LAOS - LAND OF THE CAUTIOUS FART AND WATERFALL ASS

LAOS - LAND OF THE CAUTIOUS FART AND WATERFALL ASS

Lao does have a 'special' place in my memory of the worst food poisoning I'd ever received last time I was here.  Last night, second worst.

Because I'd eaten so little during the day, I know exactly which restaurant gave me the food poisoning.  It was a nice little Korean eatery with excellent food.  On the way in.  Whereas I've eaten street food and been fine.



MEDICAL REPORT

Another country, another hospital.

Fortunately, my foot pain seems to have dissipated.  This is odd as I thought I'd have to get a wooden peg and a crutch.

After the hammer and chisel Thai massage, my shins have also gone back to closer to normal size.  It still surprises me that seems to have worked.

Unfortunately, my conjunctivitis is still with me after about ten days and my explosive diarrhea from food poisoning after three long, long days.

So I went to the hospital.

It is suspiciously close to where I am staying which may lead some to assume that I had chosen this place which was a close walk to the hospital.  They would be wrong.  I am just lucky.

They gave me some new medicine to try out and I am back to drinking salt flavored salt (yes, really) in my water to try to regain stuff lost in the toilet.

There was only one other foreigner who showed up as I was leaving and she looked miserable.  I'm guessing either food poisoning, heat stroke or both.

Foreigner price to see doctor, 70,000 kip.  Less than I am paying per night for my room.  Good value.



HOW TO SELECT A PLACE TO STAY

Let's think about it for a minute - what is your most important sense when choosing a place to stay?

Many people would say sight - if the place looks clean and well kept...

But I say it is hearing.

Get it?

After I've established a 'base camp', I will often wander around the town with headphones on, listening to books.  Not so when I am looking for a place to stay.

Hearing is vital.

That may not sink in, so I will state it again:  Hearing is vital.

If you are wandering around, concentrating on something else - like your cell phone clutched in your hand like a new appendage, you lose.

You have to go around and listen.

Why is this?

Assuming you are not some sort of religious nut who isn't allowed to drink any alcohol - or a past alcoholic who is trying to kick the habit, chances are you will want to sleep in.  Perhaps you are not going to get blasted but you want to have a very active day then sleep in.

That crazy Garfield.

If you forego listening to the surroundings you will be rudely awoken early and not well pleased by the experience.

Here are some of the things to keep an ear out for:

Construction (they start early in the morning)
Chickens (they like to crow often and at all hours)
Children (their voices cut through my soul like broken shards of glass)
Churches, mosques and other god-botherers (they tend to call him loudly)

Seriously - all of these are horrible things to be woken up early by.  If the hostel/hotel/guesthouse is within a couple blocks of them, chances are good you will wake up yelling "What the fuck?!"

You won't be yelling "What the fuck?" as well as he, but that's why he gets paid the big bucks.

Avoid them as you would earthquakes or rattlesnakes.

Note that in some towns, it is simply not possible.  In the town I currently am, many locals seem to make their living through banging pieces of metal together, operating band saws and just hammering on various things.  But do your best.



COSTS

Room, somewhere between 50,000 kip and 100,000 kip.  The lower end gives fan, upper end gives AC.  For luxury rooms the the two finer resorts in the area, about $50 USD per night.

Food, 20,000 to 50,000 kip.  Lower end gives you street food, upper end for foreigner run businesses.

Water, about 5000 kip for the small (half liter) one at a restaurant.  Water is cheap.  Might be 5000 for a liter at a grocery store.

Pringles, 20,000 kip.

Emergency room doctor visit, doctor speaks OK English, 70,000 kip.

Mosquito killer, room spray (seriously the stuff you put on yourself is just not enough), 20,000 kip.

Medicine, various - it's cheap here folks.  Under 50,000 kip for eye drops, salt packets and pills for the butt.

LOGAN IS A BIG PUSSY

KHON KAEN TO VANG VIENG

The problem with being off of the beaten tourist trail is convenience.  The oh so annoying tuk tuk drivers are sorely missed when you want cheap transport.  Nobody speaks English.  They don't seem to read Thai well either.

It's a little harder and you need a lot more patience.

Through a combination of Google translate, sign language and interpretive dance, I was able to convince them there is indeed a Laos consulate and I wanted to go there.  After getting them to agree it might indeed be possible to get there by taxi, I had them call a taxi.

Showed the printed version "Laos consulate" to the taxi driver who said "OK".  After all the crap I went through with the people at the hotel desk this makes me believe they should be told as little as possible.  Just "I want a taxi" and when they keep asking "Where go?" just respond "Yes, taxi!"

