on a 'washboard road' (lots of bumps) and your closer.  Add in huge potholes, plenty of swerving around, a driver who is an adrenaline junkie and you are closer still.  Travel in many parts of the world is not the smooth highways you can fall asleep in.

On the advice of others I went to Copan aka Copan Ruinas (the ruins of Copan).  They have what I am told is a somewhat mediocre Mayan site here.  Other tourists have told me the one in Guatemala is much better.  I don't know, haven't been.

Why go to Honduras if not to see the sites?

Scuba diving.

While in Indonesia, I learned that Honduras is *the* place for scuba diving.  Cheapest in the world to dive and some nice stuff in the Caribbean.

My strategy is simple.  Live as poor as possible for a month, then go to Utila to learn to scuba dive.  After snorkeling around the clear waters off Indonesia's Gili Islands, it became a goal.

Unfortunately, living cheaply for a month is harder than it sounds.  Well, for someone like me anyway.  [Note, if you want Logan to 'get on with it', go to the paypal 'donate' button on the bottom of the page.  Once I get $600 I'm off to Utila.]

One of the problems with Honduras is that you have to eventually pass through a city called San Pedro Sula.

Not a nice place.

If you'd clicked the wikitravel link above, you'll notice they have an average of three homicides per day.

Awesome.

Sadly, there is no practical way to avoid this town.  It is the transport hub of the country.

So you will be going through it if you visit Honduras.

I was talking with a travel agent about San Pedro Sula and mentioned it was currently 'the murder capital of the world'.

Travel agent:  "Don't call it that.  It's just a copy paste by journalists."

Logan:  "That's a lot of copy pasting!  How about 'Death City'?

Travel agent:  (Gives Logan a hard look.)

Logan:  "Even Detroit was down in the forties.  (Pounding on her desk)  They need to TRY HARDER!"

Travel agent:  (Sighs and shakes her head.)



SECTION FOR AMERICANS

Don't read any of the shit about central America.  It is geared to scare you and in my experience thus far has proven not to be true.  People I've met don't disdain Americans - they want to find out what state you live in so they can tell you about a relative or friend who lives in a different random state.



FUCKING AND FIGHTING ALL NIGHT LONG

In the USA (can't say America here, technically, I'm in America) they humanely destroy strays.  Bleeding hearts whine about this as they whine about many things.

After listening to cats, dogs and the hated roosters fuck and fight all night long I've decided I'd like them and their owners or previous owners all humanely destroyed.  Along with the bleeding heart people.

PS:  Cats fucking still better than music.



COPAN

Currently staying in 'Iguana Azul' (Blue Iguana for those at home).  No major bitches.  The private room is normally 15 USD per night but I haggled him down to 10 USD with the promise of staying for a long time.  Which I have so he has no bitches either.  The place is fine - decent wifi.  Unfortunately, the bathrooms are outside.  Hence, if you want to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and it's raining, you get wet.  In better news, they do have a washboard and soap I can use for free to clean my clothing.  Much cheaper than the only place who thought to offer a laundry service in town wants.



RESTAURANTS WITHIN COPAN

Within town are two main restaurants the tourists seem to hit.   Twisted Tanyas and Via Via.  Although the latter has decent two for one drink specials the food and service in both are shoddy.  You pay for the ambiance.  I've been going to the Honduran equivalent of 'fast food' places (not at all like McDonalds) and also the local favorite 'Commodore Mary's'.



WHOSE SPIDEY SENSE WAS TINGLING?

Was doing something else while opening a bottle of water.  Froze.  Something wrong.  Pondered and discovered that I didn't feel the plastic seal tear.

Do I think someone has refilled the bottle with whatever water was available in order to make a dollar off an unsuspecting buyer?

Fuck yes I do.

Into the sink with it!



COSTS

Meal, with drink, small mom and pop place - under 100 HNL
Meal in upscale place, with drink - under 200 HNL

Anything more expensive than that I've not eaten.

Room with air conditioning, 20 USD

DIGGING DEEPER INTO GUATEMALA

DIGGING DEEPER INTO GUATEMALA

One of the very nice things about being a traveler (opposed to a tourist) is you have no set plans.  No schedule other than what you choose to set.  Or what the visiting government has set as their 'Get the fuck out of my country' date.

