INTRO TO PRAGUE

INTRO

Even though I (Logan) am writing this, I am wanting to torture Jana some more. If anyone from Czech Republic is reading this and says 'Hey - that is incorrect!', please blame Jana. In other news, sorry if the flow and style are a bit erratic - I still have no set patterns. If you can find me an editor that will work for free (or free and the occasional beating) let me know.


THE PAST

Going to see the stuff in places you've hung out in the past is always a huge pain in the ass. There is always some stupid, contrary, emotional part of you that wants to return to an area that had some sort of significance to you. I think that at some level, you are trying to reconnect with the past. Unless your fond memories are in some sort of historical building that existed long before you and will continue long after you're dead, you're fucked. things always change, often dramatically. This emphasizes the need for more R&D on time machines. That way, you can guarantee the past is portrayed accurately though not necessarily as you remember it. For that, we will need better brain surgery.



GOING TO PRAGUE

"I was going to the worst place in the world, and I didn't even know it yet. Weeks away and hundreds of miles up a river that snaked through the war like a main circuit cable – plugged straight into Kurtz. It was no accident that I got to be the caretaker of Colonel Walter E. Kurtz's memory – any more than being back in Saigon was an accident. There is no way to tell his story without telling my own. And if his story really is a confession, then so is mine." - Apocalypse Now.

"I was heading on a train to Prague. Hours away and hundreds of kilometers on a train track that snaked through the fields plugged straight into Jana and KFC." I am not sure how to continue trying to change an Apocalypse Now quote into something to do with Jana. Jana - this would make a lot more sense if you actually had watched that movie. But you didn't. You haven't even seen Eurotrip all of the way through for Atheists sake! If you didn't spend all of your time hiding outside of KFC's and trying to mug people coming out for their KFC, you'd have more time to watch American movies.

While we were on the train from Munich to Prague, I was all spread out with one leg up on the top of the seats, trying to lay down. While Pete was in the middle of taking a drink, I confessed that I had a fear of a midget coming in and punching me hard in the crotch. Pete nearly spit up his drink. There was a lot of coughing and such. Later, when we were wandering around Prague, I saw an Asian lady 'little person' (read as midget). Pete surreptitiously made the punching motion and I tried to protect my crotch. I will have nightmares about little people tonight.

For those that miss talking to me (or Lumsie) in person, here is a random thought stream conversation I was having with Pete on the train:

The food seller pushed a trolley of food by. I said the one out of the Harry Potter movie was better.

We then discussed the Harry Potter movies and how the actors had aged. This brought up Emma Watson and how she had cut her hair into a pixie cut.

I was mentioning how she could have sold her hair though evil perverts would probably be having sex with it. And 'is that OK if she gives the money to charity'?

I then speculated that if I become famous, I could get a film of me eating a sandwich on youtube but evil perverts may jack off to that as well. Pete said 'little people' might. And is that OK if I keep the money instead of giving it to charity?

People who were thinking about coming into our carriage on the train were put off by the facts of me pretending to be asleep across four seats as well as appearing to be homeless.

Pete asked me what sort of reception I expected from Jana. I said she'd be surrounded by pinwheels, holding both Aussy and USA flags with a marching band playing in the background. And a giraffe. Anything less, I said, I'd be crushed. [We didn't get any of that. Not even the giraffe.] Pete said I should write all of this down. "Why?" I asked. "So people can see the state of your mind..." he replied.



TO DO LIST IN PRAGUE

This list is not chronological, nor in order of importance, nor rational. This is also just Logan's list. I wanted to say to protect the innocent... I wanted to put it in for two reasons - firstly for completeness and secondly, as Pete says, to show 'the state of my mind'. I think this blog is more than just a travellogue but a 'what's going on in Logan's mind and has he slipped screaming over the edge lets take a look now shall we' type of thing. The things in []'s are the results from having put this stuff on the list.

Buy smokes [See article on 'smoking'.]

Dentist [After going to an 'international doctor' (ie he speaks English) and being told a consultation is 1500 CZK, I said 'fuck that' - I'm going to go to Slovakia or something where things are cheaper.

Find room to stay

Give Jana shit for not finding a place for us to stay nor contacting a dentist

Laundry [Note that the second place we went to said for 100 CZK they'd have my plastic bag full of laundry done within four hours. I did a lot of evil laughter at this. Pete cautioned me to not get thrown out of the hostel on the first day.]

Look into new pants? Shoes? [No pants my size - anywhere. If you are above 42, you're fucked. Pair of sweatpants to replace the ones I had with the huge hole I'd worn in the crotch, 200 CZK. It baffles the mind to think about, eh? Shoes, 50 euros for what Pete said were 'good walking shoes'.]

Backpack with hip puffy bits (thank you Travis for the education!)

Give Jana's friends shit (note to Jana's friends, there is no reason for this other than I give everyone shit. You can read this as 'meet Jana's friends' more accurately. Or 'give Jana shit while meeting her friends'.)

Food, drink [See food article on]

Go to grocery store to see if we can find Chex cereal, get picture of Jana holding it.

Find Pop Tarts [Jana says they do not exist here but that doesn't mean we shouldn't look].

Get more business cards made [Note, I found more elsewhere in my pack.]

Deodorant [o I don't smell like a filthy hippy]

Get a picture of Jana with a bucket of KFC, possessively clinging to it (like 'keep the fuck away from my chicken!')

Foot massage, pedicure, manicure, etc. (Never had any of this kind of shit done before, it might be cheaper here, what the hell)

More massages (on my back, you fiends)

Have Jana read this list (did that)

Fix blister on my foot (I am totally surprised I walked enough to get a blister anywhere. Gods know I didn't want to walk but there we go!)
Chiropractor

Find out if they have an amusement park in Prague

Have Pete painted blue by someone else for my personal amusement. Refer to Pete as 'Poppa Smurf'.

Go to currency exchange, exchange money. [The exchage rate is 16 or 17 CZK to the dollar. For my calculations I'm using 17. Note to readers from the future, the current year is 2011. Be sure to send money back to the past to Logan! Put it at the time portal. Just to make sure that we don't alter the future by changing the past, I'll thank you now for the guy who came in carrying a bundle of money to the common room of the Old Prague Hotel at three minutes after nine am on April 12, 2011. Thank you very much for the money! PS: If you didn't send money from the future and you had a perfectly good time machine, you suck.]

Get a steak and eat it.

Get horseback riding lessons.

'Take the waters' at a mineral spa.

Do everything listed above today. [Through the magic of publishing a blog after a few days, we can indeed make that appear to have happened.]


Author's note: I was originally going to publish everything all at once but a) it is literally a huge wall of text b) I'm still working on it and have awhile to go yet c) it's been a bit since I've put something up. More is coming soon!!