The Lao consulate was a treat.  You walk in, give them your passport, one of the dozen small photos you keep of yourself (if you've been reading the blog any length of time and don't, that's on you - see 'traveler's tips' sections) and the money.  Presto.  About ten minutes later you get a visa.  Another nice thing is that the visa itself is good for two months.  You have that long to get into the country and then that starts your total of one month of time within the country.  In other words, you can get the visa - stay in Thailand for say six weeks then go to Lao and you get one month in Lao.  Handy.

Normally, you are able to get bus tickets a few days in advance.

Not so for the 'international bus'.  You have to buy the ticket about an hour before the bus leaves.   Not earlier - the office isn't open.

Note this is a lot handier than getting transport to 'friendship bridge', getting rolled by unscrupulous taxi, tuk tuk and bus drivers and eventually finding other transport into Laos.  Believe me, those assholes are waiting for you at the border.  To use the international bus, you just need your Lao visa ahead of time.  No visa, no ticket.

Before catching the international bus, I'd read a lot about it on the internet - AC bus, non- AC bus, they are luxurious, etc.

What a load of shit.

There is one bus.  It leaves sometime between eight and nine.  Buy your tickets around seven AM.  There is another later in the afternoon if you screw that up.

There is only one bus.  The only time it may have been grand is in the seventies.  Maybe.

Considering it is a relatively short (under five or six hours) trip, it is bearable but not really comfortable.  I turned off and went into my usual 'traveler's funk' where you are either asleep, dozing, meditating or just switched off.

Sometimes, I am difficult to rouse.

The strange thing is that they made a half hour meal stop on what is actually a fairly short bus trip.  I think it was 'fuck it, the bus driver needs to eat and can't be bothered to do it before his shift'.

The strangest and most annoying thing is at the Lao border you need to purchase a fifty baht 'over time pass card'.  Essentially, it is bribery with gates that only open when you put this card in.  If you get there before four PM, Monday through Friday supposedly you don't have to pay this bribe but other people have reported they had to pay a slightly reduced amount.  Shouldn't the government be paying it's employees?   Ah, corruption.

It's annoying but under two dollars.  Be sure to look for the small kiosk that sells this so you can just pick it up once you first get to the Lao side of the border and don't have to go back for it and try to understand people who should be able to express the need for this in English and can't.

We eventually arrived in Vientiene where the tuk tuk drivers were pushing in so close to the door I had to yell at them to move so I could get out of the bus.  Oh, the smell of money.  I ended up just falling on them because I'm clumsy.  My only worry was getting pick pocketed.

After getting a little hosed by a tuk tuk driver, I got taken to a money changer then the mini bus which goes from Vientiene to Vang Vieng.

I'd read a lot about how you have to be at the northern bus station, and how there were various types of buses and all of that.  Sure, that shit may exist, but you end up 'on the tourist trail' and when the tuk tuk driver hears you want a bus to Vang Vieng, they just take you to where the buses regularly leave.

When I say bus I mean 'uncomfortable small assed seats minivan crammed with other tourists'.  The other tourists are great to talk to.  Especially since when they say the ride is three hours, know that they are completely full of shit.  You're looking at nearly double that.

A little like this but much older and shittier.

After nightfall I arrived in Vang Vieng.  It's what I expected after reading it's entry on Wikitravel.  It's a small party town full of kids drunk on being so far from their parents and six dollar beers.   The beer here is freakishly expensive.  I look forward to getting back to Cambodia.

Getting shots is about half the price of beers.  Weird.

RETRACTION:  I don't know if it was the fatigue, lack of food, noise of the music or the thick Irish accent but I misheard 'fifteen' as 'fifty'.  The actual price is still about forty percent (roughly) more than Cambodia but definitely doable.

They have plenty of stores selling various bottles of alcohol.  I know I'll end up drinking room temperature booze in my room later.

After crawling out of the minivan, I got a couple fliers for food, a free drink at the only Irish bar in town and spent the night at an over priced hotel.

After eating a little bit of meat on a stick - my first food in twenty hours - I immediately had ten shots of various things at the Irish pub.  It helped being a bit buzzed but mainly I was punch drunk from lack of proper sleep, food and water.  Slept fine though.

While at the bar, I did meet a guy who had a 'backpackers hotel'.  Tried it the next day but without AC, I just sat there with sweat running down my body.  Said 'fuck this, I am going to be a big pussy' and went to a place I'd found after checking in to the backpacker place and just checked in there.  Surprisingly, I was given most of my money back at the backpacker place.  I'd not really expected to get anything back.

So now I'm hanging out in an AC place, fighting with their inconsistent internet and writing this blog.



CUSTOMS IN SE ASIA

There are no 'public displays of affection' at all.  Even if the people are married, you will never see them kiss, holding hands or violently mount each other dressed only in warpaint.