After a day or two I got bored with Antigua.  While loitering around my 125Q per night hotel, I strike up a conversation with a couple tourists.  They ask the usual questions and are curious as to what I want to do in Guatemala.

"Well, right now I want to relax."

Antigua is pretty expensive for that.  They recommended San Pedro.  For USD 10 and four or five hours of my life I can be there.  Why not.



OH HELL YEAH

You can never tell where a random conversation with a couple of nice people is going to take you.  This one took me to a lush jungle lake town with friendly locals and cheap prices.  They've got quite a good expat community and everything seems very nice here.

For those who don't carefully read every word I commit to the ages,

When you travel, find expats.  They know what you want to know - especially if you are staying in an area for more than three days.  Three or less is a pit stop.



BETTER LIVING THROUGH LYNCHING

Living close to the 'raggedy edge'....

I'm staying in a pretty idyllic town.  Jungle, lake, quiet.

All that was shattered when three natives went into a bar and started waving guns around.  Oddly, they weren't robbing the place.  They were just showing their power.

According to locals I've spoken with, the local cops are worse than useless.

Logan:  "So what will happen?"
Innkeeper:  "Well, they'll be out of here by tomorrow one way or the other.  There might be a lynching, bodies dumped in the lake."
Logan:  "I'd like to point out I've already paid my tab."
Innkeeper:  "We're not worried about you."

Slice of my life.

PS:  Do NOT tell me to 'be safe'.  I know it's an American thing but I'm here for adventure - not safety.



UNSKILLED LABOR, REVISITED

I've mentioned it before with my story from India about the air conditioner repair man.  Had another baffling case of it today.

I'd ordered a custom made shirt for 100Q (about $12).  Got there and the woman told me she had a problem.  Not a problem for me but a problem for her.

Despite having taken my measurements and seen me before she had used too much material on the shirt.  Hence it would cost 150Q if I still wanted it.  I didn't so I left.  She apologized saying it was her problem.

This brings up several baffling questions.

I'd be willing to bet this woman has done sewing and stuff for over twenty years.  How can you NOT figure out how much material and come up with a price for it?

Also, who the hell will she sell it to?  I've not seen any locals my size and the store is off of the tourist trail.  Now she has to sit on that inventory indefinitely rather than sell it at break even or a slight loss?

So when people talk about 'unskilled labor' in other countries, sometimes they are talking about people who have done their job for over ten years and still have no clue what's going on.

Baffling.



SPANISH

So I recently stole a 'how to speak spanish' podcast thing.
Christ, it is boring.
If they had fun phrases like:
"Don't shoot me"
"There is a schnitzel in my leiderhosen"
"Why do you play so much fucking hippy music"
"Where can I find a midget?"

Then it would be much more interesting.

And useful.



LOGAN DISLIKES MUSIC

Why I prefer the sounds of two cats screwing as opposed to music:

If I say I don't like the noise, nobody looks at me as if I'm insane.

Nobody tries to tell me that if perhaps I heard different cats fucking, I'd enjoy it more.

Nobody asks me which cats I like to listen to fuck in a clever ruse to subject me to noises of their preferred cats fucking.

It's softer than a live band.

If you kill the cats, you will just get a fine.

There was no evil human influence behind the cats decision to fuck just outside my window.  If there was, I wouldn't be the only person deeply concerned.

The cats don't expect you to tip them.

Disclaimer:  I have respect for those who can play instruments, have worked hard on them, etc.  Should I pay to go to a concert, I'll be interested in hearing it.  If you come to me with an instrument and just start playing, I'm going to start looking for some 'in heat' cats to have near you while you're trying to go to sleep.



SOME NOTES ON GUATEMALA AND HONDURAS

Within both countries, not many people seem to smoke openly.  It could be a religious thing but perhaps the price of cigarettes (double to triple some countries in SE Asia) keeps people from using them.

Moza is a dark, though not bitter Guatemalan beer popular with Logan.

For somewhere around $150 per week, you can live with a family and take four hours a day of Spanish lessons.  Eventually, this might happen but for now the Laziness Monster is winning.

As with many countries in which the natives don't really understand counterfeiting, old wrinkled bills are often not taken.  They want crisp, fresh and perhaps newly minted ones.

Maximum from ATM machines (both countries) seems to be about 200 USD.  That sucks when you have to pay charges each time you withdraw money.

The cheap meals in both countries (3 small tacos or one extremely deflated burrito) runs around 1.50 USD.