Be sure to yell "Surprise, mutherfucker!"

So does that mean you can't?  It's up to you.  I like to annoy the locals less.  You might not.  Who am I to tell you not to work them up into some sort of disgusted rage?

And now, for a picture that is easy on the eyes.

Because bewbs...

PRICES  (Thailand)

Laos visa, with small 'rush' bribe, 1600 baht.
The taxi to get there and back to your hotel including wait time and small bribe, 300 baht.
There and back again - a journey to the very inconveniently located 7 KM out of town because corruption wins bus station, 200 baht.


PRICES (Laos)

Large beer, 50,000 kip.  Yes, this is six dollars.  No, I have no idea why people are drinking beer here.  RETRACTION:  15,000 not 50,000.  See above.
Really cheap place, 50,000 kip.
Nice place with AC, 100,000 kip.
Best places I've found here, around $50 USD.  I've not looked at the rooms but for two people (who are not poor backpackers) this seems a pretty reasonable price for the best in the area.

LAOS, INITIAL IMPRESSIONS

NARRATIVE

My initial impressions of Luang Prabang (Lao): It's a fairly quiet town. By that, I mean that there are no bars, night life or any of that sort of thing in evidence. The big game that people seem to play among themselves in side alleys and such - bingo. I am not joking. They play it with the concentration normally reserved to retirees in America who have nothing better going on in their lives.

I don't really mind a quiet town, however. It gives me more time to plot and scheme.

The French influence is very apparent in the architecture as well as restaurants which offer an assortment of crapes, baguettes and sandwiches - none of which I want. Fortunately, there is enough Lao food (as well as American or generalized Western European) to keep me fed.

When I initially got here, I followed a girl off of the boat who looked like she knew where she was going. She was a bit concerned but I explained about my navigating by zen. Her concern moved from 'possible stalker' to 'weirdo'. I haven't seen her since. The place she inadvertently led me to was OK. The price was only 50,000 KIP. It did have internet but despite their claims to the contrary, it didn't quite reach into the room. Because I like downloading more shit to keep me busy, I decided the next day to look for a better place.

Neither the initial place I stayed nor the place after that bothered to look at my passport nor even get my passport number. It is tempting to begin living under an assumed name but I know that is the kind of thing to bite me in the ass later.

The second place I sought out the morning after was nearly double the first place at 80,000 KIP but that is still only $10 per night. With my own room, own bathroom, a balcony, table, a hard backed wooden chair and internet that actually reaches into the room I am happy with it.

After spending a successful night I was able to negotiate the manager down to 70,000 KIP if I paid three nights all at once. It is not a great discount but that is the problem of not being able to deal with the boss directly.

So far the Lao folk (I don't know the plural) seem OK. I am rather neutral toward them. Some seem cheerful and nice, others like that until you do something they don't like then it jumps to bitchy with no give, others seem aloof. I am pretty neutral on them overall neither harboring good nor bad feelings toward them as a whole. Actually, I can't think of a country that I am overall positively or negatively disposed toward the people as a group. Interesting. This is up from my past where I 'hated everyone equally'. I must be mellowing with age.

The level of English spoken is slightly up from what I encountered in Thailand though there are still plenty of folks who will just throw up their hands and not want to even try to understand what you are saying.

By contrast, the driving safety is well elevated from Thailand. Here, they drive American style (as opposed to British) but they seem to que instead of the 'whatever you can get away with' strategy. There are still more than enough people who are more focused on hauling packages, holding up umbrellas and talking on the cell phone (sometimes all at once) while driving a scooter to keep the population from getting out of hand.

Like Thailand, the stores in Lao confuse me. It is like someone badly printed a book on capitalism and someone else ripped out some vital pages of it. People who decided to open stores were forced to read this book and believed it. Like in Thailand, the secret to success in business is to find a successful business then open up the exact same business next door to it. You sell the same shit at the same prices. The thinking seems to be that you will then be just as successful. I don't claim to be an expert in business but even to me, this is baffling and bazaar behavior. The stores are all the same and sell approximately the same things. They have less personality and individual feel than a row of Twinkies. You won't encounter a stationary store that also sells cold drinks, as an example. Sadly, even in American business you can still find many examples of the 'do what worked for someone else' strategy. Mainly in Hollywood. And MMO's.



LOGAN THE WHAT?

I decided to give teaching English a try. I went to two different places and got results with one of them. The first place I went to was an 'English university'. It really wasn't - it was a building looking like every other that was labeled as such. I missed it the first couple times I went by. I even bought a pen (that didn't work) from the business next door. When I finally discovered it, I heard Pete H's voice in my head chuckling dryly and saying "You're just not paying attention, Logan!" I have no idea how Pete AKA Sherlock Holmes wormed his way into my subconscious but I suspect he is monitoring me from afar with some sort of strange, eldritch device. However he is doing it, I find it odd that my subconscious has an Australian accent. They have no native English teachers at the school and the teachers they do have were astonishing only in that they are allowed to teach English. The first time I made an appointment the 'big boss' blew it off as something else came up. I went by later without an appointment but was told that they didn't have any use for someone to come by for a few days or a week to help out on a volunteer basis. What they really needed was someone who already had a work permit to come by and teach. This tells me that either it is like Thailand where you need a work permit to volunteer, or that the 'big boss' is pretty brainless.

The other place I had gone to, on an impulse, was a Buddhist temple (called a Wat). I am now teaching some of the monks English for an hour a day. I don't really have a curriculum or anything - we're just jumping into it. The first thing I learned is why teachers have a curriculum. I suspect that I'll be needing to learn a lot from this.

I thought at first I would just be teaching one monk (named Phon) but other monks seem to drift in and out to see if they can pick up bits. I think I've learned more about the monks than they have learned about English from me.

Thus far, I've learned that the monks pray, build buildings, study (I'm guessing religious and schooling), and live a far more worldly life than I thought monks would live. Until the age of twenty you are a novice. As soon as you hit twenty, presto, you are a monk. I don't know if they have further ranks up the ladder or not. You are also able to give up being a monk whenever you want. The monk Phon (yes, he is over twenty) joined the priesthood because his school was too far away. Being poor farmers, his parents couldn't afford to purchase him a bike to get there. He needed to join in order to get an education. His goal is to open a restaurant some day. He seems pretty bright - though very reserved. When I first talked to him about teaching him and anyone else who wanted to learn English, he asked why I would waste my time doing that. Yes, those were his words. I was surprised at his directness. I decided to give a direct answer back and tell him it was so that I could find out if I enjoyed teaching. If I do, then I could perhaps get a TEFL certificate and do it elsewhere for money. I've only worked with him for one day as of the writing of this and so far I really don't have an opinion. I also don't think what I'm doing is teaching so much as it would be construed as 'tutoring'. I also think that any actual English teacher would shit a football at what I am teaching them. Well, at least the English teachers I had in my youth. I've met a lot of English teachers that consider themselves to be more 'hip' than that. To wit, I point out "Hey, you're a fucking English teacher. Sorry, it is not 'hip'." But what else would you do with a degree in English other than Starbucks? [Yes, I'd take even a fake degree in English right now as it would make me money but I know better than to try teaching English in the states thank you very much.] It is real English but not proper/book English. I am working on more of the 'common usage' English.



THE ANGRY FRENCHMAN

I was sitting around watching a French couple who were stupid enough to order without looking at the menu. They were an older couple - fifties or sixties. The man was absolutely outraged at being charged 5000 KIP for a small bucket of ice. He was upset at the principle of the thing. He even made a threat to close the restaurant. I'm not sure if he knew how full of shit he sounded. I don't think they have 'tourist police' here but even had this happened in Thailand, you'd just end up paying it after they arrived. Eventually they stormed off. I don't think they had to pay for the ice. In the past, I would have been irritated at such a big scene and tantrum. Now, I just pull out my notebook and think "You go in blog now."



THE SHITTY BAG

So, I decided to go try out Lao whiskey. It costs about five dollars a bottle so I figured 'why not'. I bought a bottle and had made it literally five meters away from the shop before the bottom ripped out of the plastic bag and the whiskey within its box plummeted to the ground. Naturally, the bottle immediately broke. Just before it ripped, I had an odd premonition that it would. I decided to see how it would play out. I looked back at the guy who was observing this and spread out my arms in the universal 'would you look at this fucking shit' gesture. I brought him back the bag and box of broken glass. I was more curious to see what he would do than anything. He ended up replacing it for free as well as giving me a double bag. This gave me a warm fuzzy feeling about the people of Lao. It lasted until I tasted the whiskey.



TRAVELER'S TIPS

If a place doesn't scrutinize your passport, assume the security is shit and act accordingly. Not only can your stuff be stolen but it can be stolen completely anonymously.

Never order without seeing the menu unless you have extra money to burn. Personally, I like to demand my check with the food. If something is brought to the table, ask how much it costs and send it back if you didn't order it. Otherwise, you will get stuck will bills for rice, extra sauce, ice, etc.



KEEPING TO YOURSELF

I am still struggling to follow the wise words of Adam who told me to keep my cards closer to my chest. I'm still having problems with that but every day is a new learning adventure.

If, for example, you use a towel outside of it's intended use then ask for a new towel and present the old, you must be prepared to pay for the new towel. Better just to discretely steal a towel on the drying line at some point than pay an amazing 50,000 KIP for a new one and be threatened with the police if you do not.