The countries in South America (Guatemala, Honduras, El Salvador and Nicaragua) once upon a time had a little agreement where you could travel within all of them as though they were one country for a grand total of three months.  For whatever reason, Honduras said 'fuck it' and quit.  Hence, you can go to the other countries for a total of almost three months, duck into Honduras and hey presto get a three month visa.  There is only one little problem with that.  The other countries count Honduras as 'still in'.  When you leave Honduras, they will tell you your visa expired long ago and probably fine you.  The only way out of Honduras overland is sadly through one of the countries still playing this strange game.  If you really need to prolong your visa, check with the expats there - they've got some sort of system involving Mexico down.

While I was in San Pedro, I discovered it was possible to go to another town along the same lake via tuk tuk for 10Q (about 1.25 USD).  Despite the stories of tuk tuk drivers taking their passengers out into the wilderness, killing them and reanimating their corpses to fill their ever growing armies of the undead I went anyway.  San Juan was nice.  Not all that great, but nice.  Didn't have the charm of San Pedro.  Did a bit of walking around and couldn't find a hotel anywhere near the city center.  Later, I heard there was stuff down near the lake but the town didn't look interesting enough to hold my attention for more than a couple hours.

After deciding that San Pedro was nice but not quite cheap enough to save money (too many expat temptations there) I decided to go to Copan Ruinas - right over the border in Honduras.  The five or so hour shuttle ride was hellish.  To continue on toward the Bay Islands, home of scuba diving, will require passing through San Pedro Sula - aka 'Murder Town'.  According to wiki travel, they have three homicides a day.  Hopefully, none of them will be Logan.  While it is easy to say "Well, duh, avoid the town" it's not really possible.  It is a major transportation hub.

Wish I'd not read up any on Guatemala and other countries before coming here.  They make it sound scary as fuck.  It's not.  Bit like living near the worse areas of any town.  Sing it "In the ghetto..."!  Keep your wits and don't get shanked.  Leave bling layin around and it be walkin'.  I'm going back to my hood roots yo.

When I crossed over the border from Guatemala to Honduras, it seemed to get more brown.  Not sure why, it rains plenty in Honduras as well.

Neither country seems to really lower prices during the off season.  Might be part of the reason they don't have more off season business.



NERO PLAYING (This is the LARP, live action roleplay.  If you have no interest in this, skip to next section for pricing in Guatemala and Honduras.)

Disclaimer:  These are all my views.  If you have your own views you can either leave them in the comments section or start your own blog.

Since I get asked from time to time how to play NERO, I thought I'd put some of my advice here so I can simply refer others to this.

There are four kinds of healers:

Templars (they heal themselves):  Don't play until 25th or 35th level.  Being a templar before then means you suck at two different occupations.

Circle healers:  These are usually out of shape people - like me - who sit around the healing circle.  You bring people to them for healing - they don't or can't come to you in time.  This is the class to play for the obese or crippled.  Or those who can't throw.  Again, like me.

Bind-O-Mancers:  These are the people who either chuck chaos or pin/web/bind/confine.  These guys work on taking out monsters.  Sadly, because most plot teams suck at statting monsters, these don't exist that often due to the high number of resists/returns/immune monsters have.

Backpacks:  These are arguably the hardest healers to play and probably the most valuable.  These are the guys who are attached permanently to ONE fighter.  They cast a magic armor on the fighter just as a monster is calling a slay then they call the defense for the magic armor for the fighter.  They pump small amounts of healing into the fighter - just enough to keep him up.  While the fighter in front of them ALWAYS has a sword and board (sword and shield) don't backpack those who don't - you usually lose.   The fighters job is simple.  Never back up and run over the healer.  Never sprint away from the healer.  Just keep swinging those 10's and catch everything thrown at you - never dodge.  The healer should be calling their defenses and fixing everything that goes wrong with them.  A good backpack keeps the fighter going almost indefinitely.

Do's:

A good healer NEVER carries a weapon.  Their weapon is the fighter.  Carrying a weapon slows casting and changes the focus of the healer from casting to ineffectually fighting.  If you want to find a shitty healer, look for one who carries a weapon.  Carrying a two handed weapon (example a 2H staff) in this game system is the mark of a wildly incompetent healer.  If they tell you 'it's for blocking' or some such it is a sign they don't get the game of NERO.