Also, at this hotel I am politely fending off various 'when are you going to go do tourist shit that gives this hotel more money' offers from the proprietor. I have a built in excuse for the next couple days with my quirky stomach. I don't know what I ate but oh my god - and yes, sadly it is related to what I think of as the 'towel incident'. Whenever he asks about me wanting to do any of their over priced packaged tours, I always politely tell him I will consider it. Next I will move into looking at literature and such. Eventually, I will run out of time and be forced to move on without (so sad!) being able to indulge in this shit.

Yes, Adam, I can hear you shaking your head at me...



EXPAT COMMUNITY

I have been unable to locate the expat community here, other than some stuff on the internet. Sadly, the stuff on the internet I've found really sucks ass. I need to find a bunch of old gents sitting around and drinking beer to get the inside scoop. Unfortunately, this place doesn't seem to attract them. It could be something to do with the laws stating if you have sex with a Lao girl and are not her husband you go to jail you dirty foreign devil you. Not sure. Given the short duration of the visas and things I've heard, China or Vietnam may be a better bet. I'm planning on looking up more information but honestly, I'm not in a huge hurry to do so. I am still conducting my 'teaching experiment'. Note, I won't be able to get a Vietnam visa at the border. I've looked up the consulate for Vietnam in Luang Prabang. I've got to see if I can get a visa from them so I will be paying them a visit. If I can't, then I suspect (unless Julie's contact in China suddenly gets me a contact who will get me a visa and a job) it will be off to Cambodia when I am ready to leave.

Honestly, I'm beginning to think I made a big mistake in working my way through the north of Thailand and into Lao. I should have pushed east instead toward Cambodia. Well, I guess it's another country I've visited...



PRICES

Dark beer (not bad), 10,000 KIP.

Non functional ballpoint pen, 5000 KIP.

Vegetables with fried rice, not very good, 10,000 KIP.

1.5 liter bottle of water, 6000 KIP.

Trip from where I am (front door service) on an overnight sleeper bus to Vietnam. This bus supposedly has beds but I'm not sure if that is really true. 350,000 KIP (about $43). [Hell, yeah I am going to the bus station first to see if I can find it cheaper.] This bus supposedly goes all the way to Ha Noi.

Meals - generally 10,000 KIP (cold food in the night market, no meat, not very good) to 40,000 KIP + for restaurant dishes. Pretty much everything seems to be 10,000 KIP or 20,000 KIP.

OFF TO LAO

FORBIDDEN THAILAND LORE

OK - there were some things I found out which seem fairly mello to me, but had I published them while I was still in Thailand, it is possible that I could be a 'guest of the Thai government' indefinitely. Hence, I decided to wait until I got to Lao to pop these up. To me they seem fairly innocuous but to Thais, they are little landmines of unhappiness. So now you get to seem them. Without further delay we give you 'Forbidden Thailand Lore'!

When I was on the bus ride from Chaing Mei to Chaing Rei, I was fortunate enough to sit next to an old (80) man who could speak English. We talked over many things but something of interest went like this:

Logan: "I heard that the king (pause) is in the hospital? Is that true?"

During the pause, the old guy had the same expression as if you had said to someone from the Republic of Georgia,

"I heard your mother (pause) is a good cook?"

During the pause, they get the look in their eyes like "If the next thing out your gab isn't positive, we're throwing down right here and now."

This is an example of the type of nationalism in Thailand.

I was curious as to why the Thais LOVE their king so I decided to question one about it...very diplomatically.


I found a Thai who had lived in the states for many years and carefully questioned him about why the Thai people love their king so much.

All of this information is from my source who asked not to be identified. Logan's thoughts are in []'s. I have withheld publishing this information until I was out of Thailand because - despite my not being critical of the Thai government - talking about this stuff (just talking about it!) can get you landed in jail. While a year of free food and lodging is in some ways appealing, I am sure I can get better accommodations in some other way.

The current king of Thailand is beloved by his people due to his hard work for the Thai people.

The king is currently 84 years old and stuck in a hospital.

The king's son and heir to the throne is not respected due to his philandering. [Yes, that does strike me as odd in Thailand but like the Netherlands, Thailand is actually quite conservative despite it's huge number of hookers.]

The king also has a daughter but she has publicly said in the past that she has no interest in ruling.

Between Thais not liking the son and the daughter not wishing to rule, should the king die, calamity will follow.

In Thailand, like in England, the king is more of a figurehead than a day to day ruler.

The head of the kings council was accused of trying to have a Coup d'état a couple years ago. Either before this existed - or following this became in existence two 'power groups' - 'red shirt group' and 'yellow shirt group'. The reds apparently want 'pure democracy' whereas the yellow is the military.