A good healer always keeps count of how many people go out on a mod then counts again when returning.

A good healer always just throws healing at someone rather than uses healing arts.  If a cure light doesn't get them back up, check if they are dead and ask for 'visible effects'.  But first use a cure light or '10 elemental healing' - they might be a couple seconds from dead.  If they call a 'shield magic' hit them again with the same.

A good caster (any) always double taps the target.  If someone casts one spell then waits to see what the call is, they are incompetent.

When any caster first starts out, they don't have many spells or body.  They get to either whine they have no spells or do the 'crap jobs'.  Crap jobs include, force feeding people with 'cure light wounds' potions, gathering packets and giving them to other casters and soaking slays instead of letting them hit the fighters.  Example:  If a healer has 5 HP and something throws a 100 point slay, you have the option of either healing 100 HP of the fighters damage or a cure light on the healer and hey, they are back to almost full HP.

A good healer never heals someone who is up and walking around.  Someone with 1 HP swings just as hard as if they are at full HP.  It is better to let a circle healer get them back to full later and save your healing spells for keeping them going.  The fighter will bitch but tough.  I've seen people who have only 20 body wanting to get healed to full.  That shows they don't know how to play NERO.

A good NERO player always travels to different chapters and learns from their best PC's.  Otherwise, they don't learn how the game is played.  People who never travel inevitably become lame and clickish over time.  Not sure why, that's just how it happens.



COSTS

Cheap meal, 1.50 USD
Cigarettes, 3 USD
Regular meal, 8 USD
Drink at a bar, 1.50 USD
Water, liter, about 1.10 USD
Coffee (not as good as you think it should be for central America), 1.10 USD
Boat across lake to different town, 25Q.  Health and safety nightmare.  If it sinks, you die.
Shuttle, San Pedro to Copan via Antigua (with mandatory sleep over and a three mutherfucking AM wake up), 200Q.
Room in Copan with detached walk through the rain if you want to use it in the middle of the night bathroom and shower, 10 USD after haggling.

WHERE YOU BEEN FAT BOY?

Hillbillies vs Hicks vs Rednecks

One of the questions I've been asked quite often has been "What is the difference between hillbillies, hicks and rednecks?"

I suspect that the answer will vary depending on who is asked.

One answer was given by Jack who is starring in some of the videos below:

"Rednecks farm, hicks collect trash and hillbillies marry family."  (Meaning brothers marry their sisters, etc.)

From Brian the answer we get is:

"Hillbillies are born, rednecks are by choice.  Hicks exist everywhere - there are so many different types."


And from my friend Kevin, who is a hick, he says it's regional as to which someone is.  See 'Cooler Corn' videos below.



BIT OF CONVERSATION

Seth P. and I were talking:

Logan:  "My parents had some of their friends over.  They told me to be 'charming'.
Seth P (laughing):  "Do they know who you are?"
Logan:  "They really don't."



Welcome to the world

And, once you're in it:

NERO STORY

In NERO, it seems that lots of people want to 'become nobility'.  Usually, this is a sign of 'raging ego'.  They like other players bowing and scraping.  I've never been into this.   The only reason I made Lumsie any sort of nobility was it fit into the story.  Because it was 'from another dimension', it was rarely taken at all seriously.  So I'm at the NERO event and the head of the Bloodguard (can't remember his name, I called him 'the Captain') had pretty much taken over NERO Nebraska.  He stopped by with all of his players and said "Bow to Lumsie!"  They all did.  I was feeling pretty awkward and uncomfortable till I looked over at Derek Jones (playing Blizzard) who had a WTF look on his face.  That made it all worthwhile.



WHERE YOU BEEN FAT BOY?

Apologizes to the readers of this blog for not posting much during "Logan's Home Invasion".

While in the USA, I didn't do 'tourist things'.  I met up with a lot of very cool, kind individuals.  Honestly, my interactions with them were of huge interest to me - but not so much to people who don't know them.  Also, since I'm in their homes, didn't want to breech their privacy with my 'unique' reporting style.  It felt good to take a vacation from my...er...vacation?  Lifestyle?

And now, the thank yous...

Thanks to the trip coordinators within each state for working their asses off coordinating stays and rides.

A heartfelt thank you for all of the people I stayed with who provided time, effort, food, alcohol, cigarettes and in some cases even paid for my NERO events.  They went so far above and beyond the call of duty - or even common hospitality - that it blows my mind.  My favorite activity was sitting around and getting to know you all better.