Last year (2010) 91 people were gunned down in red vs yellow. [Not red vs blue - that is a whole different battle.] During this, a thousand red shirts were tossed in jail. They are still there despite a red shirt being the current prime minister. This is due to the huge amount of separation of power - the PM can't pardon the people. That is a whole different part of the government.

All of this (red vs yellow and the continuation of the monarchy) continues to cause a lot of tension in Thais, but the effects are not generally felt in their daily lives.

Discussion of the king (at all, including questions like 'how much money does he have') were - and apparently continue to be a jail-able offense. [I had asked why discussing the monarch's finances was 'verbotten' (forbidden) and was told that if he had X amount of money then people would ask questions like 'why is he so rich and the country so poor'. I myself don't care how much money he has because I know he's not planning on mailing me any. Plus, I guarantee that if I were king, I'd have a nice nest egg.]

If you say anything negative about the king, you can get landed in jail for eight years.



OFF TO LAO

Please forgive the rambling nature of this narrative. I blame my editor who has not yet stepped forward to bear their heavy, heavy cross.

I was toying with the idea of winding out some of my time left on my visa in Thailand at the border but I decided there was nothing which interested me in the one street town. I said 'fuck it' and decided o push on.

After reading the horror stories on the internet, I bought a pillow. I briefly toyed with the idea of earplugs as it was suggested. Now, after being on the boat for a time, I have to wonder what kind of pussy would suggest ear plugs. It's bad near the engine but not really worse than nightclubs people subject themselves to for as long as the boat ride. As to pillows and their reports of hard wooden benches, those seem sadly out of date. It seems that seats ripped from god knows where are on all of the boats I've seen. They are as comfortable as bus seats you are stuck on for eight hours at a shot. I ended up ditching my pillow when I got to Luang Prabang.

I had some munchies for the trip via the 'long tailed boat'. I tried to find dried fruits but unless you want 'dried, disgusting sea monster' you are pretty much out of fucking luck in that area. Things like boxes of rasins and such are totally unavailable in both Thailand and Lao at the shops I've been to. Unless they were sea monster shaped and I just missed them.

There were stores open to buy munchies and such at but I recommend getting your currency exchanged the day before you leave. The currency exchange places don't open early and you want to be at the border crossing at eight AM.

It may be because their own money is so horribly inflated you could knock three zeros off of it and have it still work but the Thai Baht seems to be pretty widely accepted in Lao.

We were told that the boat leaves prompty at nine AM but the truth is that they will delay the departure as long as possible in order to fill the boat. They want all one hundred plus people on there. We ended up leaving closer to 11:30AM.

While we were still docked, I went exploring the boat and failed to follow one of my own rules of 'look at your feet'. It may have been partially because I was worried about the ceiling having repeatedly bashed my head against it and it's 'unusual' construction. I fell into the bildge and scraped up my leg pretty well. By a sad coincidence, it turned out to be the same leg as I'd gotten the burn from the muffler of the scooter on. I'm not sure why so much abuse gets heaped on that particular leg.

The boat was as packed with tourists as Snickers are suppose to be packed with peanuts - though I've found an actual pack of peanuts seems to have more in it. The tourists seemed absolutely horrified at the way the Lao boat crew not only stood on their luggage but would occasionally jump up and down on it in order to get it to fit within the bilge. I tried to tell the other tourists that the crew was just experiencing 'high spirits' and not attempting to destroy their luggage but they did not believe me.

There were a handfull of Lao folks on the boat but over one hundred tourists. That does bring up an interesting thing. One of the things constantly said about Lao is that it is 'forgotten'. It even says it on Wikitravel. This is utter bullshit. The places I've been are crawling with tourists. It's a marketing ploy to make you think 'oh, no tourists are here - it's virgin. Somehow, I will see something interesting that few others get to see'. Wrong. If you want to go to some place few others get to see you can do that in almost any country - but it won't be 'interesting'. People might say "Well, Logan, you are in the tourist areas." No shit. So are all of the tourists. I could go out to some remote uninteresting village here, Ukraine, Canada - where ever and not see any other tourists. But they go to where the interesting stuff is. Assuming these boats pump in say half (split the rest up between the buses and speed boats) of all of the tourists, this part of the country alone gets a hundred a day. Simple math says that's...uh...many. Every year. So, be advised that tourists seem very common. There are the couples of all ages, out to see the world with their spouse. There are the college age people. I've run into several that are 'adventurous' as well as several who believe they are or will form the next 'upper crust' in the 'new world order' (read as arrogant little pricks who have rich parents, go to the right schools and will be on the 'fast track' to career success. My only consolation is they will probably have a mid life crisis.) There are also the forty something men who have just begun to realize that after half a life or more of hard work they really have nothing of value. They've spent their life going for the school/career/family/stuff route. They hate their jobs, their family has left them - usually in a divorce - and they found they no longer care about material goods. They have just started to take their first steps into a new, bigger world. I had a long conversation with one such guy from Quebec. Well, to be fair, he talked, I listened. But I thought it was worth hearing. There were plenty of friendly college age people as well and some travelers that I considered extremely seasoned. All sorts in the boat. People seem to bring their women to Lao. They don't to Thailand - usually they seem to be there looking for a woman. Or they read 'exciting night life' for Pattaya and didn't realize what it meant and mistakenly brought their spouse or girlfriend. Or maybe they are there for more creative sinning with them.