Thanks to the NERO chapters who comped my events and to those who made me feel at home.  Although I really don't 'play' NERO any more, the chance to meet up with other NERO players, tell stories, train, and, in the few cases where the plot teams had any flexibility, to get people involved with a 'Lumsie story' was a lot of fun.

For those who don't know what a 'Lumsie story' is:  It's been over a decade (?) since I've played NERO.  For some unknown reason, stories involving Lumsie (my character at NERO) are still going round the campfire.  It is weird being a celebrity - even in such a limited way.  For those who don't know what NERO is, it is a LARP.

Almost everyone I stayed with is a NERO player.  When you get involved with NERO, it is joining a new family.  A huge, strange, dysfunctional and at times incestuous family - but a good family nonetheless.  It's a family I'm proud to be in.

PS:  If I missed anyone in my thank you's, let me plead pre-Alzheimer's.



FOOD WITHIN AMERICA

Warning to my readers not from 'Merica.

The food there doesn't do you any favors.

It's very good going in...  But...

I don't know if it's that it is all 'Frankenfood' but it was worse on me than street vendor food in NW India.  Considering that I ate either homemade or small non-fast food restaurant food exclusively, this is alarming.



STRANGE STUFF

It's very strange to be a world traveler.  This is so far outside of many people's lives they just can't really grasp it.  Or don't care.  Honestly, I expected to be quizzed a lot more about my travels than I was.  Instead, many conversations went like this:

Host:  "So, you're a world traveler."
Logan:  "Yes."
Host:  "I have a cat named Tibbles."

And we talk about their cat.  Very odd.



HEADED TO GUATEMALA

I flew on Spirit Air.  For some reason, they wanted 'proof of onward transport'.  This is not required by the countries I'm visiting.  I suspect it has something to do with the OCD displayed by air carriers.  Beware of it and have a fake ticket prepared.

Since wiki was full of scary shit about Guatemala, I decided to first visit the protect tourist place of Antigua Guatemala (Old Guatemala).   From the airport, it was only 80Q (about 10 USD) for a nice shuttle ride.  Passing through the capital, there seemed to be nothing of interest other than poverty and desperation.

It is more expensive in Antigua Guatemala but it should provide a good way to settle back into traveling.  The hotel room I've got seems fine though I may have discovered what I call 'fun and games' (aka shenanigans) being done by the hotel to charge extra money not on the bill.  Got to check it out.  If so, I'll move and put up an unfavorable review of 'Posada Juma Ocag'.  We'll see how it goes.

Haven't seen anything in 'Antigua' that seems to be a reason for tourists to come here.  Very baffling.  Perhaps it is a center point for exploring Guatemala.  Not sure.  Hell, there don't seem to be many tourists around.  Much less than say Kathmandu.   What they do have is a lot of guards and police armed with pistol gripped, pump action shot guns and wary looks as well as bars on every window.

Yippie ki yay.



VIDEOS

Beach
Magic Show
Cookout
Cookout 2 - the reckoning
Mini-house
Torturing Children
Tonia the Tour Guide
Unfriendly Plant
Tonia the Musician
Tonia the Witch
Whose Momma's little...
Cooler Corn 1 & 2 (yes, it was delicious)
Call Her Boo
Real Juggling

JUST VIDEOS

OFFENSIVE?

VIRGINIA AND GUNS

Be sure to check out Around Pizza for all your pizza needs.  I'm betting they don't get robbed much.



VIDEOS

Park Fun
Reaction to South Park 
TJ Environment (warning, pretty dark picture)
Frisbee Golf 1, 2
Video Games
Norfolk
Get off my lawn!
Screw walking
What's this for?
Travis Frogger

LOGAN'S HOME INVASION

LOST IN TRANSLATION

Innkeeper:  I hope the child isn't making too much noise.
Logan:  Don't worry - the noise they make is only one of the two reasons I don't want to have kids.
Innkeeper:  (pause)  You don't like children?
Logan:  Their little voices cut through my soul like broken glass.  Other than that, they're fine.
Innkeeper:  (smiles uncertainly)  So kid no problem?
Logan:  None for me thanks, none of that immaculate conception rubbish either.  If I end up being someone's father I want my five seconds of joy in return for eighteen years of suffering.
Innkeeper:  I don't understand you.
Logan:  I get that a lot - even in America.