Their infrastructure for the tourists is still building though. While there are plenty of grocery stores and pharmacies (ill stocked, glad I grabbed medicine in Thailand) there aren't any 7-11's yet. Yet. I'm sure those will spread like a rash as soon as the government permits it. No real night life I've seen either. If you are wanting loud discos and dancing, this isn't the place. I'm happy for that myself. This is more of a 'go drink beer and stare at the Mekong' type of place. Beer is cheaper than Thailand by about half. (7000 KIP to 10,000 KIP which is at the high end about $1.25. In Thailand, the average beer was like 70-80 BHT which is $2.61 on the high end. Better in Lao. Plus, the Lao beer tastes about the same (mediocre) though I don't mind their dark beer.

Back to the slow boat. I'm not sure how fast it moves in knots (I feel so nautical) but in KPH, I'm guessing 40-60. Not a bad clip. From all accounts I've read indicating that if they don't offer life vests and crash helmets for the speed boat, I'm thinking the words 'death trap' apply. Additionally, they cost more. Let's face it - I have the time. The slow boat makes you happiest when you get off it. As I suspected, at first it is fine but eventually being packed in there wears you down. I've heard the roads are worse. So, infrastructure-wise, no - Lao isn't there yet. But I think it's working on it.

After an hour of traveling in the severely crowded boat we stopped to take on a load of leaky propane tanks. No matter how bad you think things are they can always get more interesting. I could clearly smell the gas escaping.

Eventually, we unloaded the propane tanks at the town we were suppose to stay in during the first night. I forgot the name of it but it was a very forgettable town. Later notes showed it is Prabang - but it is still forgettable. It is also not as advertised on the internet. I've read it is a 'shithole'. I'm not sure how old those articles are but I absolutely failed to discover anything bad or horrible there. It was just not very interesting.

I ignored the twenty or so touts who showed up at the docks to show faded pictures of what the rooms may have looked like twenty years ago and clean and just hiked onto the dock and passed them to go into the town itself. There were a lot of them offering free transport to an out of the way place you could be stranded at if you announced the rat infested accommodations weren't what you had in mind. I am really not sure why people talk to the touts at all. Accommodations are also more expensive when they bring you as you are paying their cut. I don't get it. I probably walked for about one hundred meters until I got to the first place and checked on the room there. It was run by a harried girl who spoke less English than I do Arabic. They had no touts I knew of. I got the room for 50,000 KIP (about $6.25). It wasn't the kind of place I'd want to live but for one night it was no problem. Getting a receipt was like pulling teeth. I didn't want them to think 'oh, fat boy no pay'. She was unwilling to understand the concept so I bullied her into it. Nicely. If you give someone money, get a fucking receipt! The room was clean. The plugs did spark a bit when I stuck something in them but after the initial bit of grumbling they seemed to calm down and work fine. I'm guessing if a professional electrician from the states got a look at the wiring he'd burn the building down and start over.

There were not even any wifi connections showing up on my computer to taunt me with their lack of availability.

It was interesting to sleep that night as I could still feel the rocking of the boat. It seemed to gently rock me to sleep. Others didn't report that and looked at me strangely when I mentioned it. Yeah, I get looked at like that a lot.

When I went out on the town, I found an unusual thing here. Getting 50,000 KIP bills (horribly inflated money) is pretty bloody easy. Beer costs 10,000 KIP. OK. So a 50,000 KIP bill is $6.25. A 10,000 KIP beer is $1.25. Fine. But the people look absolutely stricken when you offer them a 50,000 KIP bill and ask if you have anything smaller. That's like going to dollar beer night and trying to pay with a five dollar bill and the bar tender demanding smaller change. What the fuck? Also, this currency is suffering from even more inflation than the Russian ruble. Time to knock some zeros off the end if you ask me but whatever. I'm not sure about the rest of the country but they do accept Thai Baht in places near the border.