FES AIRPORT NOTE

They have two different money changers.  The government one you must produce a receipt showing you got money out of the ATM or a receipt of exchange in order to use them.  The non-government one, you grab your ankles.



CONDOR AIRWAYS

You check in either via telephone (ancient tech) or online.  For online check in, you are required to reserve your seat.  According to the website, if you don't check in two  hours or more before your flight, they threaten you with losing your seat.  Online, the seat reservation is either a 'joker' reservation where they put you in any seat they want for 5 EUR or pick a seat for 15 EUR.  I picked a seat away from everyone else and ended up getting two seats for the ten hour flight. Worth it.

Also, unlike Ryan Air, Condor was very helpful in the terminal and printed off my boarding pass.  Condor Air seemed much nicer to deal with.

If you are too lame to carry standard headphones, Condor Air is happy to rent you some to watch the in flight movies for 3.50 EUR.



AIRPORT NOTES

Sitting and people watching at an airport is a good time.  I lost count of how many people I saw sprinting through the airport, apparently late for their plane.  Even a couple people who completely missed it.  Why more people don't show up several hours early when they have so much money riding on the line is a mystery.



FRANKFORT AIRPORT NOTES

They have two different airports.  One is Hahn which is no where close to Frankfort and the other is Frankfort International Airport.

For 14 EUR, you can take a pretty comfortable bus between the two for the couple hour drive.

While on this bus, I met up with a German girl who is 'from' and has lived in more nations than I can remember.  We chatted until she literally fell asleep.  If I were able to strike up conversations with pretty girls this easily when I was young, I'd have been a menace.



ARRIVAL IN THE STATES

First thing in the states, I told the people at customs I was 'jonesing for a cigarette'.  They informed me smoking on airport grounds was an 'arrestable offence' and this late at night all of the taxis were gone so I'd have to walk off airport grounds to have a smoke.   I made dismaying noises and they all had a good laugh at my expense.

This is good because they were so busy laughing they didn't search my bags.  I had 'a few' extra cigarettes and my meds which might have otherwise been seized.

For those wondering, yes, I intentionally fed them that straight line.



ORLANDO AIRPORT NOTES

Homeland security seems to have taken over the airports and is now making people remove their shoes and hop into the "I can see you naked" machine in order to continue justifying their huge budget.



NOTE ON TRAVEL DISTANCES IN THE USA

For my European friends, a good example why you need a vehicle:  My friend Tim lives approximately 50 KM away from where he regularly shops.  Bit too far to comfortably walk.  Everything in America (aside from in the big cities) is a ways away.



RACIAL PROFILING

My friend Tim was wearing a Ghutra (traditional Arabic head wrap) because he likes it and during the summer it keeps your head cool.

We were approaching a Chinese restaurant to see if it was still open.  As we walked toward it, we both heard a 'click' from the door of Stafford Ballet Academy.

They locked the fucking door in fear we might think about entering.

It wouldn't surprise me if the proprietor was hiding behind the counter, frantically dialing 911.



BIG BAG WEIGHT

Bloated up to 16.7 KG.  I'm going to dump a bunch of stuff very soon.

In the US, it was 36.5 LBS.  I looked shocked and protested - so used to kilos.  "It's in American." she explained.  Yes, welcome back to  the land of obsolescent measuring systems.



PARENTAL IRONY

When I told my parents I was going to Central and South America, they immediately warned me of drug cartels.  In Morocco, one of the cities I visited (Essouara?  The 'Blue City')  actually produces one quarter of all the hash consumed in the world.



PHILOSOPHY

Why was the person who invented 'babble headed dolls' allowed to live?

On idealistic 18-20 year olds and those who 'want to save the world':  "Kind of like watching someone paint their house with water colors.  It's amusing and a little sad.  You know that after the first big rain, most of it will be swept away and that the whole thing is ultimately fruitless."



QUOTES

(From Dave, Tim Van Theemsche's friend):  "If you do meet Logan, you'll know why Tim is the way he is."

Touching!



VIDEOS

Weaving in Fes

And, from America:
Swing Hat
American Dream
Malls explained 1, 2, 3, 4
Sunlight hurts
Tim in native environment



COSTS

Duty free cigarettes (on Condor Air), 39.50 EUR in a 'two for one' deal.  I'd heard smokes were 8 USD per pack.  In Virginia (tobacco growing state) they are 5 USD per pack.