I didn't wander too far around town. My leg was hurting from my most recent self inflicted injury. Also, I dislike going around a new place at night. Night is when worse things happen. That's why terms like 'broad daylight robbery' still seep into the headlines. It's unusual.

So I kept within about two blocks of the hotel and ignored my ever incessant need to wander about. While I was sitting eating some rather bland food and drinking a beer, an undercover policeman (?) wandered by and asked me if I'd like to buy some marijuana. Although I am sure that there are no end of tourists who enjoy being in a strange, communist foreign country stoned out of their mind on their first night there on what could be oregano, I do not want that. Nor, do I wish to be a long term 'guest of the Lao government' by force. I politely declined and he went on. I thought that would be the end of it but later at a restaurant I was offered both pot and opium. Mixed, if I wanted it. By the owner of a restaurant no less. I declined that as well. Sorry I'm not more insanely adventurous for the sake of a wild story in the blog but typing with handcuffs on does not make Logan happy.

After the initial frantic check in the hotel I stayed at seemed to be deserted of any staff. I presume they fled.

The town pretty much closes everything about 10 PM.

The way on and off the docks was a pretty rough climb for the people who brought the roller bags or packed way too much shit. I was very curious to see if one would scream and fall into the river but sadly, none did. It was tempting to film the people getting into the boat but by then I was in the 'traveler's funk' and couldn't be bothered.

We had been told that the boat would leave at 9 AM. I'm not sure if the people believed that when they said it. We waited till the slowest, stupidest, most oversleeping person had finally managed to board the boat before leaving closer to 10:30 AM. There is a reason that countries in South East Asia are not held up before the world as models of 'leaving on time'. Had this trip been run by Germans and a German company, late folks would have been presented with the sight of the boat leaving and an offer to sell them new tickets for the next boat. That would have made me happy.

That being said, it is worth it to get there early. Unlike the first day, there are no assigned seats on the second. Catch as catch can. Someone eventually did come by to collect our tickets. I wasn't sure if they ever would. If they didn't, it would be a good way to smuggle yourself through. You really don't need a ticket if you have the cash, however. Despite how packed it was, they are always willing to accept more passengers.

I was sitting amidships that day. Although my bulk filled most of the seat, a thin girl drew the short straw and had to perch on the edge of it. Our seat turned out to be one of the better ones as water leaked through holes in the roof or just ran down at random onto others. Many people apparently didn't pack umbrella hats in preparation for the trip. The passengers attempted crude repairs with duct tape and plastic bags to stop an impromptu version of the Chinese water torture that was being done to them.

During day two of the journey it rained almost incessantly. At first, people raised the boat flaps because they wanted air and to see. People then got wet. The boat flaps were again lowered. People bitched. Eventually the rain decreased slightly and the boat flaps were again raised. There wasn't anything out there which required observation. It was more of the same stuff we had seen the previous day. Yea. Too much natural beauty all at once just tends to upset me anyhow.

The state of the bathrooms on board made me very happy I had eaten very little and was able to pee standing up.

Despite the boat being slightly smaller (or was that my imagination?), despite all of the people who were on before coming back as well as new people paying in cash we (you guessed it) stopped for yet more supplies en route.

There is always room for more shit.

I also discovered the boat acts as a taxi. If someone wants on, they simply flag down the boat from the shore and can get dropped off en route.

Occasionally, we were passed by boats headed back from whence we had come. Without exception they were empty.

The 'traveler's funk' I mentioned earlier is a state I (and possibly others - I don't know) tend to slip into when doing long range travel. You're sometimes lightly dozing, sometimes staring into the distance. You no longer really pay attention to things - you're just enduring and waiting for it to end. I listened to my audio book though I doubt I would pass a test on what it was about as I nodded off a couple of times. As our bags were simply stacked in the back room adjacent to the engine room, I was able to retrieve my sweater to combat the cold brought on by the rain and our speed.

We chugged down the Mekong, the mist laden jungled hills bounding the muddy waters. The mists crowning the hills lent the area a primeval look. Signs of extreme poverty - and habitation - dotted the river irregularly in the form of nets and poles.

Eventually, we reached Luang Prabang.



PRICES

Lao Visa $35 USD or 1500 BHT

Boat from border to Luang Prabang, $20

Thai pillow (extra hard) 100 BHT

Getting some yahoo to carry your bag for you (in Lao) 50 BHT (screw that).



MOVIE REVIEW

In Time. 3/10. Dull. What the fuck is that shit? Hell, I even went to the end and that looked dull. Bah.



VIDEOS

Bike Rickshaw

Chaing Khong

Leaving for Luang Prabang

Along the Mekong

Charley on the Mekong

Jaws Redoux

What is outside my mutherfucking balcony - YOU WIN TJ