In USA:

Beer, in restaurant, on sale, approx .3 liter, 3 USD
Lunch special (two meals of food), $11

Note, in the USA how they keep the herd fat is they offer insane deals like "If you want half an order (of food) it is $8 - full sized order is $9."  For a 16 oz (?) drink it is 1.49 USD.  Double the size, 1.69 USD.  Americans have no chance.

POOP

POOP

Asked the guy at the hotel I'm staying at for more toilet paper.

Guy: "You want more toilet paper?"
Logan: (pause) "I like to poop."

                                                             EVERYBODY POOPS!



CAMEL BURGER

Just got done eating a 'camel burger'.

Real camel meat.  It's not just a name.

For those wondering what 'camel' tastes like, to me it was a rough sort of meat with a slightly 'curdled' taste which mustard helps with.

It is understandable why this hasn't caught on like our friend the cow, but if you're in the desert with an extra camel it would make some fine eating.  Especially compared with sand.

BTW - the salad is an IQ test.  If you eat it, you have failed.  For those wondering why, ask yourself what water they use to wash it off...  Hint:  not bottled.  So, yes the salad is probably healthy for you but is it worth the risk of 1-3 days sitting on the toilet with 'traveler's tummy'?

While I was at the Clock Cafe, I met up with a group of Americans there studying Classical Arabic.  Why they would go to Morocco (which speaks Moroccan Arabic) to study Classical is a complete mystery to me.  It's kind of like going to Brazil to learn Spanish.  Sure, you can learn it there but they don't normally speak it there and many other countries do.

In addition to this baffling behavior, one of the girls was excitedly babbling about being half an hour away from anyone she knew in a country she did not speak the language of.  Clearly, she and I have different definitions of 'adventure'.



WHY THEY DON'T EAT CAT'S AND DOGS

Found out this is against religious law.  Not eating of cats and dogs specifically but eating any animal which eats the flesh of another is prohibited.  If the chickens had learned about that years ago they could have saved themselves a lot of grief.



UNDERCOVER POLICE

Unknown to Logan, undercover police prowl around keeping tourists kind of safe.  They will make sure you don't get assaulted.  No problem with you getting scammed and pestered but they will keep you from getting beaten or killed.  Morocco knows that protecting its tourist trade is important.



PRICES FROM GREECE

My friend Conner is traveling in Greece and sent back these prices:

Bottle of ouzo: 8.50€
Waterfront dinner: 12-20€
Nice Dinner off the waterfront: 5-10€
Mid range hotel for 1: 20-30€
2 bed dorm: 12€ (where I'm staying)
Dessert: 3-6€
4 apples, 4 carrots, 4 sesame honey bars: 5€
They seem to have an amount that is preset as the locals' bargained price (usually 15-25% less) if you are willing to act a bit.



PRICES (FES)

Camel Burger (Clock Cafe), 95 MAD
Almond Shake (interesting), 20 MAD
Note, the Clock Cafe staff expect 10% gratuity - and it actually seems to go to the staff...

YE GODS I'M STILL IN FES

FES

The machines within the old city dispense only up to 2000 MAD.  If you have to expose your 'rusty sheriffs badge' to your bank every time you withdraw money (like me) then take care of that within the new town where you can withdraw up to 4000 MAD.  The taxi ride both ways will be approximately 20-25 MAD on the meter.

The metered, regulated 'petite' taxis are unable to go to the airport.  This inconveniently lies just outside of the city of Fes.  Therefore, you are stuck taking the overpriced 'grande taxi' for 120-150 MAD.  If you want to save a couple dirham, take the petite taxi to the train station.  From there, it is reported a cheap bus sometimes goes to the airport.



MOROCCO ON DRUGS

You get offered drugs several times a day.  In one of the cities I was in, I had a conversation with a tourist about it.

Tourist:  "You want some hash?"
Logan:  "Thanks, but I'm really not interested in spending time in a Moroccan prison."
Tourist:  "Hash is legal in Morocco."
Logan:  "Really?  What's your source?"
Tourist:  "Really - it's legal."
Logan:  "Good to hear - but again, what is your source?"
Tourist:  "Um.  The guy who sold me the hash."

I just stared at him like he was stupid.  Don't know because doesn't want to know...



DEATH AND REBIRTH OF THE NETBOOK

My netbook was demanding a systems administrator with a boot disc so I took it down to Abdulla's Computer Shop for him to take a look.  After waiting an hour and a half in front of the shop (confusing the Moroccans) he showed up and tinkered with it for five minutes, charged me 50 MAD and I was on my way.

Were I in the USA, I'd still need to get it fixed to strip the information off it and stick it into a new laptop.

Fuck netbooks.  Never buy a netbook.  You can't play games.  If you're a tourist, you may not have time but as a long term traveler, time is not your enemy.  You need the games.

When I get to the states, I'm going to see if I can afford a new laptop and perhaps get my computer expert friend, Bert, to help me select one.  I'm not sure if he reads this blog but as I type this statement I wonder if he feels that someone has walked on his grave.

When I buy the laptop, I want to paint the top of it some sort of unwholesome color.  Where's your resale value now, bitch?  Planning ahead for thieves.



STRAY CATS

Strays in Fes seem to be 'city supported' pets.  People put out food for them, make homes for them and so on.  To my eyes, this seems very odd indeed.  Especially when there are so many beggars and such.



MOROCCAN ARABIC

This is a pretty weird dialect of Classical Arabic.  It incorporates French, Berber and lots of slang.

Berber itself has three (or more?) distinct dialects.

Here, Classical Arabic is taught in schools and is considered the 'administrative language'.

Every day in Morocco, you get to speak a mixture of English, French, Spanish, Arabic, Moroccan Arabic, etc.



TOUR GUIDES SUCK

Aside from my earlier rants on tour guides, they really suck.  Every day, they gather like priests before the alter of money at the gate to the medina and attempt to either guide or scam (depending if they have their government card - most don't) groups of silly tourists.

A group of three girls was looking like they were lost and I asked if they were looking for a place to stay.  Their price was lower than the one I was at so I couldn't help and move on.  One of the unlicensed 'guides' (read as a multi-lingual beggar) yelled at me helping tourists was not my job.  I laughed at him and moved on.  What a great bunch.  This is why God invented flame throwers.

It is touts like these why there is no camaraderie between tourists in countries like this...

Disclaimer:  I have met some qualified, professional, polite tour guides.  Usually, these are hired well before I see them and potentially before the people have entered the country.  They are expensive but if you are into tour guides, worth it.  Don't use the crap you find loitering around the gate if you are the kind of person who is too lazy to use wiki or just really wants a guide.



GESTURES

Preface - any time I discuss hands, I am talking only about the right hand.  The left hand is not used for anything other than wiping your ass and maybe carrying packages.  That's about it.

A very common gesture people often make when greeting/leaving someone is placing your hand on your heart.  Loosely translated, 'from the heart'.

Sometimes, people will move as if to kiss the hand when it is shaken and the other person usually pulls it away before it can be kissed.  As near as I can tell, the potential kisser is showing extreme affection, the other person is doing the equivalent of 'oh please'...



CRAP FOR SALE

One size fits nobody.  They mass produce the same crap and it's all the same size.  To me this is baffling.  Why are all hats the same size?



BUSINESS CARDS OR BUST

It is amazing how many hotels and hostels either have never thought of business cards or make lame excuses ('we just ran out' is popular) for not having any.  In many countries like Morocco, tourists 'do' the country by traveling to the same half dozen spots.  Clever places have plenty of business cards for tourists to exchange.  Others wonder why they don't have enough business.  Strange.



VIDEOS

Some friends of mine have a daughter named Jaylea.  She just turned twelve years old.  As a small present, I made some lovely videos suitable for children.  1, 2, 3, 4, 5...   (Note, for the slow of thinking those are links to five separate videos...)  While it is true they may be considered somewhat 'Loganesque', they contain no profanity.  Weird, I know.

A special thanks to Conner for help with filming and acting.  No, I don't think this is enough to get your own IMDB page.  Sorry.



COSTS

Ride to the airport:  120 to 150 MAD

Coffee, 6 MAD.  Note, it is always served in very small portions and doesn't seem much stronger than typical American coffee.

Minor computer fix, 50 MAD

Excellent straight razor shave, 20 MAD (+5 MAD tip).  The barber was actually very surprised at how much younger I looked with a shave.  I imagine in the states I will look pretty ancient as I refuse to shave myself any